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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I never do anything right and now I’ve really messed up

37 replies

lhare · 03/07/2024 16:48

How can I make things better?

im always being told by my DH that i dont do things right, I dont clean properly, i dont cook properly. I do it properly it’s just I cant seem to meet his standards, I didn’t chop an ingredient finely enough or I didn’t put something away how he likes it. It feels like double standards because it’s ok if he doesn’t clean, or whatever but not if I don’t.

In general I feel like I’m on eggshells round him a lot because there’s always something he’s annoyed at me about which is why I’m feeling really anxious in general.

he’s otherwise very good with our dc, a hard worker and we have a good relationship but there’s always something he’s irritated about by me. I try to talk to him and he said it’s because I do stupid things. I’m not a stupid person.

weve both had to compress hours due to not being able to afford to put our child in nursery more than three times a week, I asked nursery how much we would save once we get the 15 hours and I read the email wrong because I didn’t read it properly and told DH the wrong amount.

turns out we are saving more than we thought. Because he thought we weren’t saving much he told me an opportunity came up at work but he didn’t go for it because we can’t afford the extra day, but now with the hours turns out we could have done. And now he’s very upset with me that he cancelled his interview, I didn’t tell him to do that and said we could find a way. I said I’m sorry.
My job requires me to be so on it, and with our young DC I’m just so tired I didn’t read it properly. Now it’s another thing I’ve done wrong, how can I make this right? I feel terrible and stupid that I read it wrong and he missed a work opportunity. I’m also fed up of feeling like I’m always doing something wrong.

OP posts:
retinolalcohol · 03/07/2024 16:50

He sounds emotionally abusive tbh. It's not normal for your partner to be so critical of every single tiny thing you do, and that's the reason you feel you have to walk on eggshells.

I'd make plans to leave him. It won't get better.

leeverarch · 03/07/2024 16:51

You DO do things right, it's just that he seems to enjoy belittling you and picking holes in everything to make you feel bad.

GiggleMugsMandy · 03/07/2024 16:52

In general I feel like I’m on eggshells round him a lot because there’s always something he’s annoyed at me about which is why I’m feeling really anxious in general.

your anxiety would likely be massively reduced if you weren’t with ‘D’H telling you endlessly that you do things wrong.

If he really wants the job he can go back and ask again to be considered for an interview, better yet, he could have taken a little responsibility himself and read the info about the nursery hours.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 03/07/2024 17:00

He sounds like a nasty, picky bully.

SleepingMermaid · 03/07/2024 17:30

Your behaviour is completely normal, his is not. He sounds awful and like a bully, constantly criticising and holding you to a different standard.

You should reconsider your relationship, this is not a normal or healthy way yo treat your wife.

Catoo · 03/07/2024 17:42

Assuming he is not violent OP, what would he do if you said ‘This is the last time I will tolerate you telling me what to do/how to do it again’ or ‘nag nag naggety nag I really should let you do all the cleaning in future’ or ‘ooo who put 50p in you, again?’ And ‘here he comes, the chopping up onions expert. However did I manage without?’

Or if you kept a mental count out loud each time ‘that’s the fourth time this week you have told me how to do something. When it gets to 5 things in total this week, I will stop doing those things altogether. So if it’s cooking you criticise, that will be the last meal I cook for you’.

Sometimes when we mirror someone’s bad habits back to them they realise how bad they are. I find it more effective than trying to explain or getting upset.

Use your words back. But if he scares you, think about leaving safely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/07/2024 17:53

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. You, and in turn your kids, are being abused here. Do also consider contacting Women’s Aid here re leaving safely. This is no relationship model to be showing your children as they could go onto emulate this themselves. Walking on eggshells is to
my mind code for living in fear.

PurpleReindeer2 · 03/07/2024 18:13

OP he sounds very controlling and emotionally abusive. Maybe you could do the freedom programme and look at ways to separate and move on without him. You deserve so much more than to be treated like this. It's not acceptable and he doesn't respect you. I hope you get support and advice from womens aid and move on to a better life. Take care x

MistyFrequencies · 03/07/2024 18:15

Leave him. He is abusive.

Backtothedungeon · 03/07/2024 18:19

The problem here is not you, its him. You are allowed to be human, and make mistakes.

WeeOrcadian · 03/07/2024 18:21

Perhaps if you didn't carry the entire physical and mental load of your household, you'd be able to manage better

And that is NOT a dig at you OP

He sounds like he's happy to leave it all to you but then berate you when it isn't done 'properly'

Either way, he's abusing you and you deserve better

Dontliketheheat · 03/07/2024 18:21

What would happen if you stood up to him OP - if you told him you are living a life walking on egg shells what would he say or do ? are you scared of him ?

BMW6 · 03/07/2024 18:22

Tell him TO GET TO FUCK 😡

Wontletmeusemynormalname · 03/07/2024 18:26

Echoing all of the above, if you are that bad then stop doing things.

lhare · 03/07/2024 18:28

Dontliketheheat · 03/07/2024 18:21

What would happen if you stood up to him OP - if you told him you are living a life walking on egg shells what would he say or do ? are you scared of him ?

I’ve told him I feel like I’m on eggshells but he says that’s not true and just disregards what I say.

my self esteem is getting bad because I really genuinely feel like an idiot and I felt awful when I realised I didn’t read the info correctly and it impacted him because it gives another reason for him to think how stupid I am.

OP posts:
MassiveOvaryaction · 03/07/2024 18:47

I'm sorry to break it to you @lhare but it's not a good marriage if he's telling you you're doing things wrong and you're walking on eggshells every day.

You deserve better Flowers

downday24 · 03/07/2024 18:52

Well the problem is he's leaving things to you then blaming you. That's great of you can get away with it using it? No responsibility whatsoever!!

Dontliketheheat · 03/07/2024 18:56

He could have read the letter too - have you seen any proof of this job opportunity or is he making it up to beat you with ?

It does sound abusive OP .

maw1681 · 03/07/2024 19:00

He's a bully and he's controlling you by criticising you and constantly belittling you. Seriously think about leaving

Terrribletwos · 03/07/2024 19:04

He was responsible for reading the email as well as you so don't feel bad about that.

However. The above is irrelevant really as he is emotionally abusing you and twisting your thoughts and feelings and badgering you constantly with criticism. I would get out now cos he's a bully.

gamerchick · 03/07/2024 19:07

Have you tried telling him to get fucked and he can do it all in that case?

He's a bully OP.

NC4SeekingHelp · 03/07/2024 19:10

He's emotionally abusing you OP. Just the way you've written your OP sounds like he's eroded a lot of your confidence. Is this someone you really want to be with for the rest of your life? Constantly feeling anxious about being told off or criticised for the next thing you do? I'm usually the last to say LTB but this one seems to fall into that category.

AstonMartha · 03/07/2024 19:15

Your dc are also learning to walk on eggshells. Mine did too. I left once I realised that I didn’t want to be scared of how he would react when the dc did something that didn’t meet his expectations. Ds used to copy his dad too.

Ahlovetoloveyoubaby · 03/07/2024 19:25

if my husband was like this he wouldn’t last long I would remove whatever I’d put in the wrong place and put it directly into his hand so he ‘could show me’ how he would like me to do it properly. Same with everything, I’d send him all the email correspondence with the nursery along with an email explaining husband was now taking over correspondence.

id give it to him to do properly because poor stupid me couldn’t do it. Hopefully if you do this you won’t be so tired.

He sound horrible.

Opentooffers · 03/07/2024 19:28

He's really done a number on you and pulled the wool over your eyes. Either the work opportunity was BS, or he was already looking for an excuse to not take the opportunity. An extra day in childcare doesn't cut it as an excuse if it was the big opportunity he's claiming.
No matter how expensive your childcare seems, it's never going to be more than a day of his pay, so it would of always been affordable.
Most parents have an idea of the daily, if not hourly, rate they pay their nursery, so it shouldn't be hard to work out what 15 hours would save you without even needing to ask, so he should of had an idea, you both should, it's simple maths. Even without doing a calculation then 15 hours extra work is doable without a net loss. Could he not work that out for himself, or ask the nursey himself? Why was that your job to work out if he wanted to do it? It was for him to work out.
Seeing as you both work, I hope the house chores get a 50/50 split. Given he criticises your half, it's about time you got vocal on assessing him, see how he likes it. But I'm betting that he doesn't even come close to doing half of household tasks and admin, however you are so grateful for the bits he does do.
Next time it's not up to his standards, tell him to DIY. He can cut his veg how he likes, clean how he wants. He's got a bad attitude, and for that he should receive consequences, like not having anything done for him. Your words fall on deaf ears, so take action, by doing less. Don't try harder to please, do less, tet more fall to him.