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Original poster

Upset at lack of 40th Birthday Effort.

35 replies

JRM17 · 30/06/2024 10:26

WARNING LONG POST. Please tell me if I'm just being petty but I'm sitting here on my 40th stewing over my hubby's lack of effort. So a bit of background - DH is 17yrs older than me and has 3 DDs from prev marriage and for his 50th (7yrs ago) while I was 8.5m pregnant with our DS I paid to fly 2 of his DDs and his grandson (then 3) to visit us (they live at the very north of Britain and we were living at the very bottom) I then drove the 5hr round trip to the airport to collect them (and can I just say I was Huge when pregnant) I then snuck them into the house and returned to work (DH and I worked at the same place so it took ALOT of planning to "go missing" for 6hrs during the work day (normal day was 11-14hrs). Anyway for the past 3 yrs all I've said about my 40th is that I want a Staffy (I used to have one and I was devastated when he died) every time DH has mentioned my 40th I've said I just want a Staffy. I'm not having a party or any big celebration and I didn't even mean he had to pay ££££ for one I would have been extremely happy with a rescue (the last one was a rescue) anyway I've woken up today to a bottle of Perfume and a card. AIBU to be a bit miffed??

OP posts:
SixFifteens · 30/06/2024 10:33

Whilst perfume and a card is a bit of a boring gift, does he actually want a dog? A live animal isn’t something you can just expect if the other person in the house doesn’t want a pet. Also, with an 11-14 work day, it would be a terrible idea to have a dog who would be alone so much of the day, even if they had a dog walker coming in twice a day.

I’m sorry your birthday is such a let down though. Happy birthday, I hope friends and family make more of an effort.

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 30/06/2024 10:37

There may be posters coming along to tell you to be grateful etc, but I'm not sure how helpful that would be.

Perhaps he didn't expect to make the adoption decision alone - would be lovely to do this together, if he is up for adopting a dog?

Can you start a conversation about adopting a Staffie today? Does he want a dog? How did he react whenever you said, 'I just want a staffie'?

Arlanymor · 30/06/2024 10:39

Is today your birthday? Could there be other surprises coming later in the day? I wouldn’t write things off if you’re only a few hours into the day… after all you surprised him at the end of his working day on his birthday!

Wynnerz · 30/06/2024 10:40

Maybe the pup will.come.later in the day? It's still early

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 30/06/2024 10:41

Maybe he doesn’t want a dog. I don’t, and I certainly wouldn’t buy one for someone else. And if I did want a pup, I’d want to choose it.
Still a bit of a shit gift though, after all your effort for him, but at least you know what not to do for his next Birthday / Christmas.

CatMumSlave · 30/06/2024 10:43

It's my 40th next week. Last year dh got me two sets of bedding plants for £6 while st Asda and gave thrm to me the day before. I'm dreading it. Hopefully you may get something else if it's today? 😢😢

DaniMontyRae · 30/06/2024 10:44

Does he want a dog? Have you ever had a proper conversation with him about getting a dog e.g. costs, walking, holidays, vets, poop scooping? Because if not, then you of course you shouldn't be miffed. Dogs are not toys, they are living creatures that can be a 15 year commitment. He probably wouldn't have even known you were serious if you didn't actually discuss it.

a dog will also cost a hell of a lot more than flying 3 people the length of the UK and take up a lot more time than a 5 hour drive. So your gift to your dh and what you want for yourself is in no way comparable.

Tillybobbins · 30/06/2024 10:47

Happy 40th birthday, OP. 🎈🍰🎈
I don’t see how he can buy you a dog without your involvement and choice but hope your day goes well.

EBearhug · 30/06/2024 10:48

I split with a previous boyfriend because he couldn't be arsedto do something simple for my 40th (contact some friends to arrange a meet-up.) He isn't interested in celebrating his birthday. This was not his birthday. It made me realise my wishes would never come first, so I decided being with no one was better.

EBearhug · 30/06/2024 10:50

I can understand not buying a dog, but there's probably some happy medium between that and a bottle of perfume.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 30/06/2024 10:53

Well.......a dog is for life, not just for a birthday. I just don't agree with dogs as presents for Christmas or birthdays, sorry. And I certainly disagree with someone who isn't that into dogs organising looking for a breeder or rescue. As well as only one person in a household wanting one - all members have got to agree to want the dog, and care for it. Because anything could happen to you, and the other people in the household have to be up for doing all the care that you've probably promised them all you'd do on your own.

I like dogs but ours growing up had strict rules about where he could go. He wasn't allowed upstairs never mind in our beds. If you're the type of dog owner which insists on letting dogs sleep in with your bed with you, I wouldn't want to get one either.

He's also 57. With a young child, that presumably you wanted as you're much younger than him and he already had grownup kids. Maybe he's thinking that it's already enough responsibility for him, and he's looking forward to your child growing up a bit and life becoming a bit easier. Why then choose to be tied down with a dog and all its needs and wants too?

GlassofIce · 30/06/2024 10:54

DaniMontyRae · 30/06/2024 10:44

Does he want a dog? Have you ever had a proper conversation with him about getting a dog e.g. costs, walking, holidays, vets, poop scooping? Because if not, then you of course you shouldn't be miffed. Dogs are not toys, they are living creatures that can be a 15 year commitment. He probably wouldn't have even known you were serious if you didn't actually discuss it.

a dog will also cost a hell of a lot more than flying 3 people the length of the UK and take up a lot more time than a 5 hour drive. So your gift to your dh and what you want for yourself is in no way comparable.

Yes, I don’t think a dog is anything akin to an individual birthday present. Everyone living in the household will have their lives changed by a dog, and everyone should be ok with getting a new pet. And surely any responsible dog owner would want to be involved in the process of acquiring one, whether it’s a rescue or a pup?

This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be upset with a lack of effort, but I think it’s unfair to expect him to have acquired you a dog when he simply may not want one.

perfectcolourfound · 30/06/2024 11:00

Do you know if your DH wants a dog?

To be honest, if he doesn't, then he should have made that clear, so you both knew where you stood.

If he's allowed you to be believe you were getting a dog, then that's really unfair of him.

But if you'd both like a dog, surely it makes more sense to choose one together, rather than surprise you with a dog on the day? Perhaps that's what he has in mind.

If he doesn't want a dog, then he's being sensible not getting one for you - but he should have made that clear before now.

Finally, you went to great extremes for his 40th, which was lovely, but presumably you didn't do that so you'd get the same back?

mumto2teenagers · 30/06/2024 11:04

As others have said, a dog needs to be a joint decision. I assume that as you both work11-14 hours a day you will be taking the dog to work, or have other plans so it isn't left alone all day.

Having rescued a dog before, any good rescue would not allow your DH to adopt a dog without meeting you first. We got ours from Battersea, we had already been approved to adopt, when our dog became available, myself, DH and DD2 went to see her (DD1 was at work), we reserved her but took DD1 the next day to meet her. It really does need to be a decision the whole family make.

Having said that, I would be disappointed with a bottle of perfume, maybe DH is planning something for later. Could he be planning a visit to a dog rescue, assuming he is on board with getting a dog, or maybe another surprise.

Olidorjo · 30/06/2024 11:10

Happy Birthday. 🥳 Hopefully there will be a big surprise later for you . Are you sure he would want a dog? Agree a bottle of perfume is pretty average!!

Beautifulbythebay · 30/06/2024 11:11

Had he agreed previously?
My dh ruined my 40th with twatty mam child behaviour.. He was an exh before I was 41..
Browse rescues together and find one suitable.. Not sure him choosing one for you would have worked tbh..

Beautifulbythebay · 30/06/2024 11:11

Had he agreed previously?
My dh ruined my 40th with twatty mam child behaviour.. He was an exh before I was 41..
Browse rescues together and find one suitable.. Not sure him choosing one for you would have worked tbh..

Boxina · 30/06/2024 11:12

If my husband said he wanted a dog for a birthday, he wouldn't get it but I would immediately respond that he wouldn't be getting it because I don't want a dog and therefore we can't have a dog. I think it's a bit odd of you to expect to wake up and be presented with the dog, but it does also sound like he hasn't really made any effort at all. So I would be miffed because of that. But as you said you didn't want anything much. He has got you a nice gift so it's quite difficult to call this one.

StrawberryWater · 30/06/2024 11:13

I think something like a pet needs to be a joint decision and not something that one person desires for their birthday. Of course if he's previously agreed he's a twat.

PeonySeasons · 30/06/2024 11:17

A dog is not a gift.

A dog is a family decision.

NoraLuka · 30/06/2024 11:18

I put YABU because wouldn’t you want some input into the choice of dog? Maybe different if you were getting a puppy but if it was a slightly older rescue surely it would be best to meet it before it comes to live with you for 10+ years?

BeaRF75 · 30/06/2024 11:20

I agree that a dog is a huge joint commitment, and not just a "fun" birthday present. You're 40 not 14, but the tone of the OP does make me wonder.....

Bettyscakes · 30/06/2024 11:20

You can’t rescue a dog without home visits etc - it can’t be a surprise!

Flossflower · 30/06/2024 11:21

PeonySeasons · 30/06/2024 11:17

A dog is not a gift.

A dog is a family decision.

Very well put!

Beautifulbythebay · 30/06/2024 11:23

I got dh a ddog one Christmas.. Been discussing it for a full year in depth.

He cried! Pure joy!