seperation from husband

[Toliveanotherlife]

Hi, not sure what I'm expecting, just really need a hand hold and some solid advice as I'm falling apart. I have no friends to confide in and my family have been disowned (another story). I am on my own literally.

Always had issue's in our relationship and then marriage, mainly him with money issue's, female work colleague boundaries (you get my drift). We worked through it or so I thought. We have our own business and moved to a lovely house with land because we have horses, dogs etc, the dream. We have one daughter who's nearly a teenager. I have gone through my own struggles with the menopause and have not been easy to live with. He has been supportive. We have supported each other through a lot.

He is under pressure with work, is constantly on his phone and doesn't spend anytime with me or our daughter. Has told me he is selfish for pursuing his hobby, which takes him out of the house one day every weekend whilst the season is on. I am given no time on my own, even though it has been agreed previously.

He has been working with a woman who he has said is very good looking. He is nearly 50, she's 28ish I think (just for context). He has previously shown me his phone and looking at the messages he has been over friendly. There is absolutely nothing in her replies which were few and far between. It is all him. I did warn him about it and he said he would stay professional. He told me there is nothing going on but gut says he's very interested in her. He deletes messages even though he says there's nothing to hid. Massive red flag, I am not delusional.

I have been asking him to sort things out for months. Less mobile phone, more time spent together. I got the spiel but nothing materialised. I told him if nothing improved I want a legal seperation. I blew my top on sunday after a few things and said I am done. I want to seperate and I wasn't interested in anything he had to say going forward. He has taken me at my word and ignored me. He won't discuss anything.

I have asked him to move into the spare bedroom but he has not returned home to sort it out.

I'm not sure what to do. I have cried away from my daughter and not been unkind about him in front of her but god it's difficult. I want to scream and shout at him and ask him why he could just ditch me like that after 15 years.

I have felt trapped for so long and so unhappy in my marriage and really should be feeling good but I don't. Just need words of wisdom. Thank you for reading.

@Toliveanotherlife where is your husband right now ? You said he didn’t return home ? How long ago was this ? Well it all sounds very bad , he’s clearly not interested in you to ignore you instead of try and fix things if he was serious about you , ignoring you was just childish ! He should have at least shown some respect and accept the breakup and tell you OK fine , I’ll start planning moving out ect , instead of leaving you hanging without a word from him . I think you made a great decision to break things off because you said you have been unhappy for years !
you said you want to scream at him and ask how he could ditch you just like this , but surely if you’re unhappy anyways , you’d be relieved ? Or are you unhappy because he isn’t making an effort with you otherwise you’d be happy ?

@Ilovebees I don't know where he is. He said he had an appointment at 1pm. and hasn't returned home. I asked him to sort out the spare room this afternoon and talk tonight. He said fine. Guess he's running away from it. He has always shut down when we argue. He is the only one who can make me mad at the flip of a switch. I'm relieved/sad but also angry he doesn't try after he said he didn't want to split up.

@Toliveanotherlife oh wow , he’s so childish , but clearly if he was scared of losing you , he’d be begging you not to do it ?! Not just say , ok fine , whatever . Clearly he’s not bothered which is soo sad as it sounds like he’s checked out emotionally long time ago so he saw it coming one day , but couldn’t be arsed to do it himself until he found something better to replace you with .. if a man truly wants to stay with someone , they wouldn’t be going out doing appointments work or whatever , they would feel so depressed and stressed about it that all you’d think about is trying to fix this situation straight away ? Why ain’t he bothered that you’re so unhappy in your marriage ? Wouldn’t a loving husband do all he can to make his wife happy ?

@Toliveanotherlife are you hoping he will try and fix things with you or did you split up out of frustration with him ?

@Toliveanotherlife and this phone thing and deleting messages from work female friend , massive red flag 😬😳

@Ilovebees couldn't agree more. His lack of presence or discussion says it all. He is very immature. I can see he's been on whatsapp. I think he's waiting for me to message to sort it out like I always do but I'm not this time. I told him on friday he'd got what he wanted, single life (he's been pretty much living it anyway). His response was 'have I......that's what you think'. I replied 'actions speak louder than words'. His response 'you keep thinking that you know' 🙄 I called him out on it and said are we back at school, how immature. Nothing. It's like talking to a brick wall.

@Toliveanotherlife wow he’s response to your messages are so unbothered , he isn’t even bothered ? He isn’t showing any anxiety or fear of losing you . He’s responses are so sarcastic .
if I was the one who is about to get dumped and I deeply loved this person , if you messaged me saying I got what I wanted single life , I would be so so sad and crying my eyes out , reassuring you saying please baby don’t be like this , I have never wanted single life , only you my darling , trust me , I will do whatever to prove it to you so you can see that I really want you and I love you soo much , please let’s fix whatever is making you unhappy.

his reply’s to your messages truly show me as an outsider , that he’s not bothered , not even bothered to find out why it’s happening and what he can do to fix it !!! My god ! He should be crying right now knowing his wife doesn’t want him and what he can do to fix all of this, not go out and ingore you like nothing happened ! It’s a major thing to happen to anyone , break ups .

I know you said he normally shuts down when you both argue , but this is totally different , it’s a break up , it’s massive ! Life changing . He shouldn’t be shutting down if there was any chance at all for him to save this relationship . The more he shuts down and plays he’s games by not talking like an adult , the more you’ll begin to hate him knowing he doesn’t even see your marriage worth fighting for , which separates you even further apart emotionally .

@Ilovebees I want to call it a day because I need peace in my life. I don't feel secure in my marriage. He has had too many chances. I've not been blameless. Menopause has caused no end of issues, which have now thankfully been sorted but I have been 100% loyal to him. He has form for deleting messages. Still not back.

@Ilovebees I think he's not bothered too. He's not bothered to see how our daughter is. He's basically left me to parent on my own for a long time. He has been working away a lot, he's beyond tired, I get it but won't listen to me about taking a break or turning down work occasionally. He can't say no to work incase it dries up. The daily grind has been difficult this last year but that has meant we have emotionally disconnected. I just don't see anyway forward when the other person won't engage.

@Toliveanotherlife sorry you feeling this way OP ! I am not suprised one bit you want to call it a day ! Why would you stay , what exactly does he bring to your marriage , not a lot I guess , making you feel insecure and lowering your self esteem and making you feel unsecured is defenetly something you don’t want or need ! But he chooses to do that to you , urgggg , yuk , I feel so sorry for you , so yes , your best choice is to go your own way and be happy and content , knowing you don’t ever have to think about this stressful situation with him and his messages etc , this horrible gut feeling . No point staying unhappy forever . It’s better to be out now than never . Xx ultimately he doesn’t have a say in it , you can leave whevener you want , so at least you can be happy knowing you’ll be out soon ! And about him not being back at home , I’d just forget about it , don’t chase him , go to bed and watch a film and fall asleep , don’t wait for him , just pretend it’s all over already and you don’t need nothing from him anymore . He knows it’s over so you have nothing to discuss anymore . If you suspect he won’t sleep in spare bedroom tonight , please maybe go there yourself at least tonight , until he sorts it out tomorrow x

@Ilovebees thank you. I appreciate another person's perspective, that I'm not going mad, this is actually happening. I've got a feeling he'll try and talk to me at some point but it will be too late. He hasn't given me the curtesy so it can't be reciprocated. Spare room was to sort out putting up the blow up bed, so if he returns he can sleep on the sofa again. Theoretically, I can leave,but as we have a business together etc, it makes it difficult. I have filled out the forms for a legal separation as a single applicant. I have an appointment with our accountant end of next week and then goingto see a solicitor. Mine and my daughters happiness is paramount.

@Toliveanotherlife yes it sounds like his job is his priority not his family , so very sad ! I can’t belive people choose their job as their number 1 priority when if you drop dead tomorrow , the work will replace you straight away , next week even , but you can never replace your love and family life :( I think people don’t realise that you can always get a new job but you won’t get the same wife and family life once it’s been destroyed emotionally by poor choices . Marriage needs working on all the time to ensure everyone is happy and on the same page in life ! X

@Ilovebees 15 years in and it hasn't changed and now his continued lack of effort in our marriage and daughter is compounding an already stressed situation. It is very sad 😔 x

@Toliveanotherlife wow you got the ball rolling already , so proud of you ! Does your husband know you’re already doing all this paperwork or does he think you’re just scaring him with divorce and probably taking him back ? I don’t think he realises how serious this is ! Let him play his silly games , you’ll be gone soon and you’ll be so happy with your lovely innocent daughter 😘
yes it does sound a bit difficult with owning the business together , but you’ll get through it and it will all work out at the end for your benefit . Millions of people do this every day , so can you ! You sound like a strong independent woman and a great mum to your daughter who thinks about her daughter’s future and what’s best for her and you ! So I have to say big well done for getting things started , and also I love how you have your boundaries and limits , you don’t let anyone use you as a doormat ! Not many people can be as brave as you are 😍

@Ilovebees thank you 😊 I'm definitely not a walk over. He knows. He probably thinks I'm bluffing. As I'm director of the business, I have full access to accounts etc. He can't hide anything. It won't be forever because I eventually need a clean break. I feel ok at the minute but he get's my hecklesup when he's around. I lost myself being a wife and mother but since becoming post menopause I feel renergised. It's not going to be easy and I expect difficult times ahead but I need to keep going. Appreciate you taking the time to reply 🥰

Yes exactly ! Realistically , the most effort has to be made in long relationships , normally people settle down and think that’s it they don’t have to make any effort anymore , but this is so wrong and very bad attitude , that’s how so many marriages end unfortunalty as people don’t put any more efforts in to make each other happy anymore . They think that marriage is guaranteed ( together forever ) but it’s not at all . Well it’s totally HIS LOSS and he will soon realise that he lost a dimond while searching for stones . More often than not , People just take partners for granted when they get too comftable until it’s too late .and that’s what’s happened in your marriage . At least you can turn around and say you have tried so hard , but that’s the most you could do , if the other isn’t willing to change , then there is nothing left to do but to go seperate ways ! You deserve happiness and to feel loved x

@Ilovebees you've hit the nail on the head. He's become complacent, thinking I'm always going to be there. He hasn't tried so I don't know how he expects it to continue. I feel ok then have waves of sadness. Such a waste but like you said 'his loss' 😔

Wow your director of the business ! You’re so super smart and clever haha I’m so jelous ! No wonder you are so strong and independent ! This job must be quite stressful , I can imagine . And ofcourse there will be some ups and down ahead but you have to focus on the end goal , baby steps are better than no steps , you will get there eventually and you’ll be soo soo happy you’re finally free and not having to second doubt your partner actions and this horrible gut feelings , only you and your daughter to think about , how nice does this sound ? 😍I’m sure everything will come together slowly, but surely ! Like you said you got to keep going and as you have already started the paperwork , there is no going back now . Just remember all the reasons why you doing it and no amount of sweet talk from your husband can change your mind ! He had 15 years to make you happy and he didn’t appreaciate anything you did for him and your family . And most important he didn’t care about your feelings and left you upset and crying multiple times , so very unacceptable .

@Ilovebees I wouldn't go that far but thank you. Daughter is off to bed and he's not here and not bothered. I just know he'll roll up later or tomorrow and say why didn't you contact me, I could've had an accident or something 🤔obviously my fault for not contacting HIM!! I'm just ready for my life back and to not be second guessing someone messing with my head. Takes the menopause to lift the dark cloud 🥰

@Toliveanotherlife aww yes ofcourse it’s going to be very very very sad for a long time yet , until it really kicks in , this is totally normal and it means your a human with feelings . But after all , you been with his man for a long long time so it’s understandable that it’s going to hurt no matter how you felt towards him , he was big part of your life for such a long time and now it’s all going to change and feel very strange and different for some time , but time is a healer and it’s so very true , I can say it from personal experience .but remember what doesn’t kill you always makes you stronger 💪🎉 and yes totally his loss , let it be a lesson for him to be learnt that you can’t just give up on your marriage and stop making any kind of effort to show each other how much you’d do anything for them even when married , it needs working on all the time ! I’m glad you have made your decision loud and clear , hopefully it will all go as smooth as possible for you without your husband kicking off when he gets home , hopefully he can act like an adult about it x

@Toliveanotherlife he can say whatever he wants, don’t contact him , he’d just be looking for attention from you ! He is hoping you’ll text him back and say I’m so sorry about what I said earlier I don’t want a divorce that’s what he’s hoping for . He doesn’t want to seem desperate so he’s waiting on you to be that desperate one .. because for 15 years you have done so , you have always been there and never left whatever had happened in the past . And if he says why didn’t you contact me , could have had an accident, you can say sorry we are over and you’re not my responsibly any more . I mean what could you possibly do if he did have an accident ,I’m sure him ringing an ambulance would be his first choice or whoever is nearby to ring for him , not calling you for help . Obviously all he’s doing is thinking about himself not about how his poor wife must be feeling to say I want a divorce in the first place , ain’t he worried about why you feeling this way 😫😭all he knows you could be feeling suicidal right now about all of this situation or crying your eyes out ,but is he checking up on you ? BIG fat NO , he’s so stubborn .

@Ilovebees exactly this. He's looking for me to run after him. I just feel a sharp pain in my heart and a nervousness for the immediate future but I need to outwardly be strong, even though I'm a mess inside. Daughter has made a few comments today about him always being on his phone and she asked me where he is and I said I don't know. Outwardly she's not bothered but I know she's been upset. There was tears a few nights ago and we talked about the situation. I said that if 2 people aren't happy there's no point in staying together. I've said no matter what happens he is your Dad but if he doesn't bother that's on him not her and it's up to her whether she gives him the time of day and there's no pressure from me. There's been a lot of hugs, kisses and reassurance that I'm not going anywhere and will always look after her. It's just so bloody hard 😫

Aww I’m so sorry to hear that , yes it’s going to be soo hard and sad for your daughter as she is so young and she will not understand completely what it means not to be happy together as adults , she will surely be a little confused about it all , even devastated I can imagine , but you got to do what’s best for both of you as an adult, she won’t know it yet that it’s best for both of you but hopefully when she’s older she will realise what it all ment and that you was trying to give both of you a better future , I’m sure she will come to appreaciate it in the future once she understands . And she will surely appreciate you for showing her the standards of how women should be treated by husbands and when to walk away and not to stay in unhappy marriages . I know it will all fall on your shoulders , all this sadness about losing your partner plus seeing your little girl sad , but you have to remain strong ! You really do , it has to be done . I don’t think anyone would be happy to be in your position right now , but sometimes you have to do what’s best for your future and put your strong feelings at the back of your mind forcefully , at least while you’re trying to get it all sorted as smooth as you possible can, so not to try to stress your daughter out @🫡💪❤️

@Ilovebees it definitely will be on my shoulders. Good job I'm not fragile otherwise it would be horrendous. He's not looked at his whatsapp since 1855. I have a feeling he's at one of 2 mate's houses probably drinking. Be interesting when he turns up, likely tomorrow. I'll be steadfast. I don't need this in my life anymore. He can be someone else's problem.

@Ilovebees he's just walked in. Not a word from him.