Feeling suffocated

[calmerwaters]

I’ve been living with my partner for about a year and have started to notice I’m feeling a bit suffocated. I tried to work out why and I think it’s because I hardly get any time to myself.

My partner always wants us to go to bed at the same time.
Which means I never get to stay up late on my own.
And if I ever want to go to bed early even if it's half 8 he comes with me then too.

Yesterday I l felt sick and went for a lie down. I ended up falling asleep and 3 or 4 times he came to ask me if I was coming downstairs which woke me up.

He naturally wakes up a lot earlier than me and likes going out early. If I’m not awake by 9am at the weekend he’ll wake me up.

When I go on a night out he always offers to pick me up. If I say I can get a taxi so he doesn't have to wait up for me he says he’d always wait up until he knew I was home safely anyway.

I work but also study 3 evenings a week and some weekends so when I’m not working or studying he expects we’ll be doing something together unless I’ve told him about specific plans in advance like dinner with friends. If I decide on the day that I want to go somewhere like the shops he’ll want to come with me or if I say I want to go for a walk on my own or something it seems to hurt his feelings.

On the rare occasion I do go shopping or for a walk or whatever on my own he normally calls me at some point.

He asks me to let him know what time I’m finishing work so he knows the plans for the evening and then when it gets near to that time will ask again if I’m nearly finished.

When I’m texting he often says “everything okay?” which feels like his way of subtly asking what’s going on or who I’m talking to

When I’m on the phone he listens to my side of the conversation, even if I’ve taken the call upstairs I noticed he pauses the tv or whatever he’s doing

Now that I've noticed it I’m going to try and deal with it and explain that I need more space etc but I guess just wanted to seek reassurance that I’m not crazy in finding this a bit much?

This is deeply unhealthy behaviour. Whether he realises it or not, it is highly controlling and possessive.

He doesn't not "own" you and seems to think that, as part of a couple, you are answerable to him and that he can dictate what you do, when you do it, and with whom.

It is vital that you address this. He may need counselling to help him to recognise what a healthy relationship looks like.

You also have to decide if he is the right person for you, given that he might not change.

You are an autonomous individual in your own right, and nobody has a right to dictate how you should behave.

Take some time to learn about healthy boundaries and how to assert yourself.

In romantic relationships and life partnerships clingy IS controlling.

Tell him it’s making you feel less attracted to him. Make some date nights where you have quality time together.

importantly, does he spend time each week with his own friends or own family, own hobbies, have his own quiet time. If he is dependent on you for everything massive alarm bells would be ringing for me. I would want to know how he he plans to address the lack of balance.

There is a reason why women are happier on their own than in relationships, and this is one of them.

Actually my partner divorced over similar reasons, it had become a parent/child relationship where what he did was responsible for how happy she was. There was no independence or partnership.

People don't grow in each others shadows.

Thanks so much everybody for your advice. You’re right that I do need to address it. I don’t want to carry on feeling suffocated and that could kill the relationship anyway so there’s nothing to lose by trying to talk to him about it. Feel nervous about it though!

He works less hours than me, isn’t studying and only sees friends once a week on average so I think that’s partly why he’s bored and itching for us to do something as soon as I’m free. But that’s not working for me as then I end up with no time to myself where he’s already had his quiet time (plus I think he doesn’t have as much need for alone time as me, he’s said before he thinks there’s nothing we can’t do together). He is thinking of joining a group as a hobby which I’ve encouraged.

I know I need to take some responsibility here as you’re right that he can’t actually dictate what I do. I’ve been guilty of going along with his wants to keep an easy life, to avoid feeling guilty like I’m letting him down or something if I do things on my own. So I need to stop that

I actually think this relationship should end. He is unbelievably manipulative and controlling. 😵‍💫

When I’m on the phone he listens to my side of the conversation, even if I’ve taken the call upstairs I noticed he pauses the tv or whatever he’s doing

This is where it tips the scale from clingy/insecure to controlling.

Wanting to tag along with you on errands? That's clingy/insecure, merely annoying. If it were merely this, it's worth a firm but kind conversation

He pauses the TV to eavesdrop on your phone conversations? That's completely different, controlling, out of order. It's run-a-mile territory. The stuff stalkers are made of

💯- he’s absolutely controlling and manipulative which is a form of abuse.

You can talk to him all you want OP but this is who he is. He might agree to charge short term but he’ll revert back because controlling abusers don’t really change.

Is this really someone you want as a life partner? Someone who controls your every move and won’t even allow you autonomy over your own sleep?

When I’m on the phone he listens to my side of the conversation, even if I’ve taken the call upstairs I noticed he pauses the tv or whatever he’s doing

He does what now 🤔.

If I knew where you are, I would come and lift you out of the relationship, because thos is more than suffocating. This is full on terrifying.

Everything you described is bad but muting the TV so he can listen to your calls is appalling. I really could not be with someone like that

Theres been lots of times when I can tell that he’s been listening when I’m on a call - either because I notice the TV pause and then play again or one time I even noticed him stood at the bottom of the stairs. Theres been a couple of times when he’s actually come upstairs to comment on a conversation so it’s not even like he’s trying to be secretive about it. It does annoy me and I said to him you shouldn’t even be listening and he just said well you’re not exactly being quiet.

I probably should have said or done more about it but he was so blasé that I almost wondered if I’m overreacting. Plus it’s the kind of thing my mum would have done when I was growing up to listen in so not totally alien to me. And he says he’s not bothered if I want to listen to his calls.

He’ll equally listen in to work calls sometimes if I’m working from home so it doesn’t have to just be personal stuff.

So Ive pretty much just put it down to nosiness and dodgy social skills rather than anything malicious.

My god that's my worst nightmare. He wakes you up in the morning ???

Does he have any good points ? I think it might be best to break up, his behaviour is ridiculous and you've enabled it by your own admission, I don't see a path to a healthy relationship here.

With respect OP you seem to be burying your head in the sand regarding his controlling, manipulative abusive behaviour.

This isn’t a lack of social skills, it’s deliberate abuse and you seem to be drugging your shoulders and saying ‘oh it’s ok I’ll have a chat with him’

Oh God, this us exactly what my H was like, plus sulking, plus jealousy... I now realise he has ADHD, ( + dyslexia & mild tics)
Dump now, you cant fix it...
Just save yourself the futile efforts of trying to fix it. You can't

Yeah. It worries me.

I agree. Be really careful, OP. I don't like the sound of him at all.

Abuse like you describe is truly insidious in its onset.

How would you advise a friend if she was telling you this?.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man. Do not bury your head further here by calling his behaviour dodgy social skills because it’s way beyond that. Your relationship with him now needs to be at an end. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He doesn't trust you Op or he'd feel no need to listen to your phone calls. Sorry but without trust you have nothing.

Thanks so much everybody - I appreciate your help and concern. I definitely don’t want to bury my head in the sand. Seeing abuse mentioned is alarming as I’d been feeling suffocated but thinking he was doing it without realising what he was doing. Thinking it was because of him wanting to spend time together, not considering how I felt etc. It hadn’t really occurred to me that it could be deliberately controlling.

I thought the listening in was just nosiness because he does it when I’m working too and even listens in on the neighbours. So it didn’t seem specific to listening to me. But perhaps that was naive and either way it’s bad boundaries.

Right now I’m swinging between omg what if youre right that I’ve got myself into an abusive relationship and then at other times still thinking that maybe he’s just needy, wants a lot of time together and I have to be clearer what I want.

I guess if I stop enabling it and start doing what I want more then his reactions will say a lot.

When I started reading I thought it sounded like he just likes spending time with you constantly in the house - which I can see is annoying, but not harmful. The constant checking up and monitoring your comms is more of a red flag.

Bring it to his attention and see if anything changes.

That would drive me batshit. Doesn't he have any interests to preoccupy him?