Feeling suffocated

[calmerwaters]

I’ve been living with my partner for about a year and have started to notice I’m feeling a bit suffocated. I tried to work out why and I think it’s because I hardly get any time to myself.

My partner always wants us to go to bed at the same time.
Which means I never get to stay up late on my own.
And if I ever want to go to bed early even if it's half 8 he comes with me then too.

Yesterday I l felt sick and went for a lie down. I ended up falling asleep and 3 or 4 times he came to ask me if I was coming downstairs which woke me up.

He naturally wakes up a lot earlier than me and likes going out early. If I’m not awake by 9am at the weekend he’ll wake me up.

When I go on a night out he always offers to pick me up. If I say I can get a taxi so he doesn't have to wait up for me he says he’d always wait up until he knew I was home safely anyway.

I work but also study 3 evenings a week and some weekends so when I’m not working or studying he expects we’ll be doing something together unless I’ve told him about specific plans in advance like dinner with friends. If I decide on the day that I want to go somewhere like the shops he’ll want to come with me or if I say I want to go for a walk on my own or something it seems to hurt his feelings.

On the rare occasion I do go shopping or for a walk or whatever on my own he normally calls me at some point.

He asks me to let him know what time I’m finishing work so he knows the plans for the evening and then when it gets near to that time will ask again if I’m nearly finished.

When I’m texting he often says “everything okay?” which feels like his way of subtly asking what’s going on or who I’m talking to

When I’m on the phone he listens to my side of the conversation, even if I’ve taken the call upstairs I noticed he pauses the tv or whatever he’s doing

Now that I've noticed it I’m going to try and deal with it and explain that I need more space etc but I guess just wanted to seek reassurance that I’m not crazy in finding this a bit much?

This sounds quite controlling on his side. Is he insecure would you say?

That would drive me mad and agree it sounds controlling.

Yeah I think he is a bit insecure. At the start of the relationship he was openly insecure, would tell me he was worried about me leaving him etc. I don't hear that anymore but if I go away with work he'll make "jokes" like not to go on any dates while I'm there

Very controlling, no wonder you feel suffocated. You need to have a talk and tell him to back the fuck off...he'll only get worse if you don't.

Bet he wants you to contact him when you're out with friends too

My partner always wants us to go to bed at the same time. Which means I never get to stay up late on my own.

Your partner definitely has serious issues, but for a LOT of this you bear some responsibility. You never "get" to stay up late? You're not a child Why haven't you told him, very, very clearly, that you will go to bed whenever you are good and ready? Why are you pandering to this?

Bet he wants you to contact him when you're out with friends too

He does pull a face that I "disappear off the face of the earth" when I'm out as I tend not to stay in contact much. So he lives with it but I know he doesnt like it

You never "get" to stay up late? You're not a child Why haven't you told him, very, very clearly, that you will go to bed whenever you are good and ready? Why are you pandering to this?

You're right - bad habits have definitely creeped up - I've gone along with things for an easier life but now have backed myself into bad habits. There have been times when I've said I'm not going to bed yet but he'll then just wait up until I am going. And because he's obviously tired and not happy about being up it's not exactly relaxing so felt easier just to go to bed at the same time

No wonder you are feeling suffocated.

He's very controlling and manipulative. 🚩 city.

All of this is unreasonable. Making you come to bed with him? Waking you up? Seriously abusive.

I'd dump him and run.

I agree that he is suffocating. All of those things would be cloying to me.

Run for the hills.

This never ends well. He needs to manage his own issues, not force you to be on 24/7 alert to assuage his need for control, , reassurance, whatever.

He expects you to cater to him. It's utterly grim and unmanly.

Thanks so much everybody for your replies. It’s really helpful to get an outside view that I’m not unusual to find this suffocating!

I wouldn't be able to stand any of that.

If he's trying to control you due to insecurity about you leaving him then his actions are causing a self fulfilling fate.

Jesus. That is incredibly suffocating behaviour. It might be quite controlling also. Get him told, OP …. What you need in terms of space, reasonable behaviour. He doesn’t get to dictate your bedtime. Fkg hell.

What do you think would happen if you challenged him or asserted your need for more space, OP?

years ago i had one of these. I felt monitored when I did errands unaccompanied. He hovered around the bathroom if I took a longer-than-usual bath. Check ins on the rare nights out I had were frequent. Unsurprisingly he was controlling in other aspects of our lives together. It didn’t last and I felt happier when we parted.

Deeply unappealing behaviour. He has serious insecure attachment issues.ICK.

That’s incredibly suffocating. It would put me off him.

I have to admit, I was like your partner. It wasn't until I got into a relationship where my boyfriend was acting like it that I realised the error in my ways.
Honestly even thinking about it now I remind myself how controlling I've been without meaning to, a lot of it was purely because of my own issues. I craved that human contact and felt the need to spend every minute with my partner, I felt that otherwise our relationship will grow cold and we'd break up (oh the irony).
It was all really due to my insecurities and not malicious. Thankfully I've seen the error in my ways and just chilled out, worked on myself and found that as my self worth improved so did my interactions with others. I stopped second guessing everything.
Sadly the catalyst for that, as mentioned earlier, was a short term boyfriend who was even more clingy than I was. I broke it off as I couldn't deal with that level of need from him.

I've no actual advice except try to communicate very firmly, yes it will hurt his feelings, but hopefully it'll also prompt him to work on himself. If he doesn't change then I'd sadly end the relationship purely because it will wear you out mentally.

My partner always wants us to go to bed at the same time.

Do you need us to tell you that this is not o.k?

He's controlling and this is not o.k. Run for your life!

FFS MN is still in the 1950's with lots of people

Thanks all, you’re definitely helping to confirm that I need to sort this out. I agree with the comments that it’s putting me off him too - as I miss having time to just do simple things like walk by myself. and I think I’m starting to resent the fact that he behaves like I’m doing something wrong when I do push back. Just a couple of days ago on an evening when we didn’t have anything planned he came home from work and said what time do you want to go out for a walk later (as we do that a lot), I said I don’t know if I’ll be coming tonight as I’ve got lots I want to do and he immediately went sulky and said “right okay I’ll just go on my own then”. when I said it seems like you’re annoyed what’s the matter - he said I guess I’m just sad that we don’t seem to do much together because you’re always so busy.

What do you think would happen if you challenged him or asserted your need for more space, OP?
Most likely he’d be a bit sulky about it, complain about how we don’t have much time together, that he gets bored waiting around, I might hear about how he’s fed up because he’s done nothing or had a bad day etc. Thats the sort of thing that’s happened in the past and why it’s ended up being easier to just go with the flow sometimes

to try and combat him saying we have no time together or I don’t make time for him, im thinking when I do speak to him I might suggest we always plan a couple of nights a week where we book some quality time together to do something so that even if I’m having some time to myself on other nights we still have that

Thanks @natsash I really appreciate you sharing such an honest insight from the other side too. Funnily enough I can see what you mean -in a past relationship I had I remember I showed my disappointment if we weren’t spending an evening together whereas now that drives me crazy when it’s happening to me!

"I might suggest we always plan a couple of nights a week where we book some quality time together to do something so that even if I’m having some time to myself on other nights we still have that."

Or you could bypass all that appeasing crap and ditch the self-centred sulky arse.
You're not responsible for his happiness, he is.

"When I’m texting he often says “everything okay?” which feels like his way of subtly asking what’s going on or who I’m talking to."

This guy can't even let you text a pal without having a problem. Just fuck off.

Horrible behaviour from him. Using sulky, petulant behaviour to keep you in line, really controlling and manipulative. This is SO not normal.

I wouldn't be planning anything, he won't change apart from probably getting worse

People are saying controlling. Clingy more like.

Either way it sounds very tiring. If you can't sit down and explain that you need more time to yourself - and privacy to take calls etc then your relationship is on a shaky footing anyway. Tell him that if he can't give you what you need you'll have to rethink your relationship.

He sounds rather immature Op. He wants all your time and attention and then sulks if you say no, does he have no life of his own? Don't let him take your life over Op or you'll be posting again in a few years, by then he'll sulk and give you the cold shoulder everytime you do anything alone

It is controlling because OP has changed her behaviour to suit him and he sulks when she wants to do something different.