Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I never do anything right and now I’ve really messed up

37 replies

lhare · 03/07/2024 16:48

How can I make things better?

im always being told by my DH that i dont do things right, I dont clean properly, i dont cook properly. I do it properly it’s just I cant seem to meet his standards, I didn’t chop an ingredient finely enough or I didn’t put something away how he likes it. It feels like double standards because it’s ok if he doesn’t clean, or whatever but not if I don’t.

In general I feel like I’m on eggshells round him a lot because there’s always something he’s annoyed at me about which is why I’m feeling really anxious in general.

he’s otherwise very good with our dc, a hard worker and we have a good relationship but there’s always something he’s irritated about by me. I try to talk to him and he said it’s because I do stupid things. I’m not a stupid person.

weve both had to compress hours due to not being able to afford to put our child in nursery more than three times a week, I asked nursery how much we would save once we get the 15 hours and I read the email wrong because I didn’t read it properly and told DH the wrong amount.

turns out we are saving more than we thought. Because he thought we weren’t saving much he told me an opportunity came up at work but he didn’t go for it because we can’t afford the extra day, but now with the hours turns out we could have done. And now he’s very upset with me that he cancelled his interview, I didn’t tell him to do that and said we could find a way. I said I’m sorry.
My job requires me to be so on it, and with our young DC I’m just so tired I didn’t read it properly. Now it’s another thing I’ve done wrong, how can I make this right? I feel terrible and stupid that I read it wrong and he missed a work opportunity. I’m also fed up of feeling like I’m always doing something wrong.

OP posts:
TimeandMotion · 03/07/2024 19:31

What reason does he give for not researching the potential nursery saving himself?

He’s full of shit. If he’d wanted the job that much he’d have done his own fact checking.

Leave the abusive bastard.

Deathraystare · 03/07/2024 19:35

He is a fuckwit. He turned down the job, not you. Probably not up to the job anyway.

Has he taken over any of the chores since he is such an expert in doing them?

Devilsmommy · 03/07/2024 19:38

MistyFrequencies · 03/07/2024 18:15

Leave him. He is abusive.

This. And also I guarantee the work story is bullshit made up to make you feel bad.

Tarantella6 · 03/07/2024 19:44

If you're really so stupid and can't do anything right, by extension he is also stupid for trusting you to do stuff. Only an idiot would rely on information from another idiot that drove such an important decision!

It's all just made up to make you feel bad, he probably wasn't invited to interview 😉

setmestraightplease · 03/07/2024 20:02

@lhare I never do anything right and now I’ve really messed up

No, you haven't!

You. Definitely. Have. Not.

He's taking the easy route and getting away with blaming you for his own laziness and lack of responsibility.

And he's making you feel like it's all YOUR fault.

This says it all: I dont clean properly, i dont cook properly. I do it properly it’s just I cant seem to meet his standards, I didn’t chop an ingredient finely enough or I didn’t put something away how he likes it. It feels like double standards because it’s ok if he doesn’t clean, or whatever but not if I don’t.

And you're right - it IS double standards!

It's always easier to criticise and judge someone else's behaviour rather than our own.

there’s always something he’s irritated about by me. I try to talk to him and he said it’s because I do stupid things. I’m not a stupid person.

Please believe that!! Because it's true!

He's bullying you .
I don't know why he's this way - childhood patterns / misogyny / lack of thought and consideration / lack of awareness

The reason doesn't matter.

What matters is that you recognise that he shouldn't make you feel like ' you're walking on eggshells'

I've made decisions that my OH hasn't agreeed with. My OH has made decisions that I don't agree with.

But there 's always been the space to argue about it whilst still feeling that neither of us is ' walking on eggshells' .

You'll find that you have more power than you think you have, if you stand up to him, stand your ground and stick to what you believe!

He's not right just because he SAYS he's right.

Honestly! 💐💐

Tel12 · 03/07/2024 20:09

This is easy. You don't clean correctly, fine you do it. Don't like my cooking? Great you get to cook from now on, I'll just cook for myself. You need to follow through though. Constantly erroding your confidence is guaranteed to make you less effective. Don't play that game.

LoreleiG · 03/07/2024 20:14

He is abusive OP, sorry. Why didn’t he read the letter from nursery? And I agree the job story sounds like bullshit.

StormingNorman · 03/07/2024 20:20

You set him up to sound like an absolute shit so that when you dropped the “he lost out on a promotion because I read an email wrong” bombshell everybody would already be frothing at his abusive behaviour.

Girl, that was a fuck up! Can’t believe either of you didn’t double and triple check that email before he withdrew from the recruitment process.

As for not chopping vegetables finely enough, tell him he has three options: cook, get a take away, eat it and STFU. He is an arsehole by the way.

verygrumpy · 03/07/2024 21:12

Research suggests that you need a ratio of at least three positive interactions to one negative interaction. Any less and you start fucking with people's heads. Google it. There's lots of research and it's not just true for the workplace, it's also true for relationships. Tell him that his constant criticism is degrading your performance. It's all on him.

What a fucker. Don't stand for this. He either changes, he does couple's counselling, or you leave him. This sort of crap really messes with your self esteem.

2catsandhappy · 03/07/2024 22:07

@lhare have you posted this before? It sounds very familiar.

Every criticism, down tools, wander off, tell him you've lost interest/can't be bothered/he can do it the way he wants it done.
Change the contact details to his information.

An abusive ex of mine, literally told me, he criticizes to make people try harder.
Sounds like you have one of these too.
Just drop the rope.

yeesh · 03/07/2024 22:12

Your husband is an abusive piece of shit

SamanthaJonesWasRight · 03/07/2024 22:15

Another voice to add, you do not have a good relationship.

You deserve better. And so do your children.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page