seperation from husband

[Toliveanotherlife]

Hi, not sure what I'm expecting, just really need a hand hold and some solid advice as I'm falling apart. I have no friends to confide in and my family have been disowned (another story). I am on my own literally.

Always had issue's in our relationship and then marriage, mainly him with money issue's, female work colleague boundaries (you get my drift). We worked through it or so I thought. We have our own business and moved to a lovely house with land because we have horses, dogs etc, the dream. We have one daughter who's nearly a teenager. I have gone through my own struggles with the menopause and have not been easy to live with. He has been supportive. We have supported each other through a lot.

He is under pressure with work, is constantly on his phone and doesn't spend anytime with me or our daughter. Has told me he is selfish for pursuing his hobby, which takes him out of the house one day every weekend whilst the season is on. I am given no time on my own, even though it has been agreed previously.

He has been working with a woman who he has said is very good looking. He is nearly 50, she's 28ish I think (just for context). He has previously shown me his phone and looking at the messages he has been over friendly. There is absolutely nothing in her replies which were few and far between. It is all him. I did warn him about it and he said he would stay professional. He told me there is nothing going on but gut says he's very interested in her. He deletes messages even though he says there's nothing to hid. Massive red flag, I am not delusional.

I have been asking him to sort things out for months. Less mobile phone, more time spent together. I got the spiel but nothing materialised. I told him if nothing improved I want a legal seperation. I blew my top on sunday after a few things and said I am done. I want to seperate and I wasn't interested in anything he had to say going forward. He has taken me at my word and ignored me. He won't discuss anything.

I have asked him to move into the spare bedroom but he has not returned home to sort it out.

I'm not sure what to do. I have cried away from my daughter and not been unkind about him in front of her but god it's difficult. I want to scream and shout at him and ask him why he could just ditch me like that after 15 years.

I have felt trapped for so long and so unhappy in my marriage and really should be feeling good but I don't. Just need words of wisdom. Thank you for reading.

@Toliveanotherlife yay exactly , he can be someone else problem ! Let him play his silly mind games , he’s the loser at the end of it . You can’t be the loser because you ended it not him . Funny how he thinks ignoring you and making you worried about him not being at home is going to make you worried and check up on him haha ! You won’t and that's for sure . He’s an adult and can be responsible for himself ! Might make him realise that you’re being serious for the first time and it could actually be over ! He won’t know what’s coming yet ! He’s not your problem , let him stay out do whatever he wants , he’s not your husband any longer . You’re checked out emotionally . Well done . Xxx stay strong , let me know when he gets home and what he says 😜

Wow what a man child 🤐😭

Feel for you OP. What a carry on.

Stay strong. You sound resilient but if not-chat to us.

This. He's got a right face on him. I looked at him and felt nothing, that says alot to me 🤔

😭 what is he really thinking ???? Does he really think you’re messing around ? I think you should ask him straight out right now what’s wrong with him and see what he says , break the ice ! Sounds like he won’t !

He won't answer me so no point trying. It's a waste of energy on my part. Maybe he's realised I'm serious. I normally break the ice, try and sort things out, send him memes etc but I haven't done any other that. I've stayed stoic in my resolve.

Oh wow so if he doesn’t answer then ofcourse forget about it ! He’s ignoring you like you don’t exist , might as well talk to a wall like tou said . Sorry he’s being like this . No normal adult would act like a 4 year old kid in a mood .
what is he doing now ? Is he sorting the bedroom out ?
But the funny thing is that while he ignores you , he’s making the situation so much worse and you’ll hate him even more for his behaviour . And he doesn’t even want to consider this thought . Maybe he truly doesn’t care and wants to make you look like the bad guy who ruined everything , when in reality it’s been him all along .

@Ilovebees he's sat in the kitchen. I'm in the living room. He came and asked me if I wanted a drink. I looked at him calmly and said 'no thank you.' Not sure if he was waiting for me to ask him where he was, I didn't ask. He'll either sleep on the sofa again or crawl into bed later on. He's definitely not sorting out the spare room. He is definitely making the situation worse by not talking. Who knows what is going on in his head.

@Toliveanotherlife awwwhhh ! It seems like he’s starting to notice that you’re not being your usual self and getting a bit of anxiety about it , and specially you not asking where he was which to him is very unusual . I think he’s starting to realise it’s REAL . Offering you a drink after ignoring you ? 😂 seems like he’s trying to break the ice now , after realising you have totally given up and not nagging him to speak up . Well done woman ! So proud of you to be honest to stand by your choice .
if he climbs into bed tonight then that’s his last time as you’ll sort the spare bedroom out yourself tomorrow if he won’t , then he won’t have an excuse ! X

@Ilovebees it felt liberating if I'm honest. I've come up to bed so we'll see in the morning and thank you. Appreciate the advice and for cheering me on 😍. It is very difficult when you can't confide in family or friends 😔 x

Thank you too for talking to me :) I hope you can get some well needed rest and I’m always on here if you need to talk or have a rant or after some advice , okay lovely ? 😘 Good night to you and sleep well 🤗

@Ilovebees I will try. You have a good night too 😊 x

@Toliveanotherlife I stumbled upon your posts, and you've handled this situation admirably. It is time to speak to a solicitor(maybe before the accountant), as he/she may advise you not to tell the accountant much, since your husband would have to be apprised of it. If you don't keep a journal, you might want to keep one, just so you have an accounting of goings on. You never know what might matter later. Keep it in a safe place. Most important, as a product of divorce at about the same age as your daughter, I can tell you she probably senses something is really off & is quietly terrified. It also sounds like he doesn't even give her the time of day. She may also be afraid to talk to you because she doesn't want to upset you. Kids know. Is their someone who can mind the business while you & your daughter take a mini holiday, just 2-3 days some place nice to talk about what's going on. Be honest. But, be sure to tell her he will always be her father & their relationship doesn't need to change, however scant it might be. Depending on your daughter, it might be a good idea for her to meet with a counselor for a few sessions to deal with the emotions of all this. It might be good for you too. But, as I said before, you have done very well. Now it is all about sticking to your decision. He will not change. Remind yourself of that liberating feeling you had. Just remember, kids pick up on everything. Communication is crucial. Best of luck to you both. Lose the tosser!

@OriginalFloorboards so sorry I missed your post. Thank you. Trying to be strong 😊

@Maddox44 thank you for your advice. Unfortunately we don't have the support to go away for a couple of days, much as I'd love to escape. Definitely agree on counselling for my daughter. Hsha lose the tosser, agreed 👍

You have had a lot of great replies , so hopefully I am not repeating too much .

It seems like a difficult situation with your husband . I think you need to consider the intention of your husband in continuing with the inappropriate messages when you have flagged up your concerns . I assume that he is the boss of the 28 year old and if so he is putting himself in a vulnerable situation legally from any employment claims .
Secondly , if the woman concerned had given him any encouragement - do you think he would have taken things further ?
It isn't really an excuse that nothing happened , if that was only because the other person wasn't interested in this .

Menopause , relationships becoming a bit boring etc can all contribute to marital difficulties at this stage of life . It doesn't however excuse him from treating you poorly and taking you for granted .

I don't think it is a bad thing that he has been away . He may have done done so in a fit of pique . To show you how life would be without him .
Use this time - think about what is best for you and your child . You deserve to be happy and to be treated with respect . I think going forward if you do want your marriage to survive , you would both need some ( joint ) counselling . Show your child what a good relationship can be . Good luck .

@imfae thank you for your reply and advice. No he is not her boss, he just works with her. I think he would've taken it further if she'd given him the green light, even though he would of course deny that. He is away often which is a relief. Know when he comes back I'm anxious. It's just not a good feeling. I blew my top on saturday, couldn't keep it in. Told him to step up as a parent. He then took our daughter to get some animal feed and to have a reassuring conversation with her, which, after talking to her she feels happier.
He's left for work for the week after enjoying his hobby today.

The spare room? Fuck that. Tell him to move out. If he can't right away, he can stay with a friend or relative. He obviously does not intend to work on this marriage. He intends to cheat if he can get somebody to cheat with him, and to continue to ignore you and your daughter. He may not be cheating with this woman, but if so it's only because she is not interested. He will find somebody who is. He sucks. I'm sorry.

Well done!

@XChrome unfortunately there is no option to move out the moment so spare room it is. He's not here a lot anyway so makes no difference. Yeah, that's the feeling I get. 15 years of loyalty gets you nothing. I can hold my head high because I'd never do that to someone. He knows the seperation forms are filled in on the kitchen table. You're right........it sucks.

Hugs to you. You are doing the right thing and yes, you can hold your head high. You have behaved honorably.

@XChrome thank you, much appreciated. Don't get me wrong, it's hard as hell but I'm distracting myself to get through it. Life needs to keep moving, need to keep it as normal as possible for my daughter and my animals don't care as long as they are fed 😁