This weekend things with DH came to a head after literally years of silent struggles with my sexuality. Really confused about what to do going forward now.
Backstory - I’ve never been wild about sex. I really dislike it actually. I’ve often wondered if I might be asexual, but I’m not sure. I’m attracted to men in that I can look at a man and think ‘He’s fit!’ in a way that I don’t feel about women, even if I can appreciate that a woman is beautiful. Does that make sense?
But I have zero desire to actually shag men! Or women, or anyone really. It’s never been something I’ve actively wanted to do, or particularly enjoyed. I don’t like the mess, I don’t like having someone that close to me, I don’t like the loss of control. I just don’t like it.
I have sexual urges, but they are for orgasm rather than penetration. Over the years I’ve learned that they’re very connected to my menstrual cycle, occur when I’m ovulating and never at any other time really. I see them as an annoyance rather than anything, and have always ‘dealt’ with them by masturbation. Once or twice over those few days is fine, and then back to normal. It’s quicker and more comfortable to do that than have sex, and I have no real desire for anyone else to be involved.
DH is my fourth sexual partner. All the men I’ve ever slept with have been kind and have attempted to make sex enjoyable for me, but I’ve never found it so. It’s not a confidence thing or bad lovers, it’s honestly that I don’t see the point or have any desire to do it.
DH and I have infrequent sex. Two or three times a year. I pretend to be up for it and have a good time, but I don’t really. I do it to satisfy him. Sort of ‘wifely duties’ if you like. But it can’t be much fun for him as even my best acting enthusiastic can’t be that convincing. I see and read things in the media about wild sex, lingerie, oral, various unlikely positions, toys etc and I just feel like it’s a foreign language. I’ve never wanted to do anything like that with anyone.
We shagged last night. It was so perfunctory and rubbish for us both. DH was obviously a bit upset afterwards but we couldn’t find the words, and it was late. It’s obviously not working, and I don’t know what to do. I want to please him but even if we had more sex I don’t think it would be better because it’s just not something I like to do. I sometimes wonder if he gets it elsewhere and how I’d feel if that was ever confirmed.
Is anyone else in a similar situation with their other half? I love him, have no desire to break up with him. But I know I disappoint him and I feel like I’m abnormal.