On the edge of an affair

[Unhappywife8]

I’m really unhappy in my marriage but it is not one I can easily get out of.

We have struggled with intimacy the whole time we have been married, he just doesn’t seem to have any sex drive. No physical reason for this, had checks at drs not low in testosterone or anything. Doesn’t watch porn to my knowledge or masturbate. Doesn’t seem to find anyone attractive in the sense guys usually do. When we are intimate he doesn’t have an issue performing and I know he isn’t taking any tablets for performance. But it is very mechanical, little foreplay etc.

I’m now questioning if he could be gay which of course he denies. We argue a lot and he blames no sex drive on that but we don’t have intimacy even when we don’t argue.

have been telling him how miserable I feel for years and he does nothing about it, and as much as I have a sex drive I’m totally turned off having sex with him because of his lack of desire.

I am quite a moral person in that I don’t like cheating etc but I am desperate to be in a different relationship with someone who desires me and who brings a bit of joy to my boring miserable life. Has anyone else been in this scenario? I’ve basically told him we are over which is met with a wall of silence and then half assed efforts but because of various factors we can’t divorce currently and I’m just in this awful mental torture limbo situation.

Thanks for your post. I did consider if he was asexual - do you think the signs I’ve discussed really suggest this? My understanding of asexuality (I’m probably wrong) is that there would still be some attraction to people but not a desire to act on it?

@Unhappywife8 'please don't be so ridiculous darling'

We had been having polite sex for years (the children were conceived after all) but he doesn't masturbate, frowns upon porn and I've never even heard him comment on a celebrity being attractive

I keep myself in fairly good order and could have myself an affair, but ultimately I cannot risk my children's home and stability

My sex life is not more important than my children, but I am so lonely and frustrated

Well, certain desire or curiosity!
By the way, there is a big gap between
desire and actually realising it.
And - fantasy is almost always better than reality.

Ask him about an open relationship. Tell him he has no right to expect you to go years without affection. If he's not bothered, then have your affair.

He is making life hell right now. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life being unhappy you have to act. It doesn't make sense that the house can’t be sold currently and wouldn’t be able to afford to buy locally. I mean if you are buying and selling in the same market, if your house has fallen in value so should other houses you might want to buy. If your houses rises in value so should the value of the smaller house you might want to buy. Or is it halfway through a renovation and is devalued by that?

I am afraid that your daughter will just have to adapt aobut her her school and clubs. She will be eventually leaving home and going off to live her own life leaving you with your dreadful husband. Do not martyr yourself so she can have the same school and clubs.

Get legal advice and move things along. An affair is just a temporary distraction and not a solution.

You would be surprised how many people are in the same boat.
I haven't had sex for 4 years and in only mid 30's. DH mid 40's. He just isn't interested. I've asked if he's gay, which he denies.
He does however use porn and tells me sometimes that he has masturbated if I ask.
It's horrible. Like a PP said though, my sex life is not more important than my children's stability, my son has additional needs and is in the best school, I can't move us all.
This may be controversial but honestly I would have an affair at this point 🤷🏻‍♀️

All these men who dont want sex but like a wank - what are they thinking of/watching?

I'm not really sure what my DH watches, but is not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

You just need to figure out how you can move out s add me financially support yourself.

If this has been going on for years then you need to start being proactive and figure out how you can leave.
Separating but living together rarely works.

Could you live parents, a single friend or house share?
There are jobs that have accommodation included in them which may be an option.

What job do you have currently?

If you’re arguing all the time, it won’t result in great sex.🤷‍♀️

If you’re not happy, then call it a day, and move on. An affair will just complicate it more.

Would you say this to a man?

If you’re not happy with the lack of sex, then you leave.

You don’t offer an ultimatum of an open relationship or an affair.

This question is asked daily on here in one way shape or form. One partner wants sex, one doesnt. Nobody recommends affairs/pornography/sex workers for obvious reasons but there must be alternatives. Been racking my brains and am reminded of French nouvelle vague film Jules et Jim. A menage a trois if you like. Wasnt a happy ending though.

Either have a fling which could end in tears emotionally. Or call it a day on your marriage. Do you want to live with this for the rest of your life. If the answer is no you will have to do something.

Do not have an affair.

And I say this as someone who totally understands as I am in this same situation. Young kids, can't leave, main earner in my family. DP doesn't want to have sex with me. In my case I'm pretty sure that it's because he doesn't like me anymore, but he's trapped because of young DC and finances. Honestly it makes me feel like fucking shit. I'm only 30 and haven't had sex in a year and a half. About six years ago we almost broke up over this issue, he promised he'd be better, it lasted about 6 weeks in which I got pregnant, then back to status quo.

It's gotten to the point where I can't initiate or talk about it because it's too traumatic to keep being rejected, or to have genuinely awful sex in which he can't finish.

But an affair is not the answer. You need to be honest and leave, or accept that all lives contain sadness, and this is yours. I personally find it hardest to accept that this is my life when I'm going through stages of feeling really attracted to someone else, but also at this stage I feel so broken and hideous I can't imagine ever dating again in any case.

Come on, what man is going to accept that offer. Either he will also want to sleep around, and the OP will be well and truly heartbroken. Or his sex drive is low, and he won't want to. Perhaps his self esteem is low too. Very few men I know would be happy with their wives sleeping around while they sit at home, whether or not they want to sleep with them.

I personally would fucking love an open relationship. It would be amazing. Being able to have a loving and sexual relationship without disrupting my children's lives is the dream. But I will never suggest it because I know that I'd be treated dreadfully and he'd never accept.

The options for most people are stay or leave.

I did actually suggest an open relationship but every time I mention anything he just makes out I’m being ridiculous and that he does fancy me. Then does fuck all to show it.

Leave him first. Affairs are awful.

So sorry to hear you’re going through it too. You’re right it feels fucking shit. I get what you’re saying about the kids, but I’m at the point now where I think actually in the long run it would be healthier for them for me to split with their father and be with someone that makes me feel happy and alive

The kids are worse off seeing you being mistreated than they would be if you left.
Why can't you sell the house?
He is already making your life hell, so that's a pretty hollow threat.

I'm sure that it would be much better for them!! I really think if you can then leaving would be better for you, him and your children. I really would leave before finding that someone though. That way you really are setting up a good future, otherwise that relationship will always be tainted and I think much harder for your children to understand.

I hope to leave one day. It's not the right time for me yet and I keep thinking that things will change but realistically it's been about ten years so I doubt it.

I urge caution. If building a new life with someone who makes you happy and alive was that easy the world wouldn't be full of struggling single mums. I have a lot of single friends I know what I am talking about. Thinking you will have a happy ever after with this guy- this is the excitement of an affair speaking to you, it's not rational thinking. For a start, you will trust issues for as long as the relationship lasts. If the affair comes to light before your marriage is over- it's a whole set of complications. Even if you divorce it would be a big mistake to introduce a new man to your children too soon- they will grieving for the loss of life they knew. Don't do it. Break up contact and feelings will eventually pass. Sort your life first, no matter how long it takes. Give your children and yourself time to adjust, then go forward.