Feel like all the trust and respect has gone for me - can I find a way back?

[whiterose321]

Have been with husband a long time. 4 kids, 11 - 19. A decade ago I would have said we had quite a strong marriage - though he's always been quite crappy with his emotions (thanks, boarding school) and always had quite a quick temper. On the good side - loving and affectionate, does his fair share of the practical domestic stuff...

The past few years have not been easy. We've had to weather quite a lot of stress (one of our DC with a serious health issue, death of my mum - my dad died when I was young), and DH has made some really shit financial/career decisions that has made our future feel pretty uncertain. I had hoped the inheritance I got from my mum would be set aside to help each DC a modest amount through uni etc - but because of the bad choices DH has made, we've had to dip into this money constantly to support the family. There will probably be nothing left after the next few years - and I resent that.

It's really not where I expected to be in our early 50s, and not where I want to be. For richer and poorer and all that, but another problem is that he is so grumpy and irritable with it. He loses his temper constantly. Yes, he would probably argue that he feels under pressure to be the provider - but I look at my friend's marriages and see a lot of successful high earning men at the peak of their careers who provide for their family solely. I also work, but am freelance and my career took a big hit from 4 maternity leaves.

Ultimately I feel like I don't trust or respect him anymore. I am sick of him shouting at me whenever I express concern about future financial security - for both us and the kids.

Has anyone been through similar, and have you got through it? Before anyone suggests therapy, he refuses to go...

@minipie - expressing concern could be me saying 'DH, you said very clearly when you took this job that your income would take a hit for the first x months but then it would improve. This doesn't seem to be happening yet, and we are having to use the savings to pay the bills. Can you please give me an idea when this might happen, because it makes me feel worried about the future?'

Then he will inevitably start shouting and telling me I 'misunderstood' him in the first place. I am not an idiot. I know what was said when.

This is exactly how I’m seeing this. I don’t see how or what he’s done wrong?

I agree with much of this.

I had five children with a very high earning husband and had 'expectations' for their futures. Split up with husband and ended up with five children for which he didn't pay a penny whilst I was on benefits and working. I had to downgrade my expectations for the children - and every one of them, now adult, has made themselves a very good life, most of them are high earners. I couldn't even contribute to their university costs bar slinging them the odd £20 here and there - and it really hasn't held them back.

Ok, so clearly he was over optimistic about the income increasing. Maybe you were putting pressure on him to get a higher paid job and he felt he needed to tell you that this one would be in time? (Apologies if this was not the case). Either way, he feels cornered.

It’s definitely not good that he was over optimistic then and is gaslighting you now about what he said originally, and I can see why this makes you angry (it would me too) but suspect this reflects him feeling insecure and criticised.

Perhaps instead of saying “when will it increase” ask him “is it likely to stay at this level? if so then that’s fine but we need to make plans on that basis”.

leaving a job without a new one to go to because he was 'bored', not getting proper legal advice on a business deal that resulted in a loss of money, forgoing contributions to a pension in lieu of equity that didn't materialise etc

Did he involve you in these decisions? Or does he think financial / career decisions are all down to him and you don’t get a say?

@Ihadenough22 - thanks. I work freelance because that's the nature of my industry means I work on contracts, which is obviously not ideal as I never quite know how much I will make month to month. I have been applying for salaried positions in a related field, but these roles are, unfortunately, very rare.

I will keep trying though. I am also looking at all income/outgoing and trying to make savings. The eldest does a part time job and I will encourage the younger ones once they reach the right age.

Thanks again for the suggestions but 'just tell DH you won't use the inheritance to prop up the family' doesn't quite work though. If the boiler breaks or someone urgently needs new shoes, for example, what are we supposed to do? And it's not just emergencies - in the past the combination of DH's old salary and my income meant that average month to month expenses was just about manageable, though we were hardly flush. Now, even though we are tightening the belt everywhere, we get to the end of the month and often there's not enough left for the bills...

And it's not just emergencies - in the past the combination of DH's old salary and my income meant that average month to month expenses was just about manageable, though we were hardly flush. Now, even though we are tightening the belt everywhere, we get to the end of the month and often there's not enough left for the bills...

Then you need to drastically reduce your bills. Now. It doesn't sound as if the raise is coming, assume it's not.

It’s unacceptable to shout and ‘kick off’. If this is what you mean by his ‘temper’ and its a longstanding issue, that’s not Ok

@minipie - I haven't really had a say in those. He knows they were decisions that ultimately made me unhappy, and in this latest change in role he did consult with me about the lower income and reassure me that it will all be ok.

Now, when I question it he throws back stuff like 'well, you do your job, I do mine!' and denies things he's said previously. We no longer feel like a team, at all 😓

I'd murder my husband if he left a job without having another lined up because he was 'bored'! I'm not surprised you are so angry - seems like he unilaterally makes decisions which impact you and the kids and then takes no responsibility for the consequences. An acknowledgement and apology would go a long way and neither is forthcoming!

The thing is, divorce is expensive. If you want to keep your house, then the pragmatic thing to do is to pull together and try to resolve the financial situation. I think I'd ask him to start looking for better paid work, since this one isn't panning out as anticipated. Take the blame out of it because those past decisions are done - you have to focus on digging your way out of this current situation. But I would make clear that he doesn't get to make any big financial decisions, like leaving a job or investing, without your agreement.
If there's money left from your inheritance, don't use any more of it for everyday expenses - cut out everything non essential, because eventually that money will run out. If you still had a chunk left, would it be worth using it to clear debt or reduce the mortgage?
If the house is bigger than you need, is it worth selling and downsizing and using the profit to keep the mortgage on the jew house as small as possible?
Can you change job to increase earning potential?

If you separated, I think it would he more expensive for both of you. You might decide to do it anyway in the future but in your shoes I'd put it off until stability has been gained.

You are allowed to use your mum's money to improve your life now and for your dc to benefit from the inheritance they get from you, rather than your mums money going directly to the kids. I know it's not what you wanted but this way there's a chance you'll be able to help them in future. And help doesn't have to be in the form of direct financial contribution - my DS saved the deposit for his fiat by living at home for a couple of years. We couldn't give him the deposit directly but we enabled him to be able to save for it himself. There's usually work arounds to help your kids.

@Loopytiles - I know. He thinks it's justifiable because apparently I make him stressed. I know he is trying. I know it's not like he's sitting around on his arse refusing to work while the kids go hungry. But I don't think it's okay to presume all will be fine because the inheritance is here to fall back on. It's happened too many times in recent years.

How much equity do you have in your property? I get the impression you must have a lot of money in the house. Will you be able to free up capital by downsizing once the children are independent / when you have retired. If you consider the past financial year, what percentage of the family income did you earn? I think you will have to get over the resentment if you want to improve your financial future. I can’t see how having two households to maintain will make you better off, unless you are living in a huge property now.

I think you are being a bit harsh with your DH op. I sympathise with your position but what are you trying to achieve when you "express concern" about your future financial security? Are you preparing to blame him or are you bringing solutions?

Your dh is obviously grumpy and upset because he feels guilt and upset around this situation, but if you want to have a productive conversation, he needs to trust that you will provide a sympathetic ear in to which he can place information. He knows he has screwed up. He doesn't need telling. And he probably senses your antagonism towards him and lack of respect which may be justified, but it's not going to help him get back on his feet if you express it constantly.

You need to decide whether you still want to be with him or not because lack of respect is a relationship killer. If you do, then maybe try a change of tactic to a more collaborative approach. Bring to him all the steps you are taking to improve your financial position; new clients, new marketing strategy, buying clothes for dc second hand, reducing food budget by meal planning, setting a savings objective, etc etc, and ask if he has any further suggestions?

Gaslighting is not OK either.

@ABirdsEyeView - thank you, some really brilliant advice here. I have also thought how expensive divorce is - I can't see how we'd remotely afford two homes with the way things are currently, it would be awful. We couldn't really downsize right now with 4 kids still at home (well, one at uni) but could do so in the future.

Tend to agree with this, it’s horrible being made redundant, I’ve been through that and it’s really difficult period and sometimes you just have to take what you can to keep the money coming in, even if it’s not what you want

@Circularbreathing6789 - thank you. I have, in the past, always attempted to be supportive to him and have 'believed' him with his own career and money decisions.

What can be infuriating is that he thinks I worry far too much, there's a bit of the old 'you could be hit by a bus tomorrow' attitude with him, whereas I am much more of a planner. Neither of us are 'wrong' in that respect. But I am resentful that he always thinks it's okay to fall back on the inheritance if necessary, whereas I really wanted to preserve that for our children. And I certainly don't deserve his temper when I express that.

@Fs365 - I get that and I know how difficult it is. I was initially very supportive in this instance, but I did also believe him when he said the lower income wouldn't last long. Coupled with the events of the past AND the bad moods and inability to communicate like an adult around this, I just feel immensely pissed off and upset.

Ok, getting a fuller picture now

I think you are absolutely right to be angry about past decisions - but you are acting that out by being angry about his current low income, which isn’t his fault (although the gaslighting is).

Maybe you could agree to draw a line under the past and not expect the impossible now (eg higher pay materialising) - but strictly on condition of 1) acknowledgment and apology from him of past mistakes and 2) full truthfulness and fully shared decision making about anything financial going forward. How would he react to that?

This is pretty spot on

OK, OP, here goes:

Years ago, when the DC were little, I felt very sorry for my XH because I knew he was disappointed with how his career turned out, so I let a lot of things go - cars, motorbikes, partying - while I just got my head down and made up the difference in income for the family. Over time though - and in light of the fact he never acknowledged the toll that working so hard, and being effectively a single parent to the DC while they were teens, took on me - my love, trust and respect for him just faded away. I realised his career was shit because he didn't work hard enough, basically, and in turn his poor choices took my choices away. Chuck in the shouting and it was time to call it a day. All I wanted, like you OP, was a secure roof over my head and a stop to the drama and uncertainty. He accepted that was reasonable actually. Once I called time, and 100% meant it, the divorce was amicable and we both got what we wanted: I got the family home (which I had always paid for anyway) and freedom to make my own choices, he got the flat he had occupied while working away during the week (which he had always paid for anyway) and freedom from any sense of responsibility for me or the DC.

Nearly ten years on and I'm mortgage-free on the family home, still working (a reasonable amount now!) and looking forward to a relatively comfortable retirement. I have a lovely DP who doesn't live with me and has no financial links to me at all. I'm happy. XH has a 100% buy to let mortgage on the flat, is living on the rental and investment income and in his poor deluded girlfriend's rented flat - if he's not camped in my DC's house when his gf chucks him out - and I don't like to contemplate the uncertainties he faces for his future, but he seems happy

I don't care if this is outing!

@MrsTerryPratchett - thank you. It is pretty spot on and I like the way you've put this! I told him recently that I'm at a point where I'm finding it extremely hard to get past how aggressively he communicates and I can't take much more of it. He seemed to get it seriously and apologised, however, this morning we had another similar episode and that's why I posted here.

Kind of feels like I'm banging my head against a wall at times.

I agree with this, I think you're being extremely harsh on him. Have you thought about it from his point of view?

• You compare him to the husbands of her friends and asks why he doesn't earn as much money as they do
• You criticise him for taking a job after he was made redundant
• You expect him to move on with his career while not moving on with your own

I can see where his reactions come from

I agree with this, I think you're being extremely harsh on him. Have you thought about it from his point of view?

• You compare him to the husbands of her friends and asks why he doesn't earn as much money as they do
• You criticise him for taking a job after he was made redundant
• You expect him to move on with his career while not moving on with your own

I can see where his reactions come from

@Cantabulous - that's a really inspiring story. Thank you...x