Controlling/bossy husband and parent, how to deal with it?

[Futuresnotbright654u65]

We have two young teenagers. We have a nice comfortable life, reasonable income.
I work full time/term time (new job) out of the house and so did husband prior to covid. Everything worked well then.
Since covid he now works from home which means he is here ALL the time. When he is not working he doesn't go out anywhere by himself, only with us, so that is very smothering for us as a start. He has recently been diagnosed as being on the spectrum aswell but don't know how relevant this is to our situation.
Since working from home, he is hyperfocusing on the house, and everything that comes with family life. He has become quite bossy. He does majority of cooking and cleaning now which I'm very greatful for, but he is very rigid on meal times, how things should be put away etc. As the kids are now teenagers this is making life difficult and there are a lot of conflicts. They may have planned to be out with friends over our meal time and he gets very frustrated about it.
The main thing now is finances. The kids have everything they want material wise, they have all the gadgets etc but day to day costs don't seem to exist to my husband.
Neither get pocket money and don't have access to any cash unless we give it to them. My son in particular plays out with friends most nights and they go to the newsagents to get a drink. Hus band won't allow him to have money for that. We have ended up having huge rows about it as I stuck up for the kids.
He is now trying to micromanage every part of their lives (and mine to an extent).
He will buy things for the house etc when I have never been allowed to without running the idea past him first (even for an ornament) but he can buy and have whatever he wants. I find him a huge hypocrite.
Now im working term time i was so looking forward to spending the summer together but i know that every day we will just feel more and more smothered by him and his over involvement in everything. The kids will go out more to get a break from him and ill be stuck here with him , getting no alone time for myself whatsoever
My son is counting down the days until he is 18 so he can leave and move away and I know for a fact he won't want to see his dad anymore as he is just such as negative person . This breaks my heart as my son and I are so close and I won't get to see him as much because of my husband

As I say this is only a recent thing, husband hasn't always been like this but family life is becoming hard. I am having to give my kids money secretly so as they don't need to ask him for anything but that isn't a good way to live is it?
Any advice how to handle this?

Have you tried to explain how you feel? If so and your H wont listen or dismisses it then you might have to consider splitting up, it sounds an awful way to live.
DH worked long hours out of the hosue until Covid but is now 100% based at home and while we all needed to adjust a bit I wouldn't be able to deal with the behaviour you describe here.
If not for you you need to make changes for your DC

If your DH doesn't change then do you want to remain with him? I suspect it will be hellish.

Perhaps lay it on the line that he is destroying the family and marriage. It's horrible to issue ultimatums but it may be the only way.

We've talked about it at great length many times. He is very rigid in his thought processes and thinks he is always right so won't listen to anyone else's opinions.
I stay with him because as I said previously it wasn't like this when the kids were younger so life was a lot nicer.
But also if we were to split, he would want 50/50 custody of the children. I would not be there to advocate for them when they were with him and he would be even more controlling over their lives
This way am able see what goes on and speak up for them when needed.
Husband feels that he's doing the right thing and teaching the kids not to be wasteful etc but I see it as going much too far.

I had a parent who was very mean with money and it was miserable for me sometimes. Other children having an ice cream from the ice cream van and we would have to walk to a supermarket to get a box of Choc ice. Other children would have a drink from the shop, again we had to go the supermarket for a 2l bottle of the cheapest pop and share it between us. I totally get this as not being wasteful and teaching your kids how to spend sensibly but I couldn't join in with my friends and now it's happening to my own kids. My dad is now a millionaire but miserable!!

Why do you have to give the kids money ‘secretly’? You’re a grown woman with your own money!

Why do you accept any of this behaviour?

That sounds really hard @Futuresnotbright654u65 . Some of it is traditional gendered parenting roles, I think dads often feel pressure to do the 'discipline' and I think a lot of ideas about discipline are quite Victorian and deferential and don't really fit with current lifestyles and aspirations. I think this gender role is also allowing your DH to shut down any challenge.

I understand a bit where your DH is coming from. I have DC with ASD who I thought were neuro typical until they were embarrassingly old, because I likely have ASD myself.

I think a lot of the controlling behaviour is his need for safe environments. My adult son is very fixated on what he eats and what time he eats. DS's fixations are largely health anxiety related, he reads something about healthy times to eat or foods to be avoided for health reasons and that becomes gospel with no deviation.

I wonder if your DH would respond to agreeing areas of the house that are 'his' to control and areas that are for family use that accommodate everyone's needs and opinions.

With the food and people not being there. I'm pretty sure it will be a fear of impacting 'his' time to eat and what he eats that is the problem. A big communication issue between NDs and NTs in our circles are the differing, unspoken, assumptions and associations.

I think a conversation could be possible where you both say what you are worried about happening if the family don't eat together at a certain time or what may happen if the DC are not allowed more freedom to choose when they eat. I think you could start to reassure that X doesn't have to lead to Y and DH can still meet his own needs and routines while accepting that others have different ideas.

How old are the DC?
If over 12 or so they would get a choice about 50/50 and it sounds like they would vote with their feet.
For me it wouldn't just be the misery of living like this it would be the fcat that my opinions on things didn't count

I know for a fact he won't want to see his dad anymore as he is just such as negative person . This breaks my heart as my son and I are so close and I won't get to see him as much because of my husband

Actually, you won't get to see him as much because you choose to stay with your husband.

It would be nuclear level ultimatum time if I were you. Your husband's abuse is totally unacceptable and if you don't take drastic action, you will find yourself never seeing your kids once they can get away from your home.

As for 50/50 custody, your kids are old enough to decide for themselves where they wish to live.

Your adult son will be living his own life and you may not see him anyway but you have to think whether you want to live with your husband.
From experience they don't get better as they age, it just gets worse.

Would he consider (and listen to!) counseling? Might also be useful regarding his bizarre refusal to allow any pocket money, which obviously isn't considered good parenting practice under any guidelines. And why is he the only one allowed input on that, anyway?

If you do break up, sounds unlikely 50:50 would be a realistic prospect. From what you've said not least because your kids aren't likely to go along with it.

Please leave this man if you want to salvage any kind of relationship with your dc. I don't think he will get 50 50, your dc are too old for that and they will get a say in which parent they see how much.

I am having to give my kids money secretly so as they don't need to ask him for anything but that isn't a good way to live is it?

No, you are choosing to do this secretly. Why? Why aren't you telling your husband to deal with it and keep his nose out?

He has a mental health nurse and I've spoken to her about it. Because his asd diagnosis is so new and he's lived not knowing for 40 years it has come as a big shock to him. It's glaringly obvious to others but he is very much in denial about it right now. His nurse can't really help with our issue tho as its so ingrained in him.

He might want 50/50 but if your children are teens the common Mumsnet advice is the courts will take their wishes into account. He certainly wouldn’t be able to make a 16 yr old see him.
I would also not hide giving them money. If he’s being such a tightwad I’d rather enjoy handing over the odd fiver or tenner.

Just to add, it's not a new thing if he's controlled you buying small things for the house, it's just now becoming worse. He's home more now so is able to exert more control, and it's very common with abusive parents to become more controlling as their dc grow up and want more independence.

You and the teens need to explain to him, exactly how you feel and make it clear that things need to change.

Ask him to get some counselling to discuss his control issues. They teens could earn pocket money by doing jobs around the house, hoovering, dishwasher, etc. Agree an amount between you.

He is going to alienate all of you if this carries on. You would all be happier away from him and in control of your own lives.

I agree with PP that if they are teens then it is unlikely he would get 50/50 if they don't want to live with him.

His recent diagnosis is not an excuse for his abusive behaviour and it is not a reason why you have to tolerate this shit.

He would be unlikely to get 50/50 when the dc won't want to see him. If that's all that's stopping you breaking free, speak to a solicitor and they will advise you.

If you got 50/50 custody, your children may not mind this. Yes, they'd have to put up with him half of the time, but it means that they could breathe and relax when they come to yours. Right now they don't have that option.

So much depends on context, but if you're in a relationship with someone who is never flexible, always rigid, always has to have things their own way, never compromises....then where the room for you in that?? They're not in a relationship with you are they? Not one of equals anyway. They're in a relationship with themselves and you are like an object that's meant to be used and fit into everything they do.

Do you have access to a garden? Short term solution for you and the kids might be a shed/cabin with internet and power from the house. In lieu of being able to change DHs behaviour, having somewhere you can escape to and the kids can socialise outside "his" domain could take some pressure off.

As other people have commented, you shouldn't have to put up with this at all but breaking up is very disruptive and at least he is trying to provide/do some housework which is better than a lot of DHs.

What would he say if you sat him down and said:
'IT doesn't matter if you think you are right or not, you need to meet the kids in the middle or they are going to hate you. You need to compromise. Everyone might not get things exactly as they want, but we need to meet in the middle and not just go with what one person wants'?
There is a thread on the Relationships board you might be interested in, for partners of people with autism.

You sound like you have lovely relationship with your children and your husband has bad relationships with the rest of the family.
Which relationship do you want?
Giving my 16 year old money, the odd tenner here and there is not even discussed here, between DH and I, because it is not worth discussing while we both have the money.
What would happen if you said, "DH, I will be giving the kids money over the summer. I disagree with you and this is what I am going to do."
What would be the consequences of this?
If you would be frightened or he would sulk for days on end, this is no way to live.
Take control or give up the rest of your life for this man and watch your kids leaves.

Why does he have a mental health nurse?

It sounds to me as if you've accepted this situation developing because it has similarities to your own childhood (domineering and controlling father) It also sounds utterly miserable, one of your DC has already made it clear that they are unhappy and will break contact with him ASAP.

You have the option not to inflict that on them for what remains of their childhoods. As others have said, as young teens they will not be forced to have 50:50 with him.

It doesn't matter if he wants 50:50, your kids are teens and can refuse to see him.

Please get them out of that house, it sounds miserable and exceptionally damaging.

Oh just divorce and get on with your lives and start enjoying things. He won’t get 50/50 because the kids won’t want to be with him and they are old enough to make that decision. The kids will vote with their feet if they are unhappy.