What to do? | Mumsnet

roundthebends · 2024-07-02T09:02:18+00:00

I am in a group of friends who meet up for a drink or coffee we keep up with each other on social media. I found out that they'd been to a club without me. I knew they were planning to go in the future - I mentioned us going recently and they didn't respond. So then I find they've been last week and hadn't asked me. I felt hurt, not because I wanted to go to the club, but because I was excluded and they kept it from me and deliberately said nothing despite me asking them. They'd also set up another alternative chat group to organise their outing to this club. There's one person in particular who seems to have taken against me and I think she is behind this exclusion and although she's quite nice to my face she is nasty behind my back - do I message her putting it it in writing or do I speak to her face to face what would you do. I can't just cut her or them off as it's a small town where we live

Waterboatlass · 02/07/2024 10:09

Well to be honest the whole group are complicit, not just her. Couldn't you just ask one of the others or the group what happened?

ByCupidStunt · 02/07/2024 10:21

I'd put it in writing, something like "hey guys, where was my club invitation last week?"

SamW98 · 02/07/2024 10:42

ByCupidStunt · 02/07/2024 10:21

I'd put it in writing, something like "hey guys, where was my club invitation last week?"

Yep this. I’d put in the group chat ‘where was my invite?’

PashaMinaMio · 02/07/2024 10:44

It all sounds very playground.

Id cut loose. Stop looking for anything from them. Given it’s a small town, move on in a subtle way without fanfare.

Original poster

roundthebends · 02/07/2024 11:03

I'm thinking the light approach of "where's my invite?" is good, but I also feel like it's time to walk away and move on from their games

OP posts:

Santacruzing · 02/07/2024 11:12

People are allowed to set up new or different chat groups, they do not need to consult you or ask for your permission.

Anytime more than two people are chatting, there is every possibility that some may talk without some others present, friendship groups are not a brutalist regime that forbids privacy or the gatherings of small groups.

I have friendship groups that sometimes mingle and other times don’t, according to the needs and moods of the individuals involved.
On many occasions, they have met up without my knowledge, I didn’t think twice. I know if I suggested a meet, they would come, that’s all that matters. The rest is their business.

These are adult autonomous people who exist separately from you, their movements are non of your business.

Not every conversation or every activity is suited to every person in the group.
It wouldn’t occur to me to tell the whole group what event we had attended without them, because it wouldn’t be in my mind to think we are not allowed to do so or that someone might get upset about it.

Are you still very young? Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
Think more about that than what other people are doing with their free time.
I would suggest thinking more about emotional maturity as well as organising self fulling pursuits of your own.

Skybluepinky · 02/07/2024 11:23

there are no rules saying they have to invite u to everything, sounds like none of them wanted u there, not a lot u can do about it.

Original poster

roundthebends · 02/07/2024 11:29

@Santacruzing thank you for that, my point is that they deliberately kept it hidden from me. I couldn't care less who goes where and with whom or when or why

OP posts:

Waterboatlass · 02/07/2024 11:35

Santacruzing · 02/07/2024 11:12

People are allowed to set up new or different chat groups, they do not need to consult you or ask for your permission.

Anytime more than two people are chatting, there is every possibility that some may talk without some others present, friendship groups are not a brutalist regime that forbids privacy or the gatherings of small groups.

I have friendship groups that sometimes mingle and other times don’t, according to the needs and moods of the individuals involved.
On many occasions, they have met up without my knowledge, I didn’t think twice. I know if I suggested a meet, they would come, that’s all that matters. The rest is their business.

These are adult autonomous people who exist separately from you, their movements are non of your business.

Not every conversation or every activity is suited to every person in the group.
It wouldn’t occur to me to tell the whole group what event we had attended without them, because it wouldn’t be in my mind to think we are not allowed to do so or that someone might get upset about it.

Are you still very young? Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
Think more about that than what other people are doing with their free time.
I would suggest thinking more about emotional maturity as well as organising self fulling pursuits of your own.

That's a very long way of missing the point that one person here has been deliberately excluded. One or two haven't just done something separately. Of course the OP is feeling this.

Original poster

roundthebends · 02/07/2024 11:37

@Waterboatlass
Thank you

OP posts:

Thankyouuuu · 02/07/2024 11:51

They were cunts. Yes ask where is my invite and then just keep your tone friendly, do not confront. You want them to realise you know what's up and then just distance yourself. When you see them say a polite hello and keep it brief bright and breezy with them. If they say where you've been just say busy. Soon enough the friendship will pick on someone else and then the new black sheep will find you to "reconnect", whether you accept this is up to you.

ShrubRose · 02/07/2024 12:37

roundthebends · 02/07/2024 11:03

I'm thinking the light approach of "where's my invite?" is good, but I also feel like it's time to walk away and move on from their games

If you think this group may be of some use to you, e.g. in having connections, sharing information, etc., stick around.

But recognize that they are not friends.

And I wouldn't bring it up. They know they did it. It won't change anything.

DollyBelle · 02/07/2024 12:54

OP do you have other friends who appreciate you? Spend time with them.
While people are ‘free’ to set up another chat and go to a club that doesn’t mean it’s fine to do. You had already suggested this club, so they knew you wanted to go.
If there is someone in this group who has taken against you I wouldn’t want to be near it. It’s like playground bullying. If this person is domineering and led the others into a different group to exclude you, then who needs a friend/s like that?
Over the years I’ve got to know the difference between real friends and good time friends.
I wouldn’t comment about not being invited and I would leave them to it. And remember the ones following this person’s lead could at some point fall out of favour.
Don’t engage with it and share your friendly nature with others who value it.
It might be tempting to send them all a link to the new ‘Mean Girls’ musical and suggest they might get a discount for attending, but don’t.
But they certainly deserve one - and don’t deserve you!

mayberedgates · 02/07/2024 13:16

Thank you @ShrubRose @DollyBelle i find it hard to work out was has been happening and I know it's like petty playground bullying but you can't always see it yourself and need to hear it from people who are impartial. I think this one woman is quite a domineering type and that she is threatened by me as I'm easy going and get on with people as well as being a fairly strong character (so I'm told) so I think she's setting out to undermine me, so I'm not going respond as I think I'd be giving her ammunition

IsawwhatIsaw · 02/07/2024 13:25

Well they’re not friends.
if there’s one person you feel you are closer to, you could mention it. But I think you have to move on. Basically they’re bullying you, it’s deliberate.

Reelyeasty · 02/07/2024 13:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

BlastedPimples · 02/07/2024 14:09

Op, were you the only one excluded?

Ignore the "be more mature" posts. This exclusion is of course hurtful and quite why it had to be secret adds to it.

Recognise they are not your friends. Start to invest in other people and other groups.

Btw, how do you know that one person is awful about you behind your back?

Don't flounce. It will achieve nothing and will justify their excluding you.

Just start to gently fade from their view without discussing it.

LinaLouLa · 05/07/2024 22:17

I honestly don't think I could be bothered to ask them. They knew you were keen to go and all excluded you anyway and set up another chat. These are not your friends. I'd just leave the whatsapp group and walk away. They are not worth it.

Catoo · 06/07/2024 00:58

Agree with PP.
Gradually fade this lot out. Mute / archive the chat.
Spend time with people who seek out and value your company.

Bet they had a shit time at the club.

Also, there will be at least one other who doesn’t like the domineering one, who will likely seek you out at some point and will tell you how it all went down. There will be some jealousy at the root of this.

Here’s to better friends 🎉

💐

Pomegranatecarnage · 06/07/2024 06:43

I totally understand why you’re upset-I would be too. Is there one member you’re closer to who you could ask about it? If not, I’d leave the group as it’s just mean.

Mugaloaf · 06/07/2024 06:56

They don't sound like very nice people. There is nothing childish about being upset.

I would gently distance myself from the group and mix more with people who appreciate you.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 06/07/2024 08:09

Santacruzing · 02/07/2024 11:12

People are allowed to set up new or different chat groups, they do not need to consult you or ask for your permission.

Anytime more than two people are chatting, there is every possibility that some may talk without some others present, friendship groups are not a brutalist regime that forbids privacy or the gatherings of small groups.

I have friendship groups that sometimes mingle and other times don’t, according to the needs and moods of the individuals involved.
On many occasions, they have met up without my knowledge, I didn’t think twice. I know if I suggested a meet, they would come, that’s all that matters. The rest is their business.

These are adult autonomous people who exist separately from you, their movements are non of your business.

Not every conversation or every activity is suited to every person in the group.
It wouldn’t occur to me to tell the whole group what event we had attended without them, because it wouldn’t be in my mind to think we are not allowed to do so or that someone might get upset about it.

Are you still very young? Do you have a lot of time on your hands?
Think more about that than what other people are doing with their free time.
I would suggest thinking more about emotional maturity as well as organising self fulling pursuits of your own.

Very rude. ‘Are you still very young?’ What a dumb question, it happens to grown ass mum friends so often. The OP clearly stated she’d like to go too. It’s passive aggressive bullying behaviour. Normally because someone will feel threatened by the person they leave out or perceive them as not ‘cool’ enough.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 06/07/2024 08:11

Get on with your own life and join in less and less. If you have other friends choose them instead. Some of these groups can be very toxic. I’ve had experience of this in my village. All removed from FB and I just don’t consider any of them friends. Friends don’t behave like that.

mumgodloveher · 06/07/2024 08:38

@roundthebends @mayberedgates
Think you may have had a name change fail

iwonderland · 06/07/2024 08:40

roundthebends · 02/07/2024 11:03

I'm thinking the light approach of "where's my invite?" is good, but I also feel like it's time to walk away and move on from their games

100% I wouldn't even say anything if that was me. It was clearly deliberate and if they want to be like that and exclude you they aren't friends hun. I honestly don't get why 'women' do that...