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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant with abusive ex - attacked me last night

65 replies

Lizzie67384 · 28/06/2024 09:25

Hello

Looking for advice I guess - I am 6 weeks pregnant with my abusive ex’s baby - he has made it clear he doesn’t want the baby and is furious (tbf to him the condom split, so we were using protection).

On Wednesday night he came over to watch me take the abortion pill, I felt like I couldn’t do it so he forced my mouth open and tried to get me to take it, I managed to spit it out but he punched me twice in the mouth and left saying if I continue with this he will ‘make my life hell’.

I am 35 and the mother of a 6 year old (not his) - I feel like this is my last chance to have a baby but obviously I’m really scared of what could happen - I genuinely felt like he could have killed me on Wednesday. He kept saying ‘I can see myself getting locked up tonight’

I wondered if anyone else has been in a similar position?

Thanks

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 28/06/2024 16:35

Do you really want to be tied to this for awful person for the rest of your life? Please think hard about what decision to make going forward.

silverhamster · 28/06/2024 16:59

Girlmom35 · 28/06/2024 09:33

I'm not going to tell you what to do about the baby.
But please, please, think long and hard about whether you really want to bring a baby into this world, which will tie you to this man for the rest of your life.

If you want another baby, you could go to a sperm bank, get an anonymous donor and be happy.

Just think of all the things he can do to you. He can get you involved in a long and expensive custody battle just to spite you. He can ask for visitation and abuse your child. He can try to stop you from going on holiday and leaving the country with your child. He can disappear and show back up again, doing god knows what psychological damage to your child - never feeling good enough, being abandoned and rejected by their father, .... And the courts won't protect you. Ask anyone here who's stuck raising a child with an abusive ex. They are never really out of your life and the fear that they will come back and cause damage is very real.

This. It's your body, your choice.

But, he doesn't want this baby and you would be tied to him for the next 18 years with him chipping away at your happiness and freedom.

My abusive ex used to verbally abuse and threaten me every time he picked up DC. Dragged his feet on CMS and claimed to be paying high rent to his parents to get out of having to contribute. DC reported being hit and I stopped contact, he went to court and not only got contact back (I managed to get it made supervised) but applied for, and got, parental responsibility too. He then tried to use his PR to make me change DCs surname to his, thought he had a right to a say in every aspect of my life and relationships, and where I lived. DC also had anger issues and inherited many traits from their father including their temper and as a teen, verbal abuse to me in which they sounded exactly like ex and looked intimidating and frightening to me like ex.

I only got any peace when after 25 years they moved out and later started dealing constructively with their anger issues. We now have a decent relationship, love and, being their mother, love wins out.... but for many years it was as if I'd escaped my abuser but been left with a younger version of them.
All because of one contraception mistake.

This wouldn't be everyone's experience, but it shows how this can play out.

silverhamster · 28/06/2024 17:02

Also

As PP's said, please call Womens Aid and also the police. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong and think clearly x

Iaskedyouthrice · 28/06/2024 17:03

Please think about this man being in your 6 year olds sphere @Lizzie67384 . That would not be fair on the poor child.
With regards to the assault, ring the police.

Ilovebees · 28/06/2024 19:28

I don’t get why someone is so desperate to bring a baby into this world even if it ment get pregnant by an abuser or criminal ?you know a baby is a human not a toy , they need a father if possible at all , but this baby won’t have a father from conception , guaranteed . Think about your child’s life not what you want . I think it’s very selfish of you . Sorry ….. this man is a nobhead , clearly and I would even move far far away so not to see his face ever again ! And I wouldn’t want to risk having his baby and the baby coming out looking like him , brings back horror memories . Don’t do it .

paasll · 28/06/2024 19:32

I'm very sorry to say this, but I would have an abortion under these circumstances, in order to prioritise your 6 yo and get both you and 6yo away from this abuser. By having a baby with the abuser, you will be tied to him for life and additionally, the baby will be 50% the abuser's.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 28/06/2024 19:32

Ilovebees · 28/06/2024 19:28

I don’t get why someone is so desperate to bring a baby into this world even if it ment get pregnant by an abuser or criminal ?you know a baby is a human not a toy , they need a father if possible at all , but this baby won’t have a father from conception , guaranteed . Think about your child’s life not what you want . I think it’s very selfish of you . Sorry ….. this man is a nobhead , clearly and I would even move far far away so not to see his face ever again ! And I wouldn’t want to risk having his baby and the baby coming out looking like him , brings back horror memories . Don’t do it .

Firstly I wasn’t ’desperate’ to get pregnant - we used contraception, which failed. If you’re going to comment - why not read the post properly?

I am generally against abortion (for myself, appreciate it’s everyone’s individual choice) which is the issue here.

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 28/06/2024 19:34

Girlmom35 · 28/06/2024 09:33

I'm not going to tell you what to do about the baby.
But please, please, think long and hard about whether you really want to bring a baby into this world, which will tie you to this man for the rest of your life.

If you want another baby, you could go to a sperm bank, get an anonymous donor and be happy.

Just think of all the things he can do to you. He can get you involved in a long and expensive custody battle just to spite you. He can ask for visitation and abuse your child. He can try to stop you from going on holiday and leaving the country with your child. He can disappear and show back up again, doing god knows what psychological damage to your child - never feeling good enough, being abandoned and rejected by their father, .... And the courts won't protect you. Ask anyone here who's stuck raising a child with an abusive ex. They are never really out of your life and the fear that they will come back and cause damage is very real.

Excellent advice.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 28/06/2024 19:35

Thanks for everyone who has commented - I have reported him to the police, they have logged it as an incident but are not going to interview him as the lady I spoke to said it would be my word against his and would be NFA’d.
I am very confident that he will not contact me again if I terminate, although I personally have never wanted to go through with an abortion, I feel this is the right decision to protect my son and myself. It’s very sad but it is what it is I guess - I’m very lucky to have one beautiful son.

thanks again for all the support

OP posts:
Catoo · 28/06/2024 20:18

I’m sorry OP.

I suspect he is the sort of unpleasant character who, despite what he has done, will use a termination against you by spreading it round etc.

If you do go ahead, I would suggest he needs to know nothing. Or that you simply say you miscarried after all.

Then block him on everything.

You are lucky to have DS as you say. Enjoy life being a wonderful mum to him. Stay away from poor quality from men from now on. Easier said than done I know.

Well done on escaping from him and his abuse. Keep letting the police know if he starts harassing you.

💐

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 28/06/2024 20:23

Catoo · 28/06/2024 20:18

I’m sorry OP.

I suspect he is the sort of unpleasant character who, despite what he has done, will use a termination against you by spreading it round etc.

If you do go ahead, I would suggest he needs to know nothing. Or that you simply say you miscarried after all.

Then block him on everything.

You are lucky to have DS as you say. Enjoy life being a wonderful mum to him. Stay away from poor quality from men from now on. Easier said than done I know.

Well done on escaping from him and his abuse. Keep letting the police know if he starts harassing you.

💐

Thank you for your kind words - that’s a good idea, I will say I miscarried rather than a termination - thanks, I definitely plan to!!!

OP posts:
Startingagainandagain · 29/06/2024 07:46

Actually OP I would escalate this with the police and make a formal complaint.

Their response is totally inadequate and unacceptable.

Speak to Women's Aid and they can support you with this as well.

It is mind boggling that after so many instances of women reporting stalkers and abusers to the police, action not being taken and then resulting in these women then being badly hurt of killed by these same men that the police would continue to make the same mistakes...don't let them fob you off.

LakeTiticaca · 29/06/2024 08:46

I think termination is the right decision. It's not something to be taken lightly and you will have regrets (I speak from experience) but it means you and your DC can be totally free of this nasty piece of work forever
Good luck xxx

Channellingsophistication · 30/06/2024 09:02

I think you are making the right decision, so difficult as it must be. Sending you strength. Then you and your DS can move on and have nothing further to do with that horrible man.

I have seen another thread on here about a woman having to send her DD by court order to her abusive ex, just heartbreaking.

Wishing you all the best

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/06/2024 09:08

Lizzie67384 · 28/06/2024 19:35

Thanks for everyone who has commented - I have reported him to the police, they have logged it as an incident but are not going to interview him as the lady I spoke to said it would be my word against his and would be NFA’d.
I am very confident that he will not contact me again if I terminate, although I personally have never wanted to go through with an abortion, I feel this is the right decision to protect my son and myself. It’s very sad but it is what it is I guess - I’m very lucky to have one beautiful son.

thanks again for all the support

If that is true and the police said that, then they are failing in their obligation to report a domestic incident, they can't just fob you off.

You were punched twice in the face!!

Even if you weren't then they still should investigate, it's their job to do so.

I would take it higher and make an official complaint.

Edingril · 30/06/2024 09:15

You have chosen to have a child who will have this person in their life forever, this person will be their father

And your 'last chance to have a baby' is more important? Have you thought about your current child at all?

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 30/06/2024 09:39

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 30/06/2024 09:08

If that is true and the police said that, then they are failing in their obligation to report a domestic incident, they can't just fob you off.

You were punched twice in the face!!

Even if you weren't then they still should investigate, it's their job to do so.

I would take it higher and make an official complaint.

Show quote history

Sorry, what do you mean ‘if this is true’? It is true, that’s what happened…

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 30/06/2024 09:40

Edingril · 30/06/2024 09:15

You have chosen to have a child who will have this person in their life forever, this person will be their father

And your 'last chance to have a baby' is more important? Have you thought about your current child at all?

Huh? Little confused by your post - I’ve said I’m having a termination…

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 30/06/2024 09:45

I know the internal struggle you must be having if you are against abortion for yourself @Lizzie67384 . Be kind to yourself and be proud that you have made a decision based on what is best for you and your son.
He would use that baby to make your life a living hell just because he could. You deserve so much more. Take time to be sad, embrace it even and then concentrate on healing. Good luck.

silverhamster · 30/06/2024 10:00

@lizzie67384 I know this must be really hard. Be kind to yourself, take time to grieve, but remember your primary responsibility is to the child you already have and to your own life, and be thankful that you don't have to be tied to this asshole.

Hairyfairy01 · 30/06/2024 10:01

Sorry to be harsh but there is no chance the police told you that. For starters they will be concerned over the safeguarding of your 6 year old. Please don't be afraid to report to the police, they will want to ensure yours and your child's safety. Speak with women's aid for advice and support as well.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 30/06/2024 11:07

Hairyfairy01 · 30/06/2024 10:01

Sorry to be harsh but there is no chance the police told you that. For starters they will be concerned over the safeguarding of your 6 year old. Please don't be afraid to report to the police, they will want to ensure yours and your child's safety. Speak with women's aid for advice and support as well.

They literally did 🤣 so you being ‘harsh’ is immaterial. My son wasn’t at the house; he was at my parents’ house.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 30/06/2024 11:51

No one can tell you what to do, OP.... but this baby will bond you to this man for the next 18yrs at least & he will use that against you... he has told you exactly who he is & what his intentions are.

differentnameforthis · 30/06/2024 11:56

Just seen your update... good luck! You & your son will be better off.

And I do believe the police would say that, they aren't as helpful in DV situation as people think they are, or as they should be.

Original poster
Lizzie67384 · 30/06/2024 12:13

differentnameforthis · 30/06/2024 11:56

Just seen your update... good luck! You & your son will be better off.

And I do believe the police would say that, they aren't as helpful in DV situation as people think they are, or as they should be.

Thanks - they said that to me, not sure why people think I would lie about that - that was literally the conversation!

OP posts: