Controlling/bossy husband and parent, how to deal with it?

[Futuresnotbright654u65]

We have two young teenagers. We have a nice comfortable life, reasonable income.
I work full time/term time (new job) out of the house and so did husband prior to covid. Everything worked well then.
Since covid he now works from home which means he is here ALL the time. When he is not working he doesn't go out anywhere by himself, only with us, so that is very smothering for us as a start. He has recently been diagnosed as being on the spectrum aswell but don't know how relevant this is to our situation.
Since working from home, he is hyperfocusing on the house, and everything that comes with family life. He has become quite bossy. He does majority of cooking and cleaning now which I'm very greatful for, but he is very rigid on meal times, how things should be put away etc. As the kids are now teenagers this is making life difficult and there are a lot of conflicts. They may have planned to be out with friends over our meal time and he gets very frustrated about it.
The main thing now is finances. The kids have everything they want material wise, they have all the gadgets etc but day to day costs don't seem to exist to my husband.
Neither get pocket money and don't have access to any cash unless we give it to them. My son in particular plays out with friends most nights and they go to the newsagents to get a drink. Hus band won't allow him to have money for that. We have ended up having huge rows about it as I stuck up for the kids.
He is now trying to micromanage every part of their lives (and mine to an extent).
He will buy things for the house etc when I have never been allowed to without running the idea past him first (even for an ornament) but he can buy and have whatever he wants. I find him a huge hypocrite.
Now im working term time i was so looking forward to spending the summer together but i know that every day we will just feel more and more smothered by him and his over involvement in everything. The kids will go out more to get a break from him and ill be stuck here with him , getting no alone time for myself whatsoever
My son is counting down the days until he is 18 so he can leave and move away and I know for a fact he won't want to see his dad anymore as he is just such as negative person . This breaks my heart as my son and I are so close and I won't get to see him as much because of my husband

As I say this is only a recent thing, husband hasn't always been like this but family life is becoming hard. I am having to give my kids money secretly so as they don't need to ask him for anything but that isn't a good way to live is it?
Any advice how to handle this?

Better to be apart and potentially happier than to be together and miserable as you are now. You’ve married a man just like your own father and he was and is tight too. Your husband s recent ASD diagnosis is no excuse or justification for how he acts now towards you all. Who diagnosed him, I ask only as not all health professionals are qualified to say such.

Your H will not get 50/50 because they will indeed vote with their feet. Do not be the parent who loses the relationship with their future adult kids because you chose to stay with this man.

You have a choice re this man and they do not. Set yourself and they free of such a domineering and emotionally absent dad. Btw are your parents still together?.

He may want the kids 50-50 but he won’t get that - especially if they are teenagers. My nephew has just won custody of his kids (2 girls ages 7 and 9) as the court took onto account how they said their mother’s behaviour affects them daily.

Your kids must hate him!! but you need to take control no more undercover pocket money - they get pocket money like all other teenagers/ their friends. I also agree with others a ND diagnosis does not excuse this behaviour.

I am really sorry but this is abusive and nasty -with kindness please read what you wrote back to yourself? Is this how you want to live for the next 10/15/20 years? Is this what you would want for your kids?

You have the means now to stop this, to stop your son being alienated from you.

You have one last conversation which is clear - you are controlling and you are pushing me and the kids away. It stops today and we give you xxx weeks to show the change - or we leave, end of… his choice….

I am sorry but my son/ daughter would always win in this scenario. Just think of a life without him and how happy/ free your kids/ you would be.

If your children are teenagers - over the age of 13 then a court will not force them to spend any time with their father unless they wanted to, irrespective of what he wanted.

You need to find another way of communicating with him.

Sometimes visual things work better.

Could you text him send him saying what you have said here and let him read it. Text that you are giving £20 per week to each child. Do a pie chart with diagrams with money being spent.

Could you get a mediator to communicate with him, or a counsellor?

If you want to stay with him you will have to find a way to communicate and get through to him. His way is not the right way, it’s damaging your children and you, you can see that and are dreading the summer.

You have to do something.
It can’t go on.

Something will have to give very soon, I'm sure of it. We are going on holiday in a couple of weeks so will wait till we've been on that as kids are looking forward to it.
Financially I earn a pittance as work term time only , which I have done to be here for the kids when they needed me. As it currently stands I think I would qualify for universal credit.
Once the kids are older I don't think I would qualify for anything as a home owner and my wage alone wouldn't be enough to live off so I would probably have to change career and downsize etc. Things would be tight but at least I'd be free

Also, what really hit me is that you are saying ‘I won’t be able to see my son because I’m staying with my husband ‘

why?

Why are you making this choice?
he sounds really miserable to live with. He will sand you down.

Some suggestions for the meantime while you decide what to do:

Meals - put a tick sheet on the fridge door. All teens and adults to tick if they want the evening meal by the morning of that day. Anyone not ticking doesn't get food prepped for them & needs to sort their own.

Pocket money - best way to sell this to him is that it gives them a chance to experience having money and knowing that when it's gone it's gone. Better to learn that lesson with 10 pounds and drinks than hundreds and drugs.

More generally it sounds like he is financially abusive.

He might want 50:50 but at the age your teens are he doesn't really get a say, they get to choose and it sounds unlikely they would choose him.

With the pocket money issue, perhaps a different tack might work. Your kids will soon be working or going to uni. They need to learn to budget, and pocket money or a monthly allowance is a great place to start. You could agree on a basic amount and give them the opportunity to increase this by doing particular chores. Mine would help with the garden for an extra £5 back in the day. Could you persuade your DH that this is something that teens really need to learn?

This is abuse, OP.

You might want to join this thread OP

Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 11 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5081532-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-11

He sounds flipping awful. I hate stinginess, deeply unattractive as a trait. Bin him and leave with the kids.

Id you do still love him and want to be married to him, I think you need to read him the riot act to tell him his behaviour and actions are not acceptable, the only thing he is teaching his children is how to despise him. He cannot dictate everyone's behaviour. He has to accept as children get older they have to have more and more independence, and treating them like toddlers is not on. Yes, it's annoying when plans change and meals/timings are not what we planned, but that's what happens in normal family life, and as adults we learn to deal with it.
He is just one of four people in the family, so he sometimes has to compromise, as does everyone else. Not giving money to his children is not teaching them any financial lessons, they see it as him not wanting to be able to do things with their friends, and being embarrassed about having such a domineering father.
The choice is his.

Why even pander to it? Jeez I couldn’t live tip-toeing around someone like this. Why does the op have to draw up rotas and laminated rules to mitigate this obtuse and borderline abusive behaviour? She just needs to put her foot down or divorce the prick.

if we were to split, he would want 50/50 custody of the children

didn't you say they are teenagers? They don't have to spend time with a parent if they don't want to. Certainly not 50/50.

OP, he is controlling and abusing your children and you are enabling it.

Your poor children.
You need to be brave. Contact Women's aid for support.
Your children WILL blame you. Have absolutely no doubt about that. You know what's going on and you are allowing it.

Stop trying to change him.
If you split you tell him to take you to court for contact. Listen to your children.
Allow them to tell the courts that they have no wish to be around their father.

He wouldn't allow you to buy stuff for the house but does what HE likes.

Of course he knows what he is doing.
Encourage your children to talk to the school, a teacher about their father, it can trigger outside involvement that can speed up support of you all.

All that matters is that you stop the harm he is doing to your children.

You ALL deserve to live in peace.

I would not be staying with him. He is making your life harder than it needs to be. Everything has to be on his terms. He won't give your teenaged kids money. You oldest child has already said I am moving out of here once I am 18.
My feeling is that you put up with this behaviour for years but since he started to work from home it gotten far worse as he wants control of you, the kid's, money and everything regarding the house.
Staying with him will just get worse as he gets older and it could end up with you having a very poor relationship with your kids once they leave home.

If your own father was like this regarding meanness with money and controlling you may have grown up thinking this is normal. You now beginning to realise that this is not the case.

Since he is so money focused I get him out of the house to do a big grocery shop. Tell your youngest child you them to go with him before you suggest this to him. Tell your husband this would be a good chance for him to show the youngest the cost of groceries and how to shop for good value.

You want him out of your house when you get all of your financial details together including his pension details.

Make an appointment to meet with a solicitor and find out what would happen if you divorced. You maybe able to stay in the family home until the kids leave school or university.

I think that you have had enough of living with him and always doing what he wants. You can see the effect that it having on you and the kid's. Your trying to keep him happy always but he is making everyone life miserable at home.

I think you be happier if you got divorced and he moved out. Your kids deserve to be able to bring their friends around and have money to buy a bottle of coke like their friends when they go out. You need to be able to relax at home as well.