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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lovely, kind man in my life

31 replies

Shortperson · 28/06/2024 16:43

I’ve met a sweet man through a mutual hobby. He’s warm, kind, fun and would do anything for me. We’ve been friends for around two and have grown close.

I’m a Christian and have had only one relationship which was my ex husband. I’ve got grown up children and I live on my own. This man respects my feelings and does not push me about moving what we have forward.

He’s self employed and generous with his time and money. He works hard to please me and we enjoy each other’s company. We are 50/60s.

when I met him he was renting in one place but had move as someone burgled his place and stole a lot of money.so he moved to another flat. He’s been married twice before and has two grown up children whom he hasn’t seen for 10 months…I guess they’ve drifted apart?

I’ve never met his family, friends or children but he’s met mine and comes to my home but never stays over I’m not ready for that yet. He seem’s very much alone before he met me, his life is a mystery to me and I tell him so!

Recently there was a problem where he lived and he had to leave and was sleeping in his car until a mutual acquaintance offered him a room in her home and he’s been there since.

I pushed him a bit to sort his finances out from his second marriage which will take months/a year. I’ve no idea about his finances or where he lived previously. I feel it’s not my business as we sort of, living for the now. I’m settled in my life and he’s sorting his out, slowly.

A friend met this man about year ago and told me to be careful as he thought this man was a chancer…I took no notice, then I had a phone from a person recently who knew this man through his line of business and told me various things that did worry me…not criminal but telling me he’s a scammer, can’t be trusted, very critical. I mentioned this to him and he denied it all and seemed upset. I don’t what to make of it.

Recently he has started to get a little ‘hot and heavy’ (if you know what I mean) and I exp;aired again that I have certain values and that I’d like him to be settled financially but could we just carry on as we are?

He seemed a bit miffed and told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore, he was hurt and upset and felt he’d been ‘mugged off’. He rang me the next day, furious, emotional and very upset I never seen him like that before. He’s to;d me he’s been aggressive with people if they upset him in the past but never with me, until now.

it’s gone a bit sour. We are now talking but I’ve seen a side of him I didn’t like.

I don’t want to be cynical but I do have my own place and he’s in one bedroom in his late 50’s I’m just wondering if he had another agenda?

what do you guys think?

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 28/06/2024 16:46

Run. Run fast. Don't look back.

ShrubRose · 28/06/2024 16:47

Run!

Many, many bright red flags.

CalicoPusscat · 28/06/2024 16:48

He's a no go - the aggression will get worse and he shouldn't be trying to push you into anything

Ratfinkstinkypink · 28/06/2024 16:51

Be cynical. Be very, very cynical. He's not who he's led you to believe he is.

Oneearringlost · 28/06/2024 16:51

OP, read that back out loud and imagine this is a dear friend telling you this.
What would you think?

Shortperson · 28/06/2024 16:52

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Horses7 · 28/06/2024 16:57

Yikes! Let him go asap!

Shortperson · 28/06/2024 16:59

I will immediately…!

lucky escape…

OP posts:
Sookafatwan · 28/06/2024 17:04

what is hot and heavy??

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 28/06/2024 17:04

Oh my word. He sounds exactly like my ex. Looking at a lot of the details, I thought it even could be him, seeing as he's always sniffing around older or single women, being such a Nice Guy ™ (he's not...) and trying to weasel his way in with them, because essentially he's a failure. They serve him meals while he's running about doing their menial DIY tasks, he gives them special hugs 🤮they think he's so great because he talks about his child (who he barely makes effort with 🙄).

Run! He is damaged goods and he's been playing nice to get his feet under your table. Protect your life and your house. He's not worth it, emphatically, no!

MoonintheStreet · 28/06/2024 17:05

I’m not seeing the ‘lovely kind man’. I’m seeing an aggressive loner who is secretive about his past, who seems to drift around in terms of accommodation (why was he sleeping in his car if he’s financially ok?), was twice married but isn’t in touch with his adult children, and whom you’ve been repeatedly warned about by friends on both financial and personal grounds.

This isn’t the kind of situation Jesus meant when he said ‘Turn the other cheek’ or ‘Blessed are the meek’. End things asap, and make sure he doesn’t have a key.

MavisPennies · 28/06/2024 17:06

Others have told you who he is and now he's shown you.
Dump & block.

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 28/06/2024 17:09

Also I find that a lot of self employed tradespeople are in that situation because they can't work with others....red flag in itself if it's coupled with other personality issues. He doesn't deserve you, you can do better.

GatherlyGal · 28/06/2024 17:11

Sorry OP but he's been laying the groundwork and now the mask is slipping.

Also there's nothing wrong with being cynical. That's your gut talking and you should listen.

thestudio · 28/06/2024 17:12

This is meant kindly OP - I think you should have some therapy to address why you have consistently ignored so many obvious red flags and in particular the warnings from two other people (you can be sure that many others will have wanted to warn you but felt it best to keep out of it.)

Why do you think you did that?

Opentooffers · 28/06/2024 17:13

He's been waiting in hope that you'd offer for him to live with you - don't do it.
You are not on a level playing field, so I'd give it a miss.

Quirkyme · 28/06/2024 17:14

Surely, you have more sense than this.

Come on.

MoonintheStreet · 28/06/2024 17:15

thestudio · 28/06/2024 17:12

This is meant kindly OP - I think you should have some therapy to address why you have consistently ignored so many obvious red flags and in particular the warnings from two other people (you can be sure that many others will have wanted to warn you but felt it best to keep out of it.)

Why do you think you did that?

I think that’s fair.

MILTOBE · 28/06/2024 17:19

QueensOfTheVolksAge · 28/06/2024 17:09

Also I find that a lot of self employed tradespeople are in that situation because they can't work with others....red flag in itself if it's coupled with other personality issues. He doesn't deserve you, you can do better.

Yes, I've noticed that! Not only can they not work with others, they can't deal with any kind of restrictions, such as being at someone's house on time, sticking to the budget, leaving on time, taking the right amount of time for lunch, etc. Not all tradespeople are like that, but in my experience the majority have been like that.

MILTOBE · 28/06/2024 17:21

I agree with others about you needing to talk to a counsellor. This man is waving red flags right in your face and you still wanted to give him another chance.

If you let him, he would take absolutely everything from you.

You've done really well not letting him stay over - you stayed firm when he told you he was sleeping in his car. You should be proud of yourself for that. However, men like this wear women down and before they know what's hit them, the guy's moved in and the chance of getting him out easily is very, very slim.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 28/06/2024 17:22

He's trying to be a cock lodger

allaboardtheplaybus · 28/06/2024 17:22

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Ilovebees · 28/06/2024 17:25

There a reason he WAS married twice and not anymore , run !

Shortperson · 28/06/2024 17:27

I agree about cock lodger absolutely.

it didn’t work with me and this is the first sign of agression in the two years I’ve known him. I supsected him when I got the phone call but the aggression finished me off.

im pretty astute and he’d done nothing to upset me up until yesterday.

Don’t worry guys you just told me what I knew already

OP posts:
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