Divorced with teen DC, so is my Partner of 2.5 years. He has a good relationship with his ExW, I have met her and his kids as well as his wider family as his new partner.
DP and I have tried to approach this relationship differently and transparently. We both made communication mistakes in our marriages before and have talked through how we will be honest and open with each other. We've practiced this well so far and been close as a result but there are a few scenarios where I feel he is secretive just for the hell of being secretive.
DP is currently in the US having attended one of his DC graduation with his ExW and her new partner. I could not go because of work but was invited. He has been in contact with me regularly, sending pics, and I've been aware of his plans, as he has had to take several flights - one to new york for a work meeting before flying to oregon to meet DC, ExW and her partner for the graduation and then on to California for another work related meeting. When DP and I fly which we do a lot for work, we always notify each other of take off and landing. It's not a rule but we both do it a lot as a way of checking in. I have not been paying a huge amount of attention to his trip, as been busy with my own stuff (DP has actually been asking me to be in touch more and calling me during breaks,) however today we've had an exchange which has really bothered me.
Today DP left Oregon for California. I assumed he was taking a flight as I had asked him several times a few days ago, when was he "flying" and he had responded that he was "getting down there" on Monday. I asked specifically when his flight was twice, but I realised when I looked back on the whatsapps he had not replied specifically about it. I had asked because he was trying to plan something for the weekend for both of us and the day he returned would have a direct effect on when I could leave work and when I would make a booking for us.
He was checking in as usual today but there were some long gaps between correspondence. I responded to one message asking him what time his flight was again. He read it and there was a gap of about 3 hours and then he responded "I'm driving there now. Bad signal. Just stopped for a hike," and sent a picture of a remote location.
I said, I'm finding it a bit weird you didn't tell me this! I looked up the distance from where he was in Oregon to where he's going in California, and it's an 11 hour drive - he is essentially on a road trip with a rented car. He also would not have done an 11 hour trip alone, so I assumed then and there that he is with his exW and her partner. I said I was surprised he didn't tell me, but that it was none of my business what he did, and wished him well and to have fun. He then got quite defensive and said "why do you have a problem with me going on a hike? Can't I just go for a hike in peace?"
I said I have no problem with the hike! I just find it strange I knew every detail of your trip apart from this bit, and you are taking an 11-hour road trip, obviously with ExW, instead of a 2 hour plane ride. He responded "Honestly, I'm just making it up as I go," (which is really NOT true as he is a planner and he has been scheduled back-to-back with work and is also trying to schedule me in to go away this weekend and sort his flights back from california to do his meetings and return on time.) He then sent a pic of his DC, his ex wife and her partner under a cactus by the car.
I said listen if you just told me what you were doing, I wouldn't have cared, I just find it weird you didn't tell me you were on a road trip about it and now you're gaslighting me! And he wrote back "Will you stop! It's just a hike. Jeez."
AIBU to be upset about this and to feel gaslighted? He's not cheating on me, I know that. It's all quite innocuous. But for a relationship that is built on having no secrets, honest communication etc (a rule implemented by HIM) that's a pretty shady way to respond?
Sometimes I feel like secrecy is just ingrained in is being. Like he keeps some things under wraps for the sake of it. Like he would not reveal what he had for breakfast if he felt I was too interested in it.