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Original poster

Took a break on our relationship, partner cannot give me an answer if to get back together?

50 replies

leilall · 28/06/2024 02:55

Myself and my partner took a break on our relationship, in March, he moved into his mother’s temporary. To try and figure out if we really wanted to be together. We were both unhappy, lack of intimacy. Petty arguments.

And during that time we co-parented, no intimacy at all but he would sometimes come over for dinner. Anyway we are approaching July. And I would like to try and make it work 1 last time. Iv asked on multiple occasions, if he has managed to come to some sort of conclusion on what he wants. And the answer I get it is, Iv thought about moving back in and trying again. But then I think about the arguing. We have been together 7 years. And have a 2 year old together. I just want clarity, if he no longer wants to be with me. I need to know… I feel like I’m being strung along. I asked him, how he would feel about me dating other people. And his response was ‘well i would not be happy but I can’t stop you’

I just want to move forward with my life, although we share a child, if he decides he no longer wants to be with me. I cannot continue how we are. I will need space to heal. But don’t know how to navigate this with such a young child. We speak at least twice a day currently.

Any advice?

OP posts:
JobMatch3000 · 28/06/2024 03:12

I personally think that if a relationship needs a break, it's over. Two people in a loving, committed relationship don't need a break from each other.

aviatorsrus · 28/06/2024 03:12

Maybe he is not ready to make a decision yet?? You really can't and shouldn't put people on the spot. Perhaps he is trying to figure out his own feelings.
If you want to move on then do so. If it's meant to be it will work itself out!!

Moonshine5 · 28/06/2024 03:37

He does not want to be with you. He left and isn't returning. Tbh he sounds like he's okay with you dating.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/06/2024 03:42

You really can't and shouldn't put people on the spot.

He's had four months to think about it, I'm assuming without the day-to-day parenting. That's time to decide.

OP any suspicion about another woman? Taking a break and thinking about it is pretty classic.

Surprisedmystified · 28/06/2024 03:47

I think his reaction when you ask him tells you what you want to know.
If he wanted to try again he would be telling you so. He would be willing to discuss how, moving forward, you could work on your relationship. He isn't doing this. He just doesn't have the bottle to tell you outright that he doesn't want to get back together with you.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/06/2024 03:50

He doesn’t want to get back together but instead of out and out saying no he is being vague to make you the bad guy…

If you are co parenting well apart then keep it at that as it’s better for your child to be away from the arguing

daisychain01 · 28/06/2024 04:34

My advice is to get real that your relationship is over, take back the initiative by deciding and being resolved in the fact it's over, because if it wasn't over, your partner would be making a lot more effort to repair the situation and they just aren't. They've moved on and for all you know they're seeing someone else.

make sure you make adequate arrangements about financial provision for your child, including access, for the benefit of your child. They should be your only priority.

then move on with your life and don't let him leave you dangling on a thread, that isn't a good power dynamic and he knows it.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2024 04:40

He's answering you, you're not listening. It's over.

Tlolljs · 28/06/2024 04:47

Don’t listen to what they say, look at what they do. It’s over.

Lengokengo · 28/06/2024 05:08

It’s over.

He also probably is enjoying a break from the responsibility of the 2 year old. He doesn’t want to be the baddie so he doesn’t want to say the final thing.

i would approach it by telling him he had made the choice instead of asking. ‘ As you have left and we are not together, we need to formalise things. Will you be having the toddler 50% staying this week or next week.?’

hopscotcher · 28/06/2024 06:04

What do you think might be different, OP, if you tried again?
Think I agree with @Surprisedmystified

ThereIsAlwaysWine · 28/06/2024 06:19

JobMatch3000 · 28/06/2024 03:12

I personally think that if a relationship needs a break, it's over. Two people in a loving, committed relationship don't need a break from each other.

This

OhcantthInkofaname · 28/06/2024 06:24

Does he care for your child 50% of the time or has he ever?

Olika · 28/06/2024 06:26

If he isn't sure and isn't choosing you back then no point in being together. I couldn't live like that.

2Old2Tango · 28/06/2024 06:30

Are you actually taking time to explore the friction in your relationship, and why you both argue so much? If you're not addressing the issues then nothing will be different if you get back together. Either get some joint marriage counselling (even if not married) to improve the relationship, or move on.

GreyCarpet · 28/06/2024 07:37

I just want to move forward with my life, although we share a child, if he decides he no longer wants to be with me. I cannot continue how we are. I will need space to heal. But don’t know how to navigate this with such a young child. We speak at least twice a day currently.

Any advice?

Yes.

If he can't give you an answer, the answer is no, he doesn't want to be with you. But he likes the status quo and doesn't want that to change so he's not quite ready to be honest with you.

Maybe he still has feelings for you but doesn't want to go back into a relationship with no sex and petty arguments.

Maybe he's a dick and doesn't want to be the bad guy so he's hoping you'll end it.

Maybe he's just seeing how long he can let the current situation play out before he is forced into telling you he doesn't want to be with you again because the breakdown of a relationship is hard for both parties. Esp when their are children involved.

At the moment, the power dynamic is leaning in his favour because he knows you want to he with him or you wouldn't be asking him.

It's time for you to sway the power dynamic in your favour and just end it. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't know if they want to be with you? I wouldn't!

It will be far easier to navigate the future, co-parenting, finances etc now while you're amicable than when the inevitable rot and resentment has set in from the limbo of this untenable situation.

perfectcolourfound · 28/06/2024 08:51

His actions are telling you that he doesn't want to get back together.

If he wanted to be with you, he'd know it. And I agree with a pp - usually when couples 'take a break' they need to split.

I suspect he's taking his time for one of several reasons:

  1. he doesn't want to look like the bad buy so is putting off saying he wants out (in the hope you'll make the decision for him, or it'll be an easier decision if you've been on a break for longer)
  2. he knows there are downsides to splitting up (perhaps you do his housework / parent his children / he likes the reputation as family man / he'd have to share finances with you) and so he's putting off making a final decision
  3. there's another woman he's had an affair with / would like to be with, but he isn't sure if she's up for something more, so is biding his time
  4. he's one of nature's prevaricators (you'll know if this is the case)

Finally, there is a chance he's 'training' you to not argue with him. WHen you ask, and he says the thing putting him off getting back together is the thought of all the arguing - it sounds as though he could be saying 'If you stop disagreeing with me, I'll consider coming back to you'.

I could ofcourse be wrong on any or all of those theories. But it's pretty certain that for one reason or another, he's not being honest.

Bittenonce · 28/06/2024 09:17

When he moved out, you thought 'We're taking a break, he needs a bit of space and time'. He thought 'I'm moving out, it's over'. Just was easier for him not to say that outright.

Nogardenersworld · 28/06/2024 09:21

He left and doesn’t want to come back when you’ve asked him to repeatedly

clearly that’s his decision? Just because he hasn’t said it out loud he’s clearly decided something

expect him to change his mind though when you start moving on

or he’s waiting for you to agree to terms that work better for him to come back.

Procrastinates · 28/06/2024 09:26

What's actually changed in your relationship since you started the break? Have you been working on the relationship or attending therapy etc? If not then he's right if he moves back in nothing will have changed. It's clear he doesn't think anything is different since you split so him moving back in would be pointless and just add further confusion to your child. In his opinion the relationship is obviously over.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 28/06/2024 09:29

Aquamarine1029 · 28/06/2024 04:40

He's answering you, you're not listening. It's over.

I agree with this. Perhaps he is trying to be kind by not saying it outright or perhaps he wants to keep you around incase he changes his mind but either way he is sending you a clear message that he doesn't want to come back. Sorry OP.

Notthatcatagain · 28/06/2024 09:45

It's almost certainly over. Stop speaking twice a day, don't contact him at all other than to arrange his share of the childcare. Get finances sorted out so he is committed to paying a fair figure for his child. His reaction to all that will tell you what you need to know. And don't feed him

hideawayforever · 28/06/2024 09:58

I would take back control, I would tell him that he's given you his answer in his actions and that you are now split up.
he's having the best of all worlds, coming to yours for dinner to see his child then swanning back off to mummys for a lovely peaceful time with no getting up in the night to crying toddlers or having to parent properly.

its time for him to take responsibility by having your toddler for 50% of the time, he can do overnights in mummys and starting to parent without you being there to make things easier for him.
Dop your little one off at his mums or have little one ready if he comes to collect, and avoid as much contact with him as you possibly can, only speak to arrange child stuff, you need to allow yourself time away from him to heal and get over him.
Go to see a solicitor and get some legal advice regarding the house and finances.
Once you take control back you will feel better and can start rebuilding your own life.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 28/06/2024 10:34

It's over. But he doesn't want to make it official because a) that removes his options and he's not sure yet if he will find someone better and b) his lovely comfortable life where you're accommodating and pleasant will probably end.

I bet right now you're doign the bulk of the parenting - he comes over and plays daddy for a few hours. What about finances?

YOU are unhappy with this situation so end it officially and move on with your life.

Underestimated4 · 02/07/2024 17:21

I think you need to start moving on with your life, sometimes it can takes much longer before people reconcile but you can’t put your life on hold for him.