Dating in your 50s, he’s not that into me

[Deepcalm]

I met a man online through a mutual interest and we have been out on about 7 dates. He seems like he’s a good person and tells interesting stories about his life. The last time I saw him he was a bit “handsy” and I’m pretty sure he’s expecting to stay the night tonight. I’m not altogether sure I want that as I don’t feel he’s very keen on me from his behaviour so far. .

He never suggests anywhere we could go, he says “ what are we doing this evening? “ so I end up arranging/ booking.

I have always been very generous and so are my friends when paying for meals/drinks. We are practically fighting each other to pay. This man, ( he’s not short of money) gets the calculator app on phone and works out exactly what I’ve had as he has had a soft drink and I have a glass of wine . I feel a bit uncomfortable with that so our last date I booked and paid to avoid the embarrassing precise working out.

I showed him pictures of the plants on my patio ( which I’ve put a lot of work into and I’m proud of my efforts) and he said there were too many pink flowers and my patio needed pressure washing ( it doesn’t it was wet not dirty). When he visited my house (which I have taken great care and pride making it nice) he immediately put his phone torch on to look at a slight mark on the plaster in my kitchen. He didn’t say anything positive about my home.

Our last date I told him a neighbour had knocked on my door and asked me out ( I was all flustered as it happened just before our date). He said “ Oh he must feel sorry for you because you look desperate “. He then said he was only joking.

When we’re together he does most of the talking and doesn’t ask me any questions and often asks the same question on the next date so I feel like he’s not really listening or interested in me.

I’m wondering if I’m being over sensitive or I should cancel our imminent date saying I don’t feel that he’s really into me. I have been on many dates over the years and generally I found if a man is keen on you he’ll be happy to plan and suggest date venues/ activities. I’ve never experienced anyone so precise about dividing the bill in the early days of dating- I made it crystal clear I’m happy to pay my whack. He has a multi million business and 2 top of the range cars so he’s not having to watch every penny.

I have a history of getting involved with the wrong men so I’m hyper vigilant in making further mistakes. Am I right in thinking that in the beginning of a relationship that he should be a bit more keen? Also, is he negging me?

NB I’m not interested in his money, I am financially independent and don’t want to move in with anyone- just someone to go out with and have fun with

How has it even got this far?

He said you look desperate?

Fucking rude bastard.

Dump him but not yet. First when he says "what are we doing tonight" respond with " it's your turn to organise something, I've organised the last 10 dates.

Let him organise and pay for a lovely date. THEN dump him.

He criticized your lovely patio? That would be it for me. Bastard.

You can do much better. Please raise your standards, OP.

I find the phrase 'you suck the joy out of my life' might work in this situation 🤭

What @Cattery says. He sounds like he has no charisma. Failing to ask you questions about yourself is a real lack of social skills.

Trust your gut.
Let him go.
Say yes to the neighbour - IF your gut says yes to him.

I think you need to worry less about whether he's into you and more about whether you're into him. Which surely you can't be considering how you've described him?!

The first time seeing the calculator app would be the last.

You say you have a history of getting involved with the wrong men. History is repeating itself. I can't believe you are asking the question on here, given what he is like. Why are you still there?
Surely a woman in her 50s should have better self esteem than to be anywhere near a man like this. Raise your sights (a lot). You can do so much better, and deserve to. 🌹Believe it.

If you stay with this one he will destroy your self esteem. He’s happy to let you organise and pay for him but he will only pay for himself. Not partner material at all.

A dickhead too with the rude comments about your house and about you. This one is not going to improve your life, quite the opposite. Tell him to fuck off at the first opportunity.

Bin him off immediately via text message saying this is no longer working for you.

He is indeed just the latest in a line of crsp
or otherwise totally unsuitable
men you have dated. Please do not enter into any further relationship until you have determined through therapy why you keep choosing badly. It’s likely something that started in childhood, for example was your father emotionally unavailable or physically absent?. Your boundaries here are poor and this is leaving you vulnerable to such predators too.

And please remember it’s a million times better to be single than with a dickhead.

Don’t settle just for sake of having a man

Bin him. He sounds deeply unpleasant. The the calculator part is bonkers.

I'd really not bother continuing. Seven dates and you feel uncomfortable and have done all the leg work. I imagine his next stage would be moving on to critiquing your sexual technique and body.

Unless the last date was lunch at yours after he'd pressure washed your patio. 😂😂

Only joking - save your money from your awful future dates and buy your own pressure washer. I love mine!

Tell him you're looking for romance and true love!

His list of bad points will only get longer, not worth it, move on.

The comments he has made show lack of respect - he’s very rude and that would be an immediate turn off for me. He’s unpleasant and you sound lovely. Don’t give up hope of finding someone. But please do find someone other than this guy as he sounds awful!

I have a history of getting involved with the wrong men so I’m hyper vigilant in making further mistakes.

If this were true, that you are hyper vigilant, you would not be posting about this man. You would not have seen him beyond the first date. Sadly, you are still picking the wrong men. He is fucking horrendous. I'm alarmed you even have to ask. I say this genuinely, get therapy and figure out why your standards and boundaries are so lacking before you date again. There were so many times you should have told this twat to fuck off and get out, but you didn't. You have to figure out why.

I think just message him saying it’s not quite doing it/working for you… Keep it succinct but honest!

Oh God he sounds awful, I wouldn't have a second date with someone who got a calculator out. Please update once you have cancelled tonight, you deserve a much nicer person.

Rude, disrespectful, tight with his money and manners, and self absorbed. You have invested in 7 dates with this man and have provided an ear hole service to his endless story telling. How much do you think he knows about you? I suspect it could fit onto a postcard.

Ditch and run - this one is a lost cause.

I think just message him saying it’s not quite doing it/working for you… Keep it succinct but honest!

I agree...keep it really brief.

"if he really liked me he would treat me better"

Nope...it's who he is. Over time the comments would get much worse until your self esteem was on floor.

I have to agree with this. You’re not learning from your mistakes and you’re certainly not being hyper vigilant otherwise this loser wouldn’t have made it past the first time he got his calculator out.

And I find it quite worrying as a woman in her 50’s that you seem passive on accepting his groping and feel obliged to sleep him because that’s what he wants.

Have you done the freedom programme OP? If not please look into it and stop choosing appalling men time and time again. .

Gosh he sounds awful. I would end the relationship. There are much nicer men out there. 🌷