How do i approach this.... If at all.

[DplaysItCool]

Hi. for context. Im In a heterosexual relationship of 12 years. I am the male/husband. We are 42 and 49 years of age.

Ok, our sex life has been pretty average in terms of the predicitable path for many. Wild when first together. Fast forward to having kids etc. Then i'm booking sex in our calander once every two weeks.... Anyway, My partner has always been quite prudish i guess... Only in the sense that she clams up a bit if i want to talk about sex etc... Shes not very liberal in that sense. That said, when we have sex. Theres no issues at all. She isnt shy, or prudish.
So over the last few years. We generally watch porn together as a prelude to foreplay. The porn is nothing out of the norm. Pretty standard. However, sex has become pretty routine, as has the porn. She seems ok with that... I however would like to spice it up... Which whenever mentioned seems to fall on deaf ears... So i just carry on.
Anyway... The other day i was going through the search history on the laptop, and saw my wifes porn preferences. 4 guys on 1 girl. Lots of gangbang stuff. Rough sex mainly with lots of men on one girl.... Black guys dominating a white woman. (We're white... lol) and honestly, all of it really turned me on. I never said anything. So the next time we had sex, i suggested putting on some similar videos, and she was like ".... No" i tried saying it would be fun, a turn on etc etc. But No. She almost seemed annoyed at me keep suggesting it.... So it Ended up being the usual routine. Which somehow has now left me feeling a bit insecure. But only because i wished she would open up and we could explore these fantasies together.... I feel like it would lead to great sex. But she seems so closed off to anything other than the norm. Ive felt tempted to tell her that i saw what she likes watching, and that its a turn on. but i feel like that might not go down well......... What do i do?! Because im desperate to spice our love life up, but i dont know how to get her to open up. She confesses shes never really been open about sex etc... She never grew up in a house that was.

If you can only have sex if you watch porn first it doesn't sound much of a relationship.

Do you want to share your partner with 3 black guys?

"Which somehow has now left me feeling a bit insecure. But only because i wished she would open up and we could explore these fantasies together.... "

Fantasies are fantasies, doesn't mean we wish to share or replicate. Absolutely zero reason for you to feel insecure. You sound a bit jealous actually that her attention is elsewhere. You're invading her privacy too.

12 years and still both happy.... So.....

If you both need porn to have sex, sounds like your relationship is dead in the ground.

Haha. No.

Yes, but maybe that jealous feeling wouldn't be there if it didnt feel like our sex was just going through the motions. But when shes by herself, its a lot more "exciting"

Maybe forget the porn and buy some bdsm stuff instead

Things can get boring and routine after 12 years im afraid.... Its become a habbit.

I don't think she feels safe to share her fantasies with you. You've got work to do

Not a lot you can do really. You've asked and she's answered. She doesn't want to do anything different with you sexually than she currently does and if you keep badgering her to change her mind it's likely she won't want to do anything at all. Her porn preferences for when she's alone are not going to translate to something she's happy to share with you, so you need to get that out of your head. If you're unhappy with her watching porn because it makes you feel insecure, you could discuss that and ask her not to. But as your objection isn't based in any ethical concern and youd be fine if you were included, I think your case is poor tbh. I think you just need to accept we don't always get what we want, and make your mind up whether exciting sex is more important than being with her, and if it is, move on and try and find it elsewhere. Which may not be that easy either.

Private fantasies and related porn are just that, private.

They may be ok in your head, but not something you feel comfortable sharing, even with your sexual partner.

Lots of people have that private/closed off side to their sexuality, I'd imagine.

She might want to fantasize about and watch those things (alone) but not with someone else.

You don't have a right to every single bit of someone's sexuality/fantasies/mind.

Sometimes people are actually ashamed of/uncomfortable about fantasies or turn-ons - because they find them immoral or repugnant in reality.

They don't want them outside their head, as it were. They'd never be comfortable sharing them, even in the context of their sex life with their partner.

Not safe in what way....

I guess you're right... I just dont get how she could like all this close to the mark stuff, but be content with the standard boring stuff with us. I always thought she may just be embarrassed, or assumes i may get annoyed at what shes watching... I thought couples exploring their fantasies was a good thing.....

Anyone else find it hard to believe this mild lady is watching some pretty choice pornography.

What do you mean? Elaborate...

Its a good thing if both people want to share. It's an equally good thing to have some privacy if that's what you want. It's entirely up to the person. What you should not do is allow your assumptions to run away with you. Because she likes watching this, you assume she'd like to share it with you. Because she likes to watch rough sex you assume...what? That she'd really like to do that with you but is afraid to say? Because if your thoughts are even edging in that direction, you need to rein them back in. Unless your wife tells you verbally and explicitly that she wants that sort of sex, the only assumption you should make is that she doesn't. Otherwise you're moving into very dangerous territory.

I'm hardly shy around sex and very open to many things. Sharing my porn and what I get off over would be something I'm 100% not willing to do. I may discuss it loosely but won't give him anything specific. From shared laptop, I know my porn is much more "exciting" than the usual run of the mill standard stuff my H indulges in. And that's fine. But sharing exactly what I get over while masturbating is my business and mine alone.

I wouldn't want watch porn together while getting intimate either. To me it detracts and add another unnecessary sensory aspect when I'd rather enjoy and focus solely on eachother. Bin off the porn together, see if having no distractions helps to liven things up.

May be get some toys involved if she's into dp. We use several different styles and types, not always but they do often feature in sex and other sexual activities. Try going for play only and not full piv to mix it up or skip a lengthy foreplay session and get straight down to business. I don't know whatever works for you both. Just try mixing it up.

You should be able to speak to your wife about sex and solo play without fear of embarrassment, and she should be able to do the same. If she's not willing to, take the lead and buy a toy for her or suggest it. We always do a debrief after while cuddling, what went well, what we won't do again etc. It's sound terribly boring and analytical but it's not. Helps us to maintain, establish and push each other boundaries and adds to the continuous discovering. We've been together for longer than you and your wife, have 2 kids etc etc.

Tbh that's the sort of porn I enjoy, but it can be seen as a bit of a taboo for a woman to find the idea of multiple partners or gangbang as erotic..there's a lot of stereotypes about what women "should" want in terms of fantasies, the knight on the white horse sweeping in to save the princess (cut to crashing waves) rather than the knight and some of his men running a train on the princess instead.

Maybe rather than putting her on the spot about her viewing choices, try to make her feel safe to share.

Do not offer to invite the lads from football over

Make sure you’re focusing on other areas of intimacy and how you show love too.

bringing home flowers, making sure to have a hug and kiss in the morning before you go to work, catching up at the end of the day and listening to each other, telling her she looks great today etc.

once these things are consistent and you’re both feeling valued, loved, heard and seen it should help in the bedroom area. You’ll both feel more secure and relaxed and gently you could bring in new ideas.

Offer her a massage beforehand, ask her what she’d like from you during sex whilst in the moment. Don’t make it a confrontational conversation that she’s taken back by.

It all sounds a bit mechanical to me, like you are doing sex to her. Maybe try to connect more intimately in your relationship in general and you might get somewhere.

Thats the tricky thing. I know shes not very open with those disucssions. She clams up and gets embarrassed... Im trying to find a way of getting her to relax where thats concerned. Once we're having sex, shes fine.

Then talk about it then...

Trust me. The intimacy thing is something ive yearned for. But shes quite hard like that... She didnt come from a house/childhood where "i love you" was ever said. Sex was NEVER spoken about... Which she says is probably why she isnt more open about it.
But that doesnt mean she doesnt want to be..... Is that my job to fix that. Or do i just accept it. Knowing our sex life and intimacy could be much more.