Feel like all the trust and respect has gone for me - can I find a way back?

[whiterose321]

Have been with husband a long time. 4 kids, 11 - 19. A decade ago I would have said we had quite a strong marriage - though he's always been quite crappy with his emotions (thanks, boarding school) and always had quite a quick temper. On the good side - loving and affectionate, does his fair share of the practical domestic stuff...

The past few years have not been easy. We've had to weather quite a lot of stress (one of our DC with a serious health issue, death of my mum - my dad died when I was young), and DH has made some really shit financial/career decisions that has made our future feel pretty uncertain. I had hoped the inheritance I got from my mum would be set aside to help each DC a modest amount through uni etc - but because of the bad choices DH has made, we've had to dip into this money constantly to support the family. There will probably be nothing left after the next few years - and I resent that.

It's really not where I expected to be in our early 50s, and not where I want to be. For richer and poorer and all that, but another problem is that he is so grumpy and irritable with it. He loses his temper constantly. Yes, he would probably argue that he feels under pressure to be the provider - but I look at my friend's marriages and see a lot of successful high earning men at the peak of their careers who provide for their family solely. I also work, but am freelance and my career took a big hit from 4 maternity leaves.

Ultimately I feel like I don't trust or respect him anymore. I am sick of him shouting at me whenever I express concern about future financial security - for both us and the kids.

Has anyone been through similar, and have you got through it? Before anyone suggests therapy, he refuses to go...

I hear you op. No-one deserves being shouted at.

And I understand how difficult it is when both of your attitudes toward saving are fundamentally different. I think if he has made unilateral decisions in the past then it would be understandable if you put some of the inheritance away for your DC in the form of an ISA or equivalent? (Sorry if this has already been suggested, I haven't read the entire thread.)

Everyone underestimates the amount of savings they need for later life. An elderly neighbour I know had a stroke recently and is now paying £12,000 a month for their care. Apparently, this is not an unusually high sum.

I don't know what the solution to this impasse is. Maybe spend some money on seeing a good financial advisor (get a personal recommendation from a trusted friend or colleague) and your DH may take the advice more readily from them ? It's maddening but it might get the end result you want? Good luck.

@JumalanTerve - have you read my posts? Your points are wrong. I never criticised him for taking another job after redundancy, and I have moved on with my own career, pretty significantly in fact. I've also never, ever, asked my DH why he doesn't earn as much money as our wealthier friends - that would be silly, given most of them work in different fields!

(I will concede that privately, it does feel quite hard that pretty much all my friends seem in a far more secure position that we are. Quite a few of them don't have to work at this point. But hey ho...I wouldn't say that to DH, I only think about our position and circs.)

@Circularbreathing6789 - some great advice there, thank you x

Are you sure you know the full situation of your finances? Could he be earning more or less than he tells you? Is there any debt you don’t know about/ loans against the house etc? Is he being honest with you now or hiding something?

>But I don't think it's okay to presume all will be fine because the inheritance is here to fall back on.>

Could you put some of the inheritance in a separate account so that it appears to be running out faster? He seems to view it as bottomless and finding there's only a few 1000 £'s left might help him focus.

I hope you don't take this as criticism of you, or that your husband is not mainly responsible for the situation, but...

It's not helpful to keep having the same conversation over and over again.

The situation is what it is.

He will feel that given you have made your feelings clear once, every other reminder is effectively a criticism (even if not meant that way), feels like specific blame (however justified) and reinforces that he's the root cause of the situation.

You also need to stop looking to your friends as a benchmark - you are in different situations, and comparing yourselves to them is not helpful.

If you were to possibly change the focus from what's gone wrong (ie, the past), to what you could both do now and in the future, he might feel less pressured.

Make it clear that it's not about blame, that it's about planning for your futures.
He might be more positive about engaging in that sort of conversation.

I understand this probably sounds a bit like mollycoddling the poor man baby, but it feels like you're at an impasse currently, and if you want to resolve things in your marriage, it might be an approach.

Alternatively, if this is all a step too far, and you're done, then be honest with yourself and him!

You have to make your peace with the new reality or you need to separate.
Having the same conversation on the loop is destroying you both.

It is, what it is op. He may not meet your expectations or imagined life - but you are still together, have four children and much to be glad about. You both decided I assume to have so many children, it was always going to be expensive. Life does not unfold the way we wish. I would be losing my temper if someone kept going on and on about their expectations and how disappointed they are. It would drive me insane if I was doing my best.

I will concede that privately, it does feel quite hard that pretty much all my friends seem in a far more secure position that we are. Quite a few of them don't have to work at this point. But hey ho...I wouldn't say that to DH, I only think about our position and circs

You might not say this, but I bet he is aware of it, I bet he feels your disappointment ery acutely when you keep comparing yourself to others

This. Both people, in a marriage, need to contribute to the wealth.🤷‍♀️

I think I know how you feel op, I supported dh to grow his career and was the one who took a step back. He then got made redundant and decided he wasn’t getting another job and going self employed and didn’t work at all for 9 months while he retrained at which point all the redundancy money was gone.I found it incredibly hard. I tried to get another job but couldn’t progress beyond my pay level and we lost a third of our income as well as all the security. My lifestyle is now different and things are tight. It took me ages not to feel angry even though I knew that as an adult I was equally responsible for the finances, it was almost like a pact had been broken. I don’t know what my advice would be, but I guess I had to accept how very precarious a situation that had always felt quite secure and controlled could be. We also had some awful rows and terrible communication in this process - it is stressful m!