How do i approach this.... If at all.

[DplaysItCool]

Hi. for context. Im In a heterosexual relationship of 12 years. I am the male/husband. We are 42 and 49 years of age.

Ok, our sex life has been pretty average in terms of the predicitable path for many. Wild when first together. Fast forward to having kids etc. Then i'm booking sex in our calander once every two weeks.... Anyway, My partner has always been quite prudish i guess... Only in the sense that she clams up a bit if i want to talk about sex etc... Shes not very liberal in that sense. That said, when we have sex. Theres no issues at all. She isnt shy, or prudish.
So over the last few years. We generally watch porn together as a prelude to foreplay. The porn is nothing out of the norm. Pretty standard. However, sex has become pretty routine, as has the porn. She seems ok with that... I however would like to spice it up... Which whenever mentioned seems to fall on deaf ears... So i just carry on.
Anyway... The other day i was going through the search history on the laptop, and saw my wifes porn preferences. 4 guys on 1 girl. Lots of gangbang stuff. Rough sex mainly with lots of men on one girl.... Black guys dominating a white woman. (We're white... lol) and honestly, all of it really turned me on. I never said anything. So the next time we had sex, i suggested putting on some similar videos, and she was like ".... No" i tried saying it would be fun, a turn on etc etc. But No. She almost seemed annoyed at me keep suggesting it.... So it Ended up being the usual routine. Which somehow has now left me feeling a bit insecure. But only because i wished she would open up and we could explore these fantasies together.... I feel like it would lead to great sex. But she seems so closed off to anything other than the norm. Ive felt tempted to tell her that i saw what she likes watching, and that its a turn on. but i feel like that might not go down well......... What do i do?! Because im desperate to spice our love life up, but i dont know how to get her to open up. She confesses shes never really been open about sex etc... She never grew up in a house that was.

It’s even possible she isn’t watching it because she’s enjoying it - it isn’t uncommon for rape victims to watch rape porn as a way of working through it (like picking at a scab) not because they were turned on by being raped. Or people watch compulsively because it is a fear of theirs, not something they would ever want to happen. Like somebody with a fear of heights being drawn to a cliff.

I’m not saying that it’s healthy, but if she has non-erotic reasons for watching this she almost certainly won’t want to watch alongside you.

Just because someone watches something privately doesn't mean they want to bring it into their actual sex life with their spouse. And she's made clear she doesn't.

Have you asked her what she would like? Have you told her what you would like?

You say "seems OK with that" "falls on deaf ears". Pretty vague. What did you say? What did she say?

Honestly, i wish i hadn't seen her porn choices now.... I feel like i cant say anything because she'll feel like ive invaded her privacy. But on the other hand, i feel like it could be a positive way to spice up our sexlife and open up about fantasies etc.... I dont know what to do....

Then buy her a toy for you to use on her...I highly recommend a womaniser, pricey but my god it is literally life changing.

I got mine as a Christmas present from H. Helps add to whole overall sex experience with him. As in, he'll ask/sugges that I use it during the day when I can, if we are planning an evening session. We do need to pre plan sometimes because well, life and kids and the everything else can get in the way.

If you can't talk it out, be sensitive and try to add things that you know she maybe interested in. But don't wait until you're in bed to add these, do it at an appropriate time away from sex to add pressure and gauge her reaction.

Or just plainly say how you feel...things feel stagnant and I'd like to speak to you about if you're happy with how things are or if you want to do, add, try ....you get the point

I feel like, the fact she enjoys this sort of porn, tells me she wants something more exciting, extreme, filthy... Yet doesnt express any desire for that when we're together. Which i then take personally(which is probably wrong)... Or maybe i just need to take the lead with spicing it up.

I'm sure you have fantasies and that doesn't take away your feelings for her.

Why not ask her what she would enjoy in the bedroom, you don't have to say you've seen anything.

Enjoying watching something doesn't necessarily mean that you want to do it yourself.

When I said intimacy, I didn't mean sex or even affection, but building up openness and trust in general. Does she feel that you value all of her and that you are interested in her feelings in all areas, not just the bedroom?

And I agree with the others it could well be just curiosity , doesn't necessarily mean she wants to do any of the things she's viewed.

Take the lead gently and sensitively. I'm hugely thankful for a man in my past who did just that and helped show me a completely different side of myself away from the standard accepted polite norm.

From the onset, though, my h knew I didn't want and wasn't into polite sex. (I can't think of a better word) we spent many hours discussing sex and expectations.

I'll probably get slated here, but here it is anyway. Read up on bdsm aftercare and debriefing, discussions around boundaries and limits. I'm not suggesting you go full gimp suit or anything, but you may find some useful tips about how to get her to open up a bit more or how to tacyfully introduce new things.

Also, sex in a long term relationship is very different to sex I had with others who I wasn't exclusive with or wanting a long term relationship with. Some of it doesn't work in real life, with all of the add extras thrown in. She simply may want to have her own personal fantasies, and they are just that.

You can't seem to get past the idea that watching/re-enacting porn is the answer. It very rarely is (for women anyway) and it certainly isn't working in your relationship is it.

That's a huge assumption and possibly a fallacy.

I watch stuff I would never in a month of Sundays ever want to do.

Nor would I want to discuss it with a partner.

Watching other people do things I'd not the same as wanting to do them yourself.

That's the whole point of some fantasies and porn; that there are about crazy shit you'd never do.

It's easy to go down a rabbit hole in porn. Or click on things that you're not quite sure what they entail until you watch them.

There have been things with non representative thumb nails I've clicked on and then thought "fuck no, I can't get into this". You can't assume everything is something she chose knowingly and watched from start to finish.

But even if it was .... Some fantasies and related porn are purely "out there" fantasies that are much more extreme than you'd be comfortable with..and, as I said, maybe even repugnant to you, IRL.

If someone wanted to do them or incorporate them into their sex life, they would. They would be trying to find a way to get you into them, not the opposite.

How are you hoping to incorporate gang bangs and interracial sex into your sex life anyway; ..fantasising about doing it and talking about it while having sex? .... To me that sounds cringe.

The rougher sex, I suppose you could do, but again, it may be something that's ok with two actors doing it, and watching it but not something she wants to do herself.

In any case, she doesn't want to incorporate them, so ....

Yep... You're totally right i guess.

What I fantasise about and what I actually like during real life sex are so far removed from each other they could be in different universes.

Just like @BouquetGarni224 said: I watch stuff I would never in a month of Sundays ever want to do.

Nor would I want to discuss it with a partner.

I also don't watch porn with a partner because I don't want the pressure, or even the feeling that I have to 'compete' with what is going on in it.

Porn isn't real. Anyone who thinks their sex life is going to be like it is immature and in for a lot of disappointment.