Heartbreak- how long to recover when you really want to?

[NoTurningBack7]

Hi everyone. I met the love of my life in January. I’m 50. Recently divorced and realise now I had never been truly in love before.
So this beautiful soul connected with me on so many levels and I felt like I’d never felt before. It last three months. And then his avoidant traits became increasingly apparent and he just didn’t want a lasting relationship…

I tend towards anxious attachment but am not clingy or possessive. I always gave him space and he appreciated that- but I lost myself a little in trying to give him that space.(My own needs were not met).

Anyway, it has been 9 weeks since it ended and 7 weeks since we saw each other.

id like us to be friends once I’ve moved on…

but how long until i stop thinking of him daily? Stop imagining conversations with him? Stop feeling the need to process all this emotion? It’s exhausting! I know I can’t be with him - he doesn’t want me and he’s no good for me (I’d constantly be afraid he’d leave again and he’ll never commit to anyone)

Please inspire me with tales of getting over your soul mate, when you never dreamed that you would manage it.

How Long did it take?
And any advice??
Tia 😊

Are you in a commune?

@AtrociousCircumstance thank you. That makes sense.

And @BelindaOkra I’m already finding Coach Ryan helpful. Thank you!

@WavingTree no

I’d really rather keep to the OP if that’s ok😊

By working out that this was a rebound love and probably tainted by that.

You got out of a bad relationship and fell into another brief lovely relationship. But that's all it was ... Rebound love.

It's a month for every year you were together so you're probably mourning your previous relationship and that's not you now think you're feeling.

Ps I am not "ethically non-monogamous".
I don't agree with your sweeping statement that "we all are". But, as you say, that's a whole other issue and a whole other thread.

@Jonisaysitbest i was talking about the people I’ve been in relationship with since my divorce lol! Not you or anyone else in the world!!!

@Jonisaysitbest im chuckling about how I was misunderstood. Sorry if I wasn’t clear 😊

As a PP said, when someone comes out with grand statements like "love of my life" "had never been truly in love before", "this beautiful soul connected with me on so many levels" and "I felt like I’d never felt before", it is often (but not always) because someone has done a number on them.

So is he really an avoidant? Or rather a manipulative arsehole? Who became an illusion of what you wanted, and told you everything you wanted to hear? Who strangely and coincidentally ticked all your boxes?

In answer to your OP, I unfortunately fell for one of those some years ago. Eventually I did some reading about manipulators, saw him for what he was and ended things. It left me absolutely heartbroken. But 18 months and a few fuckbuddies later (that really helped!) I met someone. That someone is now my DH. So it can take time, but IME not that long in the grand scheme of things. I wish you well.

Ha! Apologies! That's the problem with me being on MN too early in the morning

@Jonisaysitbest your most gracious apology is accepted 😊

@squishee thats interesting. I’m sure that he was not consciously a manipulator but it was highly confusing emotionally. He was very clear about not wanting a relationship/ commitment and his past failed relationship history.

Yet… he showed up as someone who was mutually falling in love with me in terms of affection and loving behaviour/ couldn’t get enough of each other early on…. But he never really said how he felt except saying ‘it’s very mutual ‘ when I talked about him being special/ valuing our connection etc

Sorry OP, but he sounds manipulative to me. This 'deep connection' was him mirroring you and showing you everything you wanted to hear and feel. However he told you didn't want a relationship, but the problem is you didn't listen.
The soulmates illusion was his MO and you fell for it. l doubt very much he is avoidant, he knew what he was doing. You will get over him by rigorously batting away any thoughts of him and also by staying no contact and by blocking him on everything.

Therapy

Like other pps, I think the answer in getting over him lies in you working to dissolve the “soul-mate” illusion. How can he be your soul-mate when he didn’t want to be with you? You felt the connection with him was intense and from your description of the beginning of the relationship, there was a feeling of mutually falling in love. So, what happened? Either you misinterpreted how he was feeling, or, for him, something then changed. Either way, it may not be so much that he is avoidant, but that he is not the person he was presenting himself to be.

Let me ask you: I assume he told you from the beginning he didn’t want commitment? Had he been in any long relationships before? Did he have female friends/ex-lovers that he leant on for emotional support? Did he give you affection/gifts/attention early on, despite saying he wanted no commitment?