How do I ask my partner is he bi/gay.

[Jewels1973]

Advice needed. Ive been in a relationship with my partner for 8 years. I looked at his phone and saw an email from an ad he had placed on a site "looking for a male c**k to pay with possibly go further" I am shocked and total devastated as I had no idea. I know I need to ask him but how do I go about it. I know he'll deny that he is bi or gay and say he posted it as a joke with his friends, but I know he was on his own with no friends with him that day. He'll just make a massive argument about why I looked at his phone. Do I ask him and keep pushing till he tells me that truth or do I ask him and wait to he accepts his sexuaility. I gave up a lot to be with him and think now he just saw me as a cover. Our sex live is non existent as he claims to have a bad back which he does, but he hasnt touched me in years and now I realise why. I cant sleep or eat at the thought of this conversation. It is absolutely killing me emotionally. Please help

I would just be honest and say you read the email. Give him the opportunity to explain (if he wants to) but you should end things. The fact is he wants to cheat on you would be enough to end things, regardless of whether he is gay or bi. Also get yourself checked out as this may not be his first time meeting up with random people for sex. He's been deceitful and sneaky x

Absolutely it's time to walk away

Just walk away.

Suggest you take time to get to get past the shock and just accept he is unfaithful and also sounds like he may be gay. Then make a plan to break it off, and leave following your plan. Don’t stay, you deserve an honest partner and a fun
sex life.

walk away or confront. It’s a sexless relationship and you don’t trust him anyway, so what have you got to loose?

This doesn't make it ok though. Cheating is cheating

Thank you for your replies. The fact that he even posted anything like he did looking a man or even a women is devastating to me. I should be enough for him. I would never disrespect him or do anything to upset him but he seems to go out of his way to push me away. I know I have to have this conversation with him I'll just building up the courage.

Well to be honest wether he is bi/ gay/ questioning is neither here nor there as he is cheating or attempting to cheat on you.

I would directly confront at this stage, the fact that you looked at his phone pales in comparison to what he has been up to. But yes you are probably right that he will lie and deflect.

I don't think you do need to have this conversation, really, if you are scared of his reaction.

I think you can just say you're unhappy, you've grown apart, you desire more physical affection than he can or will provide, and you want to leave.

I'm so sorry OP. An awful awful shock to discover your partner is trying to cheat on you.

I know he'll deny that he is bi or gay and say he posted it as a joke with his friends, but I know he was on his own with no friends with him that day. He'll just make a massive argument about why I looked at his phone. Do I ask him and keep pushing till he tells me that truth or do I ask him and wait to he accepts his sexuaility.

Don't even entertain any attempt to say he posted it as a joke, no one posts that stuff as a joke EVER. He'll deny he's gay or bi but straight men don't go looking for cocks to play with.

Why do you need to ask him and for him to admit it rather than just accepting it yourself?

If he says no he's not gay or bi or that it was just a joke then what are you going to do?
If he admitted it then what are you going to do?

I should be enough for him.
A woman is never 'enough' for a gay man. Enough is probably the wrong word though.

Even if he does deny it, it's high time you separated, as you probably should of done years ago when he stopped showing any affection. You really accepted a bad back as a reason? Now you know the truth of it, you don't need him to confirm it.

Get yourself tested for STDs sharpish and finish things. If he hasn't cheated yet, he will, the ad is proof of that.

What did you give up to be with him out of interest?

Could you bring up a friend or similar who has come out recently and gauge his reaction?

The issue isnt if he is gay or bi

The issue is, he is not happy, sexually atleast and has put an add for sexual activity on the internet

Walk away and get a full STI test

Yes it is. Straight men who cheat may have intended to be faithful but lapsed.. A gay man never intended any sort of committment to his wife in the first place.He just uses her as cover.

Still doesnt make a difference

She needs to leave and get a full STI check

Oh op I'm so sorry this is awful for you.

I would not say anything right now but take time to process everything and make a plan to move on.

You must feel so hurt and angry.

How tied in are you?
Mortgage? Kids?

There’s nothing he can say that will make this better.
I'm sorry. It’s time to break up with him.

It does make a difference.
When women post about this kind of issue they always want to know if it means he's bisexual or gay, and they're always told it doesn't matter. But it matters to them.

When people are betrayed most don't just walk away instantly, they want to find out as much details as possible about the betrayal first.

Tell him to leave and go and get yourself checked out straight away, get rid of him today he's an absolute cunt putting your health at risk, just so he can keep his life a secret, if he'd told you before and you wanted to be with him that's up to you, but to do it behind your back is disgusting

Oh dear, this is not pleasant for you is it?

I think we need much more information about this bad back.

Are you saying that you've had sex for many years and then recently he said he's got a bad back, so bad, in fact, that he is unable to engage in any sexual activity whatsoever , for example he can't use his tongue or his hands?

Or are you saying that when you first met he said "sorry mate sex is not on the agenda because I've got a bad back," and you just accepted it and went into the relationship believing that having a bad back meant that he also had no use of his tongue or his hands?

Well it’s not really an intention to be faithful or a lapse if you write an ad for ‘looking for a vagina to play with’ is it?

I agree with another poster that it matters to the OP as she’s been with him for years.

OP I’m sorry but I would get your ducks in a row, confront and then leave.

But it doesnt make any difference

He posted on a sex site
That doesnt matter if its a gay site or a straight site
He wants to do sexual things with other people and not her