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Original poster

Am I asexual? Struggling with DH

33 replies

Easylion · 01/07/2024 08:05

This weekend things with DH came to a head after literally years of silent struggles with my sexuality. Really confused about what to do going forward now.

Backstory - I’ve never been wild about sex. I really dislike it actually. I’ve often wondered if I might be asexual, but I’m not sure. I’m attracted to men in that I can look at a man and think ‘He’s fit!’ in a way that I don’t feel about women, even if I can appreciate that a woman is beautiful. Does that make sense?
But I have zero desire to actually shag men! Or women, or anyone really. It’s never been something I’ve actively wanted to do, or particularly enjoyed. I don’t like the mess, I don’t like having someone that close to me, I don’t like the loss of control. I just don’t like it.

I have sexual urges, but they are for orgasm rather than penetration. Over the years I’ve learned that they’re very connected to my menstrual cycle, occur when I’m ovulating and never at any other time really. I see them as an annoyance rather than anything, and have always ‘dealt’ with them by masturbation. Once or twice over those few days is fine, and then back to normal. It’s quicker and more comfortable to do that than have sex, and I have no real desire for anyone else to be involved.

DH is my fourth sexual partner. All the men I’ve ever slept with have been kind and have attempted to make sex enjoyable for me, but I’ve never found it so. It’s not a confidence thing or bad lovers, it’s honestly that I don’t see the point or have any desire to do it.

DH and I have infrequent sex. Two or three times a year. I pretend to be up for it and have a good time, but I don’t really. I do it to satisfy him. Sort of ‘wifely duties’ if you like. But it can’t be much fun for him as even my best acting enthusiastic can’t be that convincing. I see and read things in the media about wild sex, lingerie, oral, various unlikely positions, toys etc and I just feel like it’s a foreign language. I’ve never wanted to do anything like that with anyone.

We shagged last night. It was so perfunctory and rubbish for us both. DH was obviously a bit upset afterwards but we couldn’t find the words, and it was late. It’s obviously not working, and I don’t know what to do. I want to please him but even if we had more sex I don’t think it would be better because it’s just not something I like to do. I sometimes wonder if he gets it elsewhere and how I’d feel if that was ever confirmed.

Is anyone else in a similar situation with their other half? I love him, have no desire to break up with him. But I know I disappoint him and I feel like I’m abnormal.

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 01/07/2024 08:26

It sounds like you're asexual, yes, or at least like "asexual" might be a description you find useful.

You need to talk to your H, and you need to face the fact that this probably means the end of your marriage. An important part - for your H - of your marriage is fundamentally a lie and always has been. It's not fair or workable for either of you to subject yourself to rare sex that you hate and for him to know that you hate it or to go without altogether. Unless you think you can genuinely both live with an arrangement where he gets sex elsewhere - and in that case, there will be a significant risk that he will fall in love with a regular partner and you're looking at the end of your marriage anyway.

Shoxfordian · 01/07/2024 08:28

It sounds like you need to really think about yourself and have some therapy but if you don't ever and won't ever want to have regular sex then it's not fair to stay married when you can't give him a full intimate relationship

Newbutoldfather · 01/07/2024 08:33

The background to this is really important.

How long have you been married and how was sex when you first started having it and straight after marriage? Unless you are religious or had an arranged marriage, how can this be a surprise for either of you?

Also do you feel romantically excited by your husband or is he just a friend who you happen to live with, in your eyes?

You both need to discuss what you honestly want and don’t want going forwards, and make a decision based on that?

Ozanj · 01/07/2024 08:36

Asexuality is one of those funny ones, like bisexuality, that are only really accurate describers if you’ve been given the time and space and freedom to explore your sexuality fully. Eg many men in countries where homosexuality is illegal gay men will often id as bisexual or asexual. And many women with rubbish partners feel they’re asexual when it might be they just aren’t attracted to the men they opt for.

You probably need therapy to talk through things before deciding on anything

Ocymoroniclife · 01/07/2024 08:47

You don't need to wonder about whether or not you fit a label.

You already know you don't desire or enjoy sex.

You need to be honest with your H. Be prepared to end it if he wants to. And you need to be honest with future partners that you don't want a sexual relationship.

LakeTiticaca · 01/07/2024 08:56

I thought asexual meant no sexual desire whatsoever? OP has sexual desire to masturbate., therefore can't be asexual, correct me if I'm wrong

Original poster
Easylion · 01/07/2024 08:59

LakeTiticaca · 01/07/2024 08:56

I thought asexual meant no sexual desire whatsoever? OP has sexual desire to masturbate., therefore can't be asexual, correct me if I'm wrong

I have sexual urges but no desire for partnered sex. It’s a physical urge, like hunger or needing to go to the loo!

OP posts:
Original poster
Easylion · 01/07/2024 09:02

Newbutoldfather · 01/07/2024 08:33

The background to this is really important.

How long have you been married and how was sex when you first started having it and straight after marriage? Unless you are religious or had an arranged marriage, how can this be a surprise for either of you?

Also do you feel romantically excited by your husband or is he just a friend who you happen to live with, in your eyes?

You both need to discuss what you honestly want and don’t want going forwards, and make a decision based on that?

We’ve been married for 14 years. Together four before that. Not religious or arranged.

when we got together it was long distance so there was never a time when everything was new and we could have sex all the time. We had sex when we saw each other but that was infrequent.

I love him. We get along great. He’s my favourite person. But questions like ‘Is he your romantic partner or just your best friend’ have always confused me because really he’s both. Or rather I can’t imagine wanting to spend a life or be with someone who wasn’t my friend.

OP posts:
LakeTiticaca · 01/07/2024 09:02

Easylion · 01/07/2024 08:59

I have sexual urges but no desire for partnered sex. It’s a physical urge, like hunger or needing to go to the loo!

Show quote history

Ah OK thanks for enlightening me xx

DreadPirateRobots · 01/07/2024 09:06

LakeTiticaca · 01/07/2024 08:56

I thought asexual meant no sexual desire whatsoever? OP has sexual desire to masturbate., therefore can't be asexual, correct me if I'm wrong

Many asexual people masturbate, but tend to view it as OP does, a basic physical drive like being hungry which they simply deal with, rather than something they ever want to do as a partnered thing. Asexuality generally relates to your (lack of) desire to have partnered sex.

cupcaske123 · 01/07/2024 09:14

I'm not sure if it really matters, although you do sound asexual. What matters is how your husband feels about it and how your relationship is going forward. I wouldn't keep doing something that I didn't enjoy or found distasteful. I would be open and honest and look for intimacy in different ways. You obviously love him and want to stay with him and you deserve every happiness. Hopefully you can work something out.

TuesdayWhistler · 01/07/2024 09:23

Asexuality comes in many forms and degrees I think.

I can see a naked man or woman, I can watch films with the best looking people in the world in, it doesn't even cross my mind that I'd want to sleep with them or be aroused etc. I fast forward sex scenes, they bore me.

Sex doesn't really drive me at all, I do not like it or the idea of it or the fantasy of it.
For a lot of people they can't understand that.
Growing up, sex and drinking were like "the goal" for a lot of my friends, i didn't get it, I'd rather stay home with a nice cuppa and biscuit.

One way I've describe myself to people:
If you're heterosexual, the opposite sex does it for you, but not the same sex.
If you're homosexual, the same sex does it for you, but not the opposite sex.
If you're Asexual, neither sex does it for.

How Heterosexuals feel about same sex or how homosexuals feel about the opposite sex is how i feel about both sexes.

People will say that Asexuality is caused by trauma or by medications or by other factors like depression or SPD etc. probably true, but I think that other times asexuality is just natural in some people.

If I had any advice OP, you need space to really sort through how you feel. If you can get therapy, it might be an idea.
If not then some deep reflections and questions are needed.

Think back to teen years, were your friends sex mad and you didn't quite understand all the fuss?

If you try to fantasize about sex, does it just not do anything for you no matter who the fantasy is about?

If you walked into a room and Idris Elba and Keanu Reeves were ready and willing to pleasure you, would you rather ring room service for a plate of digestives and a pot of tea and talk to them about their films? 🤪 (Ok that's a bit silly but that's how I'd react.. *put your shirt on Idris and talk to me about Luther... Keanu, have you ever thought about acting lessons?")

Bobbotgegrinch · 01/07/2024 09:28

You need to tell him exactly how you feel OP. This isn't fair on either of you, but especially him.

I can't imagine finding out that I've been effectively sexually assaulting my wife for the last 14 years because she couldn't be honest with me about her lack of sexual desire.

This may be a relationship ender, but it should never have gotten to this stage. You should have been honest with him from the beginning.

Original poster
Easylion · 01/07/2024 09:32

TuesdayWhistler · 01/07/2024 09:23

Asexuality comes in many forms and degrees I think.

I can see a naked man or woman, I can watch films with the best looking people in the world in, it doesn't even cross my mind that I'd want to sleep with them or be aroused etc. I fast forward sex scenes, they bore me.

Sex doesn't really drive me at all, I do not like it or the idea of it or the fantasy of it.
For a lot of people they can't understand that.
Growing up, sex and drinking were like "the goal" for a lot of my friends, i didn't get it, I'd rather stay home with a nice cuppa and biscuit.

One way I've describe myself to people:
If you're heterosexual, the opposite sex does it for you, but not the same sex.
If you're homosexual, the same sex does it for you, but not the opposite sex.
If you're Asexual, neither sex does it for.

How Heterosexuals feel about same sex or how homosexuals feel about the opposite sex is how i feel about both sexes.

People will say that Asexuality is caused by trauma or by medications or by other factors like depression or SPD etc. probably true, but I think that other times asexuality is just natural in some people.

If I had any advice OP, you need space to really sort through how you feel. If you can get therapy, it might be an idea.
If not then some deep reflections and questions are needed.

Think back to teen years, were your friends sex mad and you didn't quite understand all the fuss?

If you try to fantasize about sex, does it just not do anything for you no matter who the fantasy is about?

If you walked into a room and Idris Elba and Keanu Reeves were ready and willing to pleasure you, would you rather ring room service for a plate of digestives and a pot of tea and talk to them about their films? 🤪 (Ok that's a bit silly but that's how I'd react.. *put your shirt on Idris and talk to me about Luther... Keanu, have you ever thought about acting lessons?")

The question about Idris Elba (or my equivalent) is interesting to me. I can appreciate an attractive man. But that’s exactly it - I’d want to talk to them! I wouldn’t want them sweatily grunting away on top of me! And yeah, I’d prefer a physically attractive man to pleasure me over anything else if that was the only available choice. But I’d rather nobody did!

OP posts:
ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 01/07/2024 09:33

Ozanj · 01/07/2024 08:36

Asexuality is one of those funny ones, like bisexuality, that are only really accurate describers if you’ve been given the time and space and freedom to explore your sexuality fully. Eg many men in countries where homosexuality is illegal gay men will often id as bisexual or asexual. And many women with rubbish partners feel they’re asexual when it might be they just aren’t attracted to the men they opt for.

You probably need therapy to talk through things before deciding on anything

How can you explore your sexuality if you’re not interested tho?

bonzaitree · 01/07/2024 09:36

How would you feel about opening up your marriage to let your OH have satisfying sex and leave you be?

I’m sure you are painfully aware of this but marriages like this are breeding grounds for affairs and divorce.

Id urge you to speak to your partner openly about what’s going on for you- whether that’s in couples therapy or just the two of you.

UltraLineHolder · 01/07/2024 09:37

Personally I think most of us going through the menopause could label themselves as "asexual". It isn't a sexuality, it is just a lack of wanting to have sex.
All these labels and flags, it does my head in.

Seaoftroubles · 01/07/2024 09:45

OP, l would think you are asexual, but the problem will be how to resolve things.Even though you love your husband you need to open up to him and have an honest chat so you can both decide where you go from here.

willowtolive · 01/07/2024 09:50

Not sure you need to label yourself, you just feel the way you feel. Honest conversation with DH is the only way forward

honeylulu · 01/07/2024 09:52

But questions like ‘Is he your romantic partner or just your best friend’ have always confused me because really he’s both. Or rather I can’t imagine wanting to spend a life or be with someone who wasn’t my friend.

This is the bit that stood out to me. He's your best friend and you love his company and spending your life with him. That does not exclude him also being your romantic partner and indeed you say he is "both". But what does him being your romantic partner actually mean for you? You aren't interested in sex but do you like to hug and kiss him (in a way you wouldn't otherwise kiss a best friend)? Or is it that you put up with occasional physical affection (and sex) as a compromise to ensure he remains your exclusive "best friend"?

There was a similar thread a few years ago. I'll try and find it. The OP was single and didn't want sex or any physical affection but wanted a life partner to live with. I asked how that was different to just sharing a house with a good friend and she explained that the status of "partner" would mean an expectation that neither partner would have any other romantic attachments outside the relationship.

That kind of made sense and I hoped she would find someone like minded to achieve that.

I do think it's very unfair to your husband to go through the motions of sex you hate just to preserve the status of the relationship. I do think you should be honest with him, either directly or with the help of a relationship counsellor. You can then both make informed choices going forward, with love and respect for each other, even if ultimately the marriage ends.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 01/07/2024 10:05

How would you feel if you found your husband was getting it elsewhere or another woman was interested in him? Is there still the same level of jealousy?

Hello98765 · 01/07/2024 10:22

Does he know all this? Have you shared the details in your original post with him - is he aware or unaware?

Original poster
Easylion · 01/07/2024 11:34

Hello98765 · 01/07/2024 10:22

Does he know all this? Have you shared the details in your original post with him - is he aware or unaware?

He doesn’t know the facts as I put in the original post. Having a conversation like that would be difficult, I think. Plus also, I feel slightly embarrassed about being ‘abnormal’ in this regard. There’s privacy to admit things secretly on here. My masturbation, for instance, is extremely private. I wouldn’t want to discuss that with him or anyone IRL. It’s embarrassing and would prompt difficult questions.

We have managed like this forever. Last night was difficult but I wonder if it will just be The Great Unmentioned thing. 99.9% of the time things are great, so when people talk about the marriage ending I just think it would be a tragic waste over something I find unimportant. Like ending the marriage over him liking scrambled eggs and me preferring boiled or something!

I do think about what would happen if he had sex elsewhere. I think the key thing is me never finding out! But it’s impossible to tell isn’t it?

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 01/07/2024 11:40

I find Mumsnet tend to suggest that everything in life is incredibly black and white.

Asexuality is a spectrum and like many things in life no two people whe are asexual are exactly the same. You can be asexual and masturbate, you can be romantic asexual and want a romantic connection but not sex. Both are perfectly normal within the context.

I think before you go and talk to DH you need to explore yourself a bit more, read things online written any other people that may resonate with you. Figure out exactly what you want in the future and then speak to your DH. There's no point going in suddenly telling him you're asexual if you don't know what that means for either of you, you just carry on as you are? He feels bad about the few times a year you do have sex? Or that stops altogether? Decide what you need and then ask him what he needs.

If the two don't line up then you could look at unconventional relationships eg open marriage. Or you could split so he can find somebody who wants to enjoy sex with him. He may not mind how things are at all. It's impossible to say until you ask him, but making sure you know what you want first is a good idea. Keep in mind that wanting to stay married with no or very little sex between you is quite cruel, as you have effectively chosen that he has to be asexual as well. It can also be very damaging to feel unwanted by your partner.

Anotherparkingthread · 01/07/2024 11:45

Easylion · 01/07/2024 11:34

He doesn’t know the facts as I put in the original post. Having a conversation like that would be difficult, I think. Plus also, I feel slightly embarrassed about being ‘abnormal’ in this regard. There’s privacy to admit things secretly on here. My masturbation, for instance, is extremely private. I wouldn’t want to discuss that with him or anyone IRL. It’s embarrassing and would prompt difficult questions.

We have managed like this forever. Last night was difficult but I wonder if it will just be The Great Unmentioned thing. 99.9% of the time things are great, so when people talk about the marriage ending I just think it would be a tragic waste over something I find unimportant. Like ending the marriage over him liking scrambled eggs and me preferring boiled or something!

I do think about what would happen if he had sex elsewhere. I think the key thing is me never finding out! But it’s impossible to tell isn’t it?

Show quote history

See this is quite selfish. To you it's as important as scrambled eggs but for most people sex is incredibly powerful, enjoyable and important. You don't get to decide how important it is for your husband, only he can decide that for himself. Which he has the right to do. He entered into the relationship with you without knowing the full picture, and didn't consent to be celibate. I know that would suit you quite well but it could be a big enough reason for him to leave, only he can decide though. I would personally leave a partner who had no interest in me sexually, but I would have left much sooner as 3 times a year would be too dead for me.