What to do?

[roundthebends]

I am in a group of friends who meet up for a drink or coffee we keep up with each other on social media.

I found out that they'd been to a club without me. I knew they were planning to go in the future - I mentioned us going recently and they didn't respond. So then I find they've been last week and hadn't asked me.

I felt hurt, not because I wanted to go to the club, but because I was excluded and they kept it from me and deliberately said nothing despite me asking them. They'd also set up another alternative chat group to organise their outing to this club.

There's one person in particular who seems to have taken against me and I think she is behind this exclusion and although she's quite nice to my face she is nasty behind my back - do I message her putting it it in writing or do I speak to her face to face what would you do. I can't just cut her or them off as it's a small town where we live

I'd be slightly stronger than 'where's my invite' id let them know it's a horrid thing to do. Then I'd walk away, hopefully the ones who went along with it for an easy life feel bad for excluding you and don't do it to others in the future. The queen bee won't give a shit and will then move into the next person she takes umbrage to.

They're not mutually exclusive tbh. If I were you, I'd prepare to walk away, and then ask the question.

I agree with this.

Its completely understandable that you feel hurt and the secrecy makes it worse, particularly when accompanied by social media which lets you find out later. Thats mean girls 101.

I wouldn't message the Whats App, out of curiosity I'd ask a person in the group who was most likely to tell me. I also wouldn't assume that everyone was in on it, or that you were the only one left out. You may not be the only one fed up of the domineering one. Presumably you got on OK with them all before this started?

Sometimes large group dynamics just don't work, often because of actions like this, because of Queen Bee ism, but in much smaller groups it can be better. Maybe you could start your own whats app with one or two people you still like in the group? if you feel there are some. You don't need a large group, just people who are nice to you and appreciate your friendly nature.

You said you were concerned because it was a small town, that's understandable. I'd fade out from that group and focus on building new interests and new friends. Then if you did run into them, smile and wave as you move on, and act as though you haven't a care in the world. Then you don't have to worry about awkwardness. They are the ones who will feel awkward.

But I'd also be a bit naughty and suggest to the friend in the group that you speak to and say "You realise that when she can't pick on me anymore... she's going to look for other candidates." Just to stir them all up a bit. Its a bit mischevious, but I guarantee that group is going to shrink rapidly anyway if they let that toxicity continue and you will be well out of it, building new friendships. I wouldn't look on it as being forced to leave, this could turn out to be a lucky escape from a lot more unnecessary angst, caused by their Mean Girl antics. The Hen and bridesmaid scenarios alone would be awful.

It isn't very polite the way it was handled. Noone is suggesting that they do eeverrything together but no need to keep it a secret.

It has happened manyy times on the school yard. I have been excluded from trips and made to feel likee it wwas a secret. It is a horrible feeling. But I have also shyed away from some people nd made plans not to include some based on how it lters the dynamic. I feear we are ll gguilty of it sometiimes.

The thing is, it's doesn't matter what you say, or in what tone.

As soon as you open your mouth, you're going to instigate them as being lousy, and noone wants to be put on the spot like that, or called lousy, even if they were (and they were). There will be a twist and they'll focus on what you said, rather than their bad behaviour.

And so, I am of the camp to say nothing, and steer away from this group. And make (new) better friends. Find your people.

Well non of them are loyal to you by sounds of it. Have you offended them? Sounds like you need to find a new group of friends. Though if that one friend is Narc they are great manipulators. Wouldn't hurt to ask one of the friends I guess.

I’d just text and say ‘Cheers for asking me guys’

Leave it up to them.

Thanks everyone for your advice a week or so further on and I'm already feeling lighter less stressed by the groups. I've not mentioned to any of them and have decided to move quietly and politely away from them I did speak to one who I get on with the best and said why wasn't I invited and she really didn't know why - or so she said, but I thought it will get to the others via her.

Lots of good advice and support - I didn't know if I was right or wrong to be upset - but f**k 'em. I'm working on other friendships x

It is hurtful. Hate group things and dramas. I tend meet one to one now. I have been left out of things its not nice