On the edge of an affair

[Unhappywife8]

I’m really unhappy in my marriage but it is not one I can easily get out of.

We have struggled with intimacy the whole time we have been married, he just doesn’t seem to have any sex drive. No physical reason for this, had checks at drs not low in testosterone or anything. Doesn’t watch porn to my knowledge or masturbate. Doesn’t seem to find anyone attractive in the sense guys usually do. When we are intimate he doesn’t have an issue performing and I know he isn’t taking any tablets for performance. But it is very mechanical, little foreplay etc.

I’m now questioning if he could be gay which of course he denies. We argue a lot and he blames no sex drive on that but we don’t have intimacy even when we don’t argue.

have been telling him how miserable I feel for years and he does nothing about it, and as much as I have a sex drive I’m totally turned off having sex with him because of his lack of desire.

I am quite a moral person in that I don’t like cheating etc but I am desperate to be in a different relationship with someone who desires me and who brings a bit of joy to my boring miserable life. Has anyone else been in this scenario? I’ve basically told him we are over which is met with a wall of silence and then half assed efforts but because of various factors we can’t divorce currently and I’m just in this awful mental torture limbo situation.

Waiting for him to be different has been your downfall. Formalise your separation and move on. An affair is never the answer.

My heart goes out to you, I don't think it will get any better.
The best you can hope for is slightly more regular half hearted 'duty' sex and I'm not sure that's any better than no sex.

Both of you have outstayed your welcome in each others lives.

I can't imagine sailing in a ship that's slowly sinking.

Don't cheat or have an affair. Spell it out to him that the relationship run it's course long ago and sacrifices on both sides are now going to have to be made to extricate yourselves from the marriage and set yourselves free.

Thank you for the responses. I know it’s run its course long ago but he has said he will make my life hell. We live in a house which we can’t sell currently, and am scared what it will do to the kids.

You're in an abusive relationship. Don't let him threaten you into staying with him. You need to seek advise to safely leave him especially with kids in the mix.

Sounds like he's withholding sex as a kind of punishment another abusive thing to do.

(I nearly said maybe he's got a low drive until you replied about him threatening you. You need to get out soon as you can. Keep safe.)

An affair on your part would give him the moral high ground. Don't do that, he doesn't deserve it. Just make your plans and leave as soon as you can.

I just don’t know how to formally seperate while living under same roof and how to do it in a not confusing way for the kids. I need to move on and can’t imagine not dating etc whilst separating because I’ve been checked out for a long time

This is my reality

However my husband is lovely but yes, I did have to ask him if he was gay

It's very sad I'm 34 and he's 50 - young children so I'm stuck for the foreseeable

He threatened you? That's terrible. Can you afford for both of you to live separately?

So sorry to hear you are going through a tough time too. It’s so often talked about the other way round isn’t it, guys wanting sex and women having a low drive. I’m sick of living like this it’s so lonely. What did he say when you asked him? I’m not convinced that he isn’t gay

Unfortunately not

Anyone who swears to make your life hell if you leave is someone you need to leave.

But why is he so adamant that you can't? If he's totally unconnected, what is it that he doesn't want to lose? I don't care for his sake but it'll explain the situation better.

You want the best of all worlds. An affair isnt an answer. He'd make your life hell when he finds out.

Any single man who chases a married woman with kids is a selfish heartless dick to be avoided in my opinion. Nothing good will come out of it, just complications. Don't even go there. If the person you have in mind is married it will be fun for him and a lifeline for you. What happens if this lifeline gets cut off? Or your affair somehow comes to light? You are standing to lose so much. Don't do it. Contact Women's Aid and get the separation process rolling.

Adding a third party into the mix will only make it worse and another bloke isn't the answer to your problems. You need to work out a way to separate and eventually divorce. Why isn't the house selling?

House can’t be sold currently because we’d lose a lot of money so isn’t on the market yet, also wouldn’t be able to afford to buy locally so would upset my D who is very happy at school and clubs.

I have no idea. He says he loves me. But this is another reason I think he might be gay because I don’t understand why anyone would want to stay in a relationship where you are getting no satisfaction, no desire etc. He would probably be scared of losing custody of the kids and as the minimal earner myself he’d stand to lose a lot financially.

Men have a much higher tolerance for maintaining the status quo, regardless of how unhappy the relationship is.

Possibly true but wouldn’t they also have a higher likelihood of seeking satisfaction elsewhere? I don’t think he would make my life hell in the sense you think. Yes he’d use it against me but I don’t think it bothers him in the least when other guys are interested in me from past experience

You mean you'd be ok with him having an affair as it would green light your potential one?! No, I think some husbands are happy enough with the daily drudgery and if his libido is low then he'll not be bothered about chasing other women. Its a bit of a stretch to assume he's gay unless there have been signs.

The only signs I would say are that he is clearly uncomfortable even talking about anything sexual with me, has no interest in any woman, is homophobic, has no guy friends

Not to green light me having an affair no.

Would I be sad if he had an affair? Yes, but also relieved in some ways that he wasn’t gay and also hurt that he found someone else attractive but never me. I think mainly I’d be sad that I wasted so much of my life in a marriage with him.

Try and spice things up a bit then, you're still having sex and you want it. If he was a bit more enthusiastic then you can build on that. There must be certain things he likes/liked.

Asexual.
Sorry.
(For myself, it would have been a blessing).
Anyway, the best thing would really be to get out.
❤️

I’m just too checked out to even attempt to spice things up now after continually trying and being rejected and I’ve not had sex for about 3 months with him.