Relationship with my mum

[Mini45]

I would really like your advice on how to navigate the relationship with my mum and if I am overreacting on her behaviour please?

She has always been controlling and in my view favoured my DB.
DB wife wasn't a nice person and in 2003 after lots of issues she gave my brother an ultimatum of her or us.
DB cut contact for 10years only getting back in touch when his wife left him.

So for 10years I was responsible for every Christmas, Easter, birthdays etc. I didn't mind this as my DM was very active in my childrens lives and we became quite close.
We did disagree on a number of things, she is very racist and has strong opinions. Bearing in mind my DH is mixed race this was difficult but she managed to bite her tongue.

When DB got back in touch he had gone through a breakdown and we helped him enormously to get back on his feet.
He has now remarried and lives in another country. I could really go on about the situation but want to get to the point.

I was a SAHM for many years but started a job in a company which I was helping to set up.
DM would phone me constantly and if I didn't answer would phone my DC to ask what I was up to?
I asked her not to do this as I found it annoying and she sent me a horrible message saying she was "finished with me" and stopped contact for a few weeks.
This would be a repeated pattern whenever I upset her and she would normally message with "what have I done?" I would phone her she would be in tears and we would get back to "normal"

I really could go on but worried this thread is too long already!

My DF became very ill and I had to beg my DB to return for a few days to help out. Everything was being left to me and mentally I couldn't cope because I am very close to DF.
DB did return and thankfully my DF got better, but for various reasons my DM said I hadn't supported her enough and DB was a hero.

I then had a breakdown myself, lots of reasons for this but I think faced with the possibility of losing DF tipped me.

I stayed at my parents for a few weeks because my DH wasn't really supporting me. She would constantly shout and scream at me that this was all DH fault and how he was responsible for my mental health.

There were lots of reasons for my breakdown, some things that I didn't want to tell her but she seemed to blame everything on DH. DB was called and asked to return back as she "couldn't cope"

He forced the issue to get me professional help and stayed a week or so.

DB and DM fell out with DH and are NC with him.
She constantly phones me, moaning and again if I don't answer will phone the children.

If I ask her to back off I get the tears and no contact for a few days which to be honest is a relief.
When I did stand up to her she blamed my therapist and said "this is going to go the way it did with your brother"

I really don't want to go NC but I'm so tired of this and I feel like my life isn't my own. My DB and DM will pick over everything together and repeat the same things to me constantly.

It has now been a week of NC from her because I cancelled a visit because I was feeling ill. I had been awake all night and couldn't face the drive. I've been starting to get panic attacks again and just don't know how to deal with all this.

Sorry for the long post, any advice would be appreciated.

Apart from giving birth to you, what does she bring to you or your children's lives?

How is your father in all this?

My father is a lot older than her and has started to show signs of dementia.

He has always kind of stayed out of it.

I was never that close to my mum when I was younger. Now she wants me to go on days out and shopping trips.

I wouldn't go NC with ger and I love my DF dearly.
She will not say a bad word about my DB but they constantly discuss my life and what I should be doing with it.

I think you will simply have to take several steps away from her and be more independent/less entwined. Don’t share everything with her and just be more emotionally distant or this cycle will continue.

It sounds stressful just reading it. I couldn’t cope with a parent like that.

Your brother has always been the favoured golden child with you being the family scapegoat.

Her controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour.

Why would you not go no contact with your mother?. This is what she is like and contact with her will ensure more of the same for you. She had not fundamentally altered in all these t
years. The only people who bother with people like her are those who have received the Special Training ie the now adult children of same. Honestly she is not worth bothering with or about. Your dad has stayed out of this and has ultimately chosen self preservation and a quiet life rather than help his children. He has failed to protect you from the excesses of your mother’s behaviour.

Thank you @PussInBin20 it really is.

She will phone me at least twice a day. I do feel sorry for her. It's hard with my dad but I really feel stressed about it.

I offered to look after DF so she can visit my DB but she refused saying she wants to go with me as "I'm good with her" whatever that means??
But if I do anything to annoy her she cuts me off.

She worked when I was younger and I had to come home from school and do all the housework whilst my DB did nothing.

Even though he cut her off he is very much the Golden Child.

The golden child and scapegoat roles in narcissistic family structures are interchangeable with you being favoured at one stage when he was ousted, now he is the golden child once again (until he displeases her).

Block her incessant phone calls, she’s doing that to control you. Again your mother is not worth bothering with. Would you tolerate this sort of behaviour from a friend, no you would not and your mother is no different.

Drop the rope your mother holds out to you.

Sending a virtual hug.

I hope you can just step back for a bit and go NC for a while until you feel a bit emotionally stronger.

Doesn’t have to be forever. Just give yourself a break.

Block her number on the children’s phones and on yours too or simply don’t answer and keep your phone on silent. Just check it now and again for other stuff but don’t respond/return her calls.

Her behaviour sounds insufferable so take control and give yourself some power over all this. Don’t discuss your life with your Mum or your bro when you do finally touch base with them again. Let the relationship be on your terms.

Thank you@PashaMinaMio

It's difficult with the Children as they are both young adults now.
She checks up with them because she "worries".

I really couldn't go NC but she just doesn't respect my boundaries.

She had a very abusive alcoholic father. She hates anyone drinking. My DB was a BIG drinker when he was younger and got into all kinds of trouble.
He doesn't drink now as his new partner (who is lovely) doesn't drink. I like a drink, not to excess in fact before my breakdown I didn't drink for 5months. So they both bond now over my so called " alcoholism."

I don't drink much as I know it isn't good for my mental health but I feel like this is just another way they can both have a dig at me.

Honestly, this is not me playing my drinking down. When I was in a psychiatric hospital I had crossed words with her. She accidentally sent a message to me meant for my brother. She put "do you think she's been drinking?"

.

Another thing that I find really odd is she follows everyone I follow on Instagram.

She mentioned something someone had posted and when I asked her where she saw it she said you follow them.
When I checked she had literally followed every non private account that I follow.
Is this weird??

Yes it is. How is she able to do this?. I would raise your privacy settings on IG urgently.

A person who does not respect your boundaries is someone you should not be in contact with. She is also using your kids to get back you because she “worries”.

I'm not sure how to do that? She follows me so can see who I follow.

You need therapy and to go nc.
it’s not getting better. She is actively kicking you while you are down. Get out .

You can change it via the settings button on it.

I'm still having therapy. She thinks my mum is controlling. The guilt of going NC would kill me .

You need to construct boundaries OP!
Keep her at arms length, stop sharing things with her, give her a false (& boring) version of your life if you dont feel able to just not tell her things.
When she phones let her leave a message and reply the next day via text message or e-mail

I've really tried, but she puts on the poor me.

It's good to know that I'm not being a bad daughter though.!Thank you

but she puts on the poor me
can you "sorry to hear that mum, hope things improve for you" then change subject &/or shut things down?

You're NOT a bad daughter.
She is used to being able to dominate you and reacts when her control is slipping, she's may be acting on impulse rather than having a strategy. She likely cant help how she is, or rather doesnt have much insight or self awareness/is somewhat childlike. I'm not saying that to defend her btw

I agree, I skim read it because the toxicity and stress was overwhelming. It’s oozing from every situation.

You need to set boundaries for the sake of your own fragile mental health. The boundaries are for YOU not your DM, DF or DB. If they don’t respect your boundaries you need to step away for a period.

What these boundaries are and how they are implemented need to be done with guidance from a mental health support professional. This is too difficult to manage on your own.

And I know you love your DF, but he’s very absent here & you need to put your own needs and health first. It will be painful but it will be ultimately freeing if you can do this for yourself.
Peace of mind is everything.

I don't think she can help it and probably doesn't realise how she hurts me.

I had an abortion years ago, I was awake, it was horrible.
When I told her how much it hurt she just said "you want to try having one".

When I got with my mixed race husband she called me all the slags, whore and that I was marrying a P**i . Although obviously my children are mixed race she forgets that and they are her world

Thank you @Toffeelover

ive been feeling that I'm overreacting but you have made me realise I'm not

She sounds extremely self absorbed, a person who acts/speaks according to her impulses with little to no ability to be objective about herself (I am reminded of my own mother).
I doubt she has it in her to be any different, she cannot be the parent that you need & deserve.
I'm so sorry to hear about the abortion @Mini45 , I hope there were others around you who were able to be kind & supportive.
Mine died last year, I hadnt seen her for over 20 years, no regrets, but she couldnt help who she was, I just couldnt deal with her any more.

I really don't know what to do?

Still not had contact but she has been speaking to DC.
This has resulted in them asking me "are you still not speaking to nanny?"

I explained that it wasn't one sided, I told my DS that she has been driving me crazy phoning 3-4 times daily to which he replied "but she's lonely."

I hate involving the DC but I asked my DD if she questions them about me drinking. She said that she does, especially when I've told her I'm not feeling well.

It seems she has now twisted this narrative to them that I am to blame?
The next thing will be that I don't care about DF because I haven't phoned and checked that he is ok.

I really don't know how to address this because my DC seem to believe I'm the one at fault?

Bump