Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's a porn one

32 replies

toolittletimeagain · 29/06/2024 19:43

I feel a bit shocked about this, maybe I'm a prude but bf and I were in the living room, my phone was charging in the bedroom and I was using his phone to Google presents to buy my friend for her bday. I went onto the Google browser and the search history came up - 'woman anal sex', 'milf big tits', 'Nina Hartley' (porn star).

We don't have anal sex and he has never expressed a desire to. When we do have sex he always talks about my 'big tits' but I'm actually a B cup and now I think when we do have sex he is just imagining the porn he has watched rather than being present with me. Obvs I asked him about all of this and he says he doesn't want to do anal and he was just 'intrigued' about how it works (?) and that he does think my boobs are big. I think he is bullshitting.

What's really weird is that he also googled 'help I'm fucking my brother in law' - he said this was a 'dear Deirdre' thing and he couldn't be believe it was true so he googled it. AIBU to think he's lying? I feel like I don't really want to have sex with him again now.

OP posts:
Original poster
toolittletimeagain · 29/06/2024 19:45

Oh and I googled Nina Hartley and she does anal...

OP posts:
Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 19:48

It wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who watched porn anyway. So it would disgust me and he would disgust me.

blackpooolrock · 29/06/2024 19:53

Do you have a brother in law?

I think there’s a lot of people watch porn. I think there’s also a lot of people fantasise about someone else when having sex.

maybe he’s trying to boost your ego by saying you have big tits, do you feel insecure about them?

if you have a BiL could he be having a relationship with him?

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2024 19:55

blackpooolrock · 29/06/2024 19:53

Do you have a brother in law?

I think there’s a lot of people watch porn. I think there’s also a lot of people fantasise about someone else when having sex.

maybe he’s trying to boost your ego by saying you have big tits, do you feel insecure about them?

if you have a BiL could he be having a relationship with him?

Nothing more confidence boosting than being lied to 🙄

Tiredofthis888 · 29/06/2024 19:56

I haven’t had sex with my DH since I found his obsession with porn TikTok accounts. It’s completely given me “the ick”

Original poster
toolittletimeagain · 29/06/2024 20:01

So I googled the brother in law thing and it turns out it is a Reddit/quota thing but I'm struggling to get past the rest of the stuff. If I don't have sex with him it will drive him further to porn but I feel really uncomfortable about it all. I'm not insecure about my boobs so there would be no reason for him to try to say they were big to make me feel better.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 29/06/2024 20:04

He watches porn. If he tells you he’ll stop he’s lying to you. You either have to accept he does this or leave him. Because if he promises he won’t you’ll only be constantly wanting to check his phone and wondering if he has or not.

ForKeenLimeOtter · 29/06/2024 20:05

Porn has got a lot to answer for but it would be naive to think that people you know aren't watching it. It's the most watched thing on the internet and surveys tend to show around 90% of men watch porn regularly and 60% of women. I think the footnote to this was it was people aged between 20 and 60 but I'm sure there are multiple polls with slightly differing results - but basically, an awful lot of people watch it.

Perfect28 · 29/06/2024 20:07

Watching porn is normal. It's fine to watch and it's also fine not to. It's also fine for someone to watch or fantasize about something they don't necessarily want to actually do.

Deargodletitgo · 29/06/2024 20:07

For those posters who have decided to no longer have sex with your partners due to porn....I'm confused as to what you think the next stage in the relationship will be? Surely ending it?

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 20:08

toolittletimeagain · 29/06/2024 20:01

So I googled the brother in law thing and it turns out it is a Reddit/quota thing but I'm struggling to get past the rest of the stuff. If I don't have sex with him it will drive him further to porn but I feel really uncomfortable about it all. I'm not insecure about my boobs so there would be no reason for him to try to say they were big to make me feel better.

If you don't want to have sex with him then don't have sex with him. You shouldn't make yourself have sex with him just so he doesn't watch more porn.

If him watching porn upsets you, and it clearly does, then surely you should be explaining how you feel to him. You can't MAKE him stop watching porn but you can ASK him not to. If he knows it upsets you but still goes ahead and watches it then you need to decide if you think the relationship is worth keeping.

sprigatito · 29/06/2024 20:08

Lots of women on MN have no problem with porn and are happy for their partners to use it. Some of them will call you uptight for objecting to it, and jeer at the idea that there are men who dislike it (of course there are).

Only you know whether porn is a dealbreaker for you - it certainly is for me, because it's about basic values, the centrality of consent and plain old misogyny and objectification. The deceit and general sleaziness would only compound it for me, since I'd be out anyway - but the important thing is, how do you feel? You are allowed to have moral standards that differ from his, and to organise your life according to your values rather than his.

Sweetvalleyhigh1234 · 29/06/2024 20:18

Perfect28 · 29/06/2024 20:07

Watching porn is normal. It's fine to watch and it's also fine not to. It's also fine for someone to watch or fantasize about something they don't necessarily want to actually do.

Watching porn is not normal , he's in a relationship and looking up things that op is completely unaware of. Instead of looking at porn he should try looking at his partner instead of trying to find the most perverted things he can behind his partners back online.

LostSocksBrigade · 29/06/2024 20:22

He's intrigued by anal and googling about sex with a BIL, it doesn't look great. On the flip side, does he have a sister in law?

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 20:25

ForKeenLimeOtter · 29/06/2024 20:05

Porn has got a lot to answer for but it would be naive to think that people you know aren't watching it. It's the most watched thing on the internet and surveys tend to show around 90% of men watch porn regularly and 60% of women. I think the footnote to this was it was people aged between 20 and 60 but I'm sure there are multiple polls with slightly differing results - but basically, an awful lot of people watch it.

Well yes a lot of people watch it. But there are a lot of people who don't.
Just because a lot of people watch it doesn't mean it is a good thing. An increasing number of people are having to deal with the negative consequences porn of use.

Missenger · 29/06/2024 20:25

You should have used your own phone and not snooped. If he trusts you to use his phone, you really shouldn't be looking through the history.

A lot of us don't like porn but it's not that unusual. It's up to you to draw a red line and leave, because it's impossible to police without going into controlling territory.

A BIL fantasy may be ick but it's not that weird. Most people would be embarrassed of their fantasised were aired out. Most people are not directly related to their BIL so I don't see what's so scandalous about it.

LostSocksBrigade · 29/06/2024 20:26

Whoops, sent too soon. It sounds like you have the ick lovely, and you don't have to have sex with or be in a relationship with anyone you don't want to. It's okay if porn is your deal breaker, it's okay if it isn't. Are you worried because of the porn or because of the implications that there could be more going on with him/his needs?

ForKeenLimeOtter · 29/06/2024 20:39

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 20:25

Well yes a lot of people watch it. But there are a lot of people who don't.
Just because a lot of people watch it doesn't mean it is a good thing. An increasing number of people are having to deal with the negative consequences porn of use.

Edited
Show quote history

I completely agree. I personally don't think it's a good thing but I also think that not having a relationship with someone because they watch porn is going to restrict you to the vast majority of the population. As I say, I think this is a bad thing but it is the reality at the moment. Much better to discuss it rather than be offended and disgusted - because if you were disgusted by everyone that watched it you wouldn't be able to look anyone in the eye.

JustRollWithIt · 29/06/2024 20:52

It sounds like he has a high sexual appetite. For me I would take it personally, like I wasn't enough. I know others may not be bothered by it, but for me a wall would go up and I would feel a disconnect with my partner over this.

ColinMyWifeBridgerton · 29/06/2024 20:57

Porn is a deal breaker for me. Unfortunately I think this leaves me very few normal and honest men.

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 21:01

Deargodletitgo · 29/06/2024 20:07

For those posters who have decided to no longer have sex with your partners due to porn....I'm confused as to what you think the next stage in the relationship will be? Surely ending it?

You sound as though you are blaming someone for not wanting sex with a partner because they have discovered their porn habit.
They have every right not to want to have sex with them.
It is the porn user who has totally changed the relationship by their habit.
If the relationship ends it is down to their behaviour, not the person who is so repulsed by it they don't want sex with them.

Jaydafran · 29/06/2024 21:11

Be pleased its run of the mill stuff - milfs, anal, nothing weird.

kkloo · 29/06/2024 21:25

Lifeisamysterytome · 29/06/2024 21:01

You sound as though you are blaming someone for not wanting sex with a partner because they have discovered their porn habit.
They have every right not to want to have sex with them.
It is the porn user who has totally changed the relationship by their habit.
If the relationship ends it is down to their behaviour, not the person who is so repulsed by it they don't want sex with them.

Show quote history

No she doesn't. She's just asking the question.

If my partner did something that sexually repulsed me I would also end the relationship because I'm not going to be in a relationship with someone who sexually repulses me.

JustRollWithIt · 29/06/2024 21:26

Are you quite young? Unfortunately the internet/phones has made access to porn so much easier, and I guess a lot of young people, guys in particular, are 'curious'. In a way being 'curious' is probably better than your partner simply feeding off porn to satisfy his urges for it. At what point these two concepts overlap though I'm not sure.

kkloo · 29/06/2024 21:27

Missenger · 29/06/2024 20:25

You should have used your own phone and not snooped. If he trusts you to use his phone, you really shouldn't be looking through the history.

A lot of us don't like porn but it's not that unusual. It's up to you to draw a red line and leave, because it's impossible to police without going into controlling territory.

A BIL fantasy may be ick but it's not that weird. Most people would be embarrassed of their fantasised were aired out. Most people are not directly related to their BIL so I don't see what's so scandalous about it.

Well it depends, is he the BIL in the scenario and is it a male/female fantasy or is it a fantasy about sleeping with his BIL? Big difference.