Comical tinder date

[Likethesungoingdown]

Writing this after about three hours sleep, since knobhead ex-DH brings the kids home at the earliest possible second after their night with him.

So last night I had a Tinder date! Exciting. First shag in almost a year! But it was just a comical disaster from start to finish due to the absolute weirdo man. He seemed nice on the phone and normal on the texts. Got a bit flirty, we agreed to meet for a drink on the tacit understanding that shenanigans was almost certain to occur. He booked a nearby room.

The following three things will make me chuckle for many a year:

1. Not. A. Single. Pube.

What the fuck is that about? I don’t mean some kind of neck down alopecia. I mean that he had a hairy body except for a kind of crop circle weird thing going on near his dick! Why why why? I am by no means a hairy woman. I shaved the parts necessary for politeness, and made my bits look pretty. But him? Jesus. Clearly wanted me to doubt he’d gone through puberty.

2. As he was about to come, he said ‘orgasm… Orgasm!!! ORGASSSMMMM!!!’ This was new to me! And possibly new to science. And I was lying there thinking ‘Yep. That’ll be what you’re feeling. Any chance of giving me one too?’ No, was the answer. And no need to say it out loud mate. It’s the normal ending.

3. He stole my knickers! Afterwards, we were getting dressed and I couldn’t find them. It’s not like they’d been thrown out the window in a fit of passion. I searched for ages! Gave up, got dressed, and then he pulled them out of his pocket and was like ‘Surprise!’ as if it was a hilarious joke. What a knob!

Why are even seemingly normal men such absolute weirdos??

Oh god, that really made me laugh!!! I’m sorry I can’t be helpful (married for decades) but he does sound spectacularly weird. Not quite as weird as the bloke my friend met on Tinder who shouted “Mummy” when he came 🤮🤮🤮🤮

Omg! At least you have a good anecdote! 😂

I know this is supposed to be funny but I can't imagine being intimate with a weirdo I didn't know and didn't like.

Actual lol.

Thats hilarious @Likethesungoingdown and is very reminiscent of my tinder years a while back. My mates and I referred to online dating as “the cock carousel” 😂

And yeah, what’s with the crop circle pube situation these days? Seemingly all hetero men under the age of 45 have zero pubes. Especially hilarious when they are otherwise extremely hirsute.

It’s incredible what some people think is alluring. Back when I was dating, one of my tinder dates photoshopped a pic of me and him on his motorbike, to show me what our first date would look like 😂😂

Seemingly all hetero men under the age of 45 have zero pubes.

Really???? I've obviously been married far too long, I had no idea that was even a thing!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

sex & travel - the two best ways to really get to know someone. At least you can move on knowing you did your research into this one.

the pube thing is a generation/fashion thing these days. Some people are remarkably squeamish and/or vain about their hairy bits.

I never felt so grateful for being married!

@CowgirlGunburger yep! Zero pubes on younger men. After ending a 20year marriage and plunging into OLD it was a shock to me too. I had to get a single friend to explain it all to me.

Shouting orgasm is hilarious!!!
Has he messaged? Will you ghost?

Orgasssssmmmm!

Op please be careful, I watched a programme recently on iPlayer about online dating and the number of women that are raped/sexually assaulted by someone they meet up with online is frightening (and that doesn't count for all those that don't report)

This is hilarious, will you go back for a second portion and if so will you pinch his pants 🤣🤣

Hehe… I am laughing about it.

I’ve only shagged three men since splitting from ex-DH. The previous two had pubes and were under 45, so 🤷‍♀️. Each to their own but I just think the crop circle thing looked so weird! Having hairier rude bits than the man is not good for my confidence.

The ‘Orgassssmmmmm!’ thing is hilarious. Imagine if there was a running commentary throughout! If only I’d been more confident and quick witted I’d have said something.

Thanks for people’s safety concerns, but I think I’m alright. I always talk to the men beforehand, text over a lengthy period, do a bit of internet stalking, meet for a drink first and then go to a hotel rather than a private house (although, as I say, there haven’t been that many!).

I don’t think there’ll be a round two, no. I won’t ghost him, but if he contacts me he might find me suddenly very busy.

Why would anyone steal underwear for ten minutes as a joke like that? He could see I was completely confused as to where they were! He must’ve nicked them whilst I was in the loo. Massive weirdo.

They think it makes their dick look bigger.

That is the explanation a man gave me. They’ve been told this is a trick to make their dick look bigger.

They could do it in a heart shape...

That would be as funny as fuck. I've been separated a year after 18 years of being in a relationship/married and being a woman of a certain age the thought of dating again gives me the collywobbles but if I did and he had fancy shaped pubes that would be it for me. I couldn't go on cos I'd be laughing too much.

Yep, men do it to make their dick look bigger and can be because it looks bigger on webcam too, which they probably also do a lot of. You're going to get a higher proportion of weirdos with ONS I should think. The odd balls that can't hold down a relationship ( with odd balls because they are bald 😂).

I think Item 2 of the minutes of your meeting must be along the lines of an impending disaster in a car when a passenger shouts "Brake!!! BRAKKKEEEE!!!

Maybe I should’ve stopped and seen what happened! Ha!

I have decided that this is now the done thing when it comes to dating in 2024. So next time I’m with a man when the magic happens I am going to sing ‘Cliiiiiiiiiimax’ in the style of an opera soprano.

I reckon he actually wanted to take your knickers home with him but chickened out.

Yep. He thought you'd give up looking and he'd be able to take them home, which is really fucking creepy without asking you.

A couple of friends of mine could write a very funny book on their online dating disasters and funny encounters. There are a lot of weirdos out there!

Great story, thanks. You're my inspiration!
There's a bit of judgement here about one night stands.
I'd love to have some, but do feel nervous. I never thought of a hotel because I have the place to myself a couple of nights a week when my kids are with their dad.
I've been separated for 17 months. I had a short fling with someone last autumn that did me the world of good. It was great to get back in the saddle, so to speak. When we met I took a photo of his driver's licence and WhatsApped it to my friend (with his permission) so they'd have a suspect if I wound up dead.

He was a slow mover so I didn't get him back to mine until the 2nd date.
He had completely shaved his pubes too. It was like a shiny plastic toy. He also shaved his back. Nice guy, but super anxious, especially about his body (which was ridiculously cut), mad into fitness, (what he perceived as) clean eating etc. We were far too different, so it kind of petered out.

I'm nowhere near ready for a serious relationship but would love some semi regular sex.

Ah op please go back for more, just to give us another laugh on here. I want another story. Fucking hilarious 😂.