Heartbreak- how long to recover when you really want to?

[NoTurningBack7]

Hi everyone. I met the love of my life in January. I’m 50. Recently divorced and realise now I had never been truly in love before.
So this beautiful soul connected with me on so many levels and I felt like I’d never felt before. It last three months. And then his avoidant traits became increasingly apparent and he just didn’t want a lasting relationship…

I tend towards anxious attachment but am not clingy or possessive. I always gave him space and he appreciated that- but I lost myself a little in trying to give him that space.(My own needs were not met).

Anyway, it has been 9 weeks since it ended and 7 weeks since we saw each other.

id like us to be friends once I’ve moved on…

but how long until i stop thinking of him daily? Stop imagining conversations with him? Stop feeling the need to process all this emotion? It’s exhausting! I know I can’t be with him - he doesn’t want me and he’s no good for me (I’d constantly be afraid he’d leave again and he’ll never commit to anyone)

Please inspire me with tales of getting over your soul mate, when you never dreamed that you would manage it.

How Long did it take?
And any advice??
Tia 😊

Well I would start by focusing on the reasons you broke up. I know you're in pain at the moment but he really isn't your soul mate if you can see already all these reasons why it wouldn't work. Focus on the real person and not the fantasy one and that will be a start. I think they idea of "soul mates" really isn't helpful and especially not when you're still looking! Don't limit yourself by imagining you've found and lost Mr Perfect already.

Thanks so much @cunningartificer i totally see what you mean re the soulmate but i guess that was my shorthand way of saying that we share values (spiritual and other deep stuff) passions, interests, quirks, other spooky things that just clicked about us..)
So yeah, unlikely to feel that holistic connection with anyone in so many ways (I’m self sabotaging by thinking that probably!)

I would say accept that you will never be friends sooner rather than later and cut all ties, phone number in contacts, social media, everything.

the sooner he is completely gone from your life forever, the sooner the pain will stop and you won’t care to have him as a friend moving forwards.

Be really realistic with yourself about how unhappy it was making you to not have your needs met.

Don't be caught up in someone's potential. It's natural to look back with the old rose coloured glasses, but what was the truth of it?

Thanks both. I really appreciate your advice. I don’t do social media etc but I still do hope to be friends. But I accept that this may not be realistic without prolonging my agony!

He may be moving abroad for work in a couple of months and part of me hopes that he does actually go…

I am usually pretty secure attachment wise but with an avoidant I become extremely anxious. I sympathise. I am your age and have been married many years but was very affected by a previous relationship with a severe avoidant. More recently I have developed a close friendship with someone who is avoidant and even that has needed me to be very aware of my emotions.

There’s a really good Instagram account called Coach Ryan coach_ryan-h He really talks clearly about avoidants and the impact being with one can have on your own mental wellbeing.

All you can do really is no contact plus keeping yourself very busy. It will pass.

He may have felt like a strong connection because he may have been mirroring you. The neglect/trauma that goes with avoidant attachment can lead to a really limited sense of self in the person and so they mirror those around them. It can lead to feeling like a really strong connection.

I have also found it helpful to remember that emotionally they are probably about 12.

And although you don’t do social media I would join Instagram (you don’t have to post) just to follow Coach Ryan (I have no connection to him - just found his page really helpful).

I was just in a relationship with an avoidant who has disappeared for the last few days.

I am myself rarher secure and no he reignites absolutely no anxious feelings. What I am thinking is that people like him are of good use after a divorce and when one doesn’t want a relationship. You don’t even need to get rid of them. Just show some emotion, affection when you want them out of your life and they will disappear. It’s great. Then you can go on with your life, go out with friends, flirt with new people. They will be back after a few weeks of no contact. If you are still not in the state to have a loving relationship you can just use them to have sex, keep you a bit of a company. When you feel you want to get rid of them, do something thoughful to make them think you might be developing a relationship and there you go! Gone!

OP, apologies but FFS! What have you fallen in love with? Homis horrible behvior? His emotional wounds? This guy sounds burnt out! 3 months and you think they are the love of your life? OP, you are the one needing help here. Please get some therapy and move on to love a kind, loving, secure man. If there are any out there.

Yes agree with PP.

But I know someone who wanted to get over a relationship after three years. (Plus longer as friends).

I would say 12 months of concerted effort, and getting out there. Not permitting yourself time to daydream about them, or find ways to hope for the future.

A three month relationship seems madly intense to me, was it real or was it what you wanted it to be?

But how do you stop daydreaming about them??

It was intense. I’m 18 months out of a long marriage and was emotionally naive and too open hearted. I won’t make this mistake again.

But I am where I am…

Therapy. It will happen again believe me. It’s you attachment style that is the problem here.

So@Rania78 your tongue in cheek advice is rather good for the NEXT avoidant I meet but I can apply that retrospectively! I’m already broken hearted :(

Get a dog.

If you have therapy you will realise you have fallen in love with a fantasy and you will get over it.

Avoid daydreaming by keeping busy and therapy to understand why this has affected you so much.

You do have control over your choices - and that includes daydreaming!

@Rania78 I’ve done loads of work on it and I’m in another relationship (casual) with a great guy and I’m not the least bit insecure with him because I’ve got that self awareness…and we’re both clear about expectations (Also been seeing him three months- neither relationship was/ is monogamous but that’s not the point of this thread!!)

i know it’ll be something to go on working through but trust me i know that I am working on attachment :)

I totally hear you all about therapy in principle but wondering if spending hours and paying ££££ to talk about him is going to just make me focus on him more…

Accept that you can’t be friends and block him, delete his number and draw a line under it.

look back on it as a romance that was lovely at the time, but only for then.

@Ingens that’s so true!

I think my brain is still getting a reward from the daydreaming in some f*cked up way ..

So you were with another man at the same time?
But he was your soul mate & the love of your life?

@Jonisaysitbest this isn’t the point of the thread… but we are all ethically non monogamous. I’m not expecting most people to ‘get’ that lifestyle choice. And it’s not what I’m posting about 😊

This.
Friends with someone when they have abandoned you, they don't have the same feelings but you do: It's agony. Each contact puts you back to square one, stops you moving on, messes your head.
I'm saying this as 'learn from my mistakes' rather than 'do as I do':
I'm about to move house just to get away from this situation because, nearly a year after it all went wrong, seeing each other because she wants to be just friends and has me to lean on, is so unhealthy for me.
It's hard to cut completely, but 'just friends' is harder.

Whatever 🙄

You just fell for the storefront - there was nothing of value in the shop.

He could project all these wonderful qualities for a while but then it broke down because it’s not who he truly is.

Just give it time. It will pass. Try to distract yourself.