Took a break on our relationship, partner cannot give me an answer if to get back together?

[leilall]

Myself and my partner took a break on our relationship, in March, he moved into his mother’s temporary. To try and figure out if we really wanted to be together. We were both unhappy, lack of intimacy. Petty arguments.

And during that time we co-parented, no intimacy at all but he would sometimes come over for dinner. Anyway we are approaching July. And I would like to try and make it work 1 last time. Iv asked on multiple occasions, if he has managed to come to some sort of conclusion on what he wants. And the answer I get it is, Iv thought about moving back in and trying again. But then I think about the arguing. We have been together 7 years. And have a 2 year old together. I just want clarity, if he no longer wants to be with me. I need to know… I feel like I’m being strung along. I asked him, how he would feel about me dating other people. And his response was ‘well i would not be happy but I can’t stop you’

I just want to move forward with my life, although we share a child, if he decides he no longer wants to be with me. I cannot continue how we are. I will need space to heal. But don’t know how to navigate this with such a young child. We speak at least twice a day currently.

Any advice?

If he wanted back, he'd be back by now

It’s over. His answer to how he would feel if you dated tells you everything you need to know. For most people in a loving relationship even the thought of them being with someone else is heartbreaking. That he would say he couldn’t stop you is telling. Because actually he could stop you, by expressing his love and commitment to you if that’s how he feels. It’s actually cruel what he is doing. Take back control end it yourself.

Who rings/texts twice a day is it you ringing him or is it that you both call each other?

If your the one who’s ringing/texting him and it’s never the other way round stop ringing/texting and see if he gets in touch with you

Is he actually having DC 50/50?

If he’s not then put a rota together to suit both of you for when he has DC not in your home because reality is if you do separate he won’t be having DC in your home for the time being he could buy a travel cot for at his parents house if they haven’t got one etc

Have you sat and actually spoke openly about your relationship?
If you haven’t then nothing will ever change or be resolved and I know no one likes to have those conversations but you can’t resolve things without them

Got to be honest it doesn’t sound good even without the answers to the above questions I agree with others that he doesn’t want to be the one to actually end it as he doesn’t want to be the bad guy in this situation the fact he doesn’t seem particularly bothered about you even mentioning dating says a lot.

I think it’s going to be down to you to put an end to the relationship I wish you good luck and please don’t stay together for the sake of DC because it never ends well and the child will be affected by the relationship. 🍀

If he needed a break to work out what he wanted and after 4 months can’t tell you, it is over.

You asked him how he would feel about you dating other people and his response is pretty damming. It’s over.

you don’t necessarily want him back, you just want a decision either way. It’s over.

I’d guess he wants you to be the bad guy though and be the one to decide that it is over and say it out loud.

Was it his decision to leave or was it a joint decision between the two of you? I would give him a deadline for a decision to be reached about trying again and I wouldn't go ahead with that unless you've talked about doing things differently - or you will just fall back into the same pattern. What are the arguments about? Often petty arguments are a sign of underlying feelings of resentment and hurt. You may want to consider some couples counselling to address the problems. If he is not willing to make a decision in, say, the next two weeks, I would start moving on with your life and accept that the separation is permanent. Then you can start sorting out shared parental care and financial arrangements.

Oh dear, what a dilemma.
Forget the whys and wherefores: Somehow youve reached a place where HE holds all the power. Uts all about HIM, what HE wants!!!!!! I was in a similar position many decades ago. I know its difficult when theres a child involved and whats happening now is : its all got so impossible that its inevitable that YOU will get bored and Start Dating other people. He dont want to show his hand one way or another as hes got the best of Both Worlds( as things are) and YOU feel used as a unofficial child minder. Does HE take the child out on his own or for the day.....??????? Worst case scenario is: you break free from this impossible No Mans Land just so you can formulate some boundaries with this time waster. I suspect he will syrely make his feelings known if you suddenly got a Life of your own. Why dont YOU start the ball rolling to reclaim a Boundary by asking HIM to take the child for one day.. periodically keep asking every week " Will you take the child for one day" then step back and watch the explosion.

It’s over. Scrape your dignity back up of the floor and move on.

This should have been suited out months ago but instead he chose to drag it out with out having the guts to tell you he prefers to be in his own.

Yes it hurts but honestly you won’t die and he clearly isn’t right for you.

I hope he has been paying child maintenance since he has gone

Get some dignity.

I think you need to take control if your life and dictate what’s happening going forward. As someone above said, don’t wait for him.

I was in the same situation &I asked hubby to leave many years ago. He moved out.
He visited me & kids every night & began staying for dinner & arranging days out at weekends. Things he never did when living here.
Everything improved . He said he missed us & made an effort that had not been there for years.
I thought we could fix this.
But when I asked to review where we were & what he wanted he said we are done & I rarely saw him after that.
He withdrew. it was over.
Move on. Find a new life & be happy.

Possibly an unpopular opinion but I would set a date that your comfortable with … could be now/a week/a month but by this time you both need to decide if you want to be together - If you decide yes then you need to work on the relationship in a productive way such as talking through what the problems where and ways to improve them or relationship counselling - not running away for 4 months! At the moment he sounds like he has the best of both worlds living a single life when he fancies and a ready made family the rest of the time, you shouldn’t put your life on hold for him - if he feels like you are giving him an ultimatum or forcing him to make a decision - then for me that would be answer enough.

Yeah I think he’s gone. He’s possibly even met someone else.

He’s dithering because he doesn’t want to me the bad guy. He wants you to do it. Then he’ll be able to introduce his ‘new’ girlfriend onto the scene and if you get upset say, “well you ended the relationship.”

You feel like he is stringing you along because he is.
He either does not want to get back together, or he is training you not to argue with him if he comes back. 'Thinking of all the arguments' = don't argue with me.
Sounds as if the ball is in your court.

Asking the question repeatedly to get a different response is just hurting yourself more.
Your Childs father has moved out and is getting on with his life.
You need to do the same . Claim Cms , Sort out custody so he can start being a dad & stop talking with him and except about your child. He needs to parent without you staring over his shoulder & you need to rediscover some independence.

4 months and no intimacy at all? He’s just going through the motions but the relationship is over. No one needs 4 months to think. When you asked about you dating, did you ask him why he would be angry? Is it because you would have someone else around your DC, or because someone would be around you?

I think he gave you the answer: he wants to move back in, but he doesn't want the arguing. So what are you both arguing about and can you stop it?

My partner and I broke up/ took a break on April. We were living together temporarily as I bought a house and was waiting on moving out. Moved out and broke up. We were unhappy for months over a variety of things. Mostly exhausted from my commute to work, his mental health and other things.

We had sporadic contact with mail and stuff k left. 4 weeks later he contacted me to ask if I wanted to try again. We had a chat, agreed what needed to change (we both had same issues) and now dating to see if we can forget and make a meaningful relationship.

my emotional unavailable DP could ask if there was a chance. If he wanted it he wouldn’t leave you hanging. The decision is yours now. Say no and start to date.

jury is out whether mine will last, but we are trying and communicating

I'm sorry, but he has given you your answer, and it's no.

It sounds like it is over. I would tell him 'If you have not moved back home, ready to try again by the end of July then I will be officially ending the relationship and moving on. We will discuss CM and contact at that point'.

I'd continue to be civil in the meantime, but he would have to be doing the phoning/running. And I'd spend the next three weeks getting my ducks in a row, working out what I wanted in the form of contact and maintenance in order to present him with a suggested schedule at the end of the month. I'd have the CMS forms and everything filled in and ready to post.

I'd pull right back and be distantly friendly but non commital at this point.

I think pushing for a yes or no answer is not going to end well. It’s not clear whether you’ve taken any steps to address the arguing or lack of intimacy, maybe start there. If you can’t have difficult conversations without arguing then counselling may help provide focus.

Why are you sitting about waiting for him to decide if he wants to come back!?

Talk to him. Set a deadline.

determine if you need to talk more or less, or keep it solely about kiddo. No more how was your day. Do what works for you and determining if it’s worth moving on. And if you disagree then do however long he needs as he needs it, then you however long you need and as you need it (including dating others if you want - it’s interesting out there).

please think about this. If you can’t say you want to try again, like I do (make it clear HE is ending it, men suck and do the thing where they just don’t end it and treat you like shit till you get pissed and end it) then we will contact lawyers about starting an official separation to divorce.

but he’s probably a wiener like mine and won’t commit. So ask his plan! Wtf is going on. Can’t just keep ignoring it. Which mine would refuse. So anyway. It’s probably over and he’s a coward.

Why you giving him all the power here to decide? Tell him it’s over and you don’t want him back - if that man wanted u, he’d be with you.

This.

You should probably stop being so accommodating as well. He has made his choice so no more joint dinners with the kids and no longer speaking a few times a day.

I am sorry OP but the limbo you are living is damaging. He is a coward who does not want to be the bad guy.

Time for you to make the decision to not let him string you or the children along.

You need to work out co-parenting so you know when he is having them AT HIS and then start to think about the financials etc

I know it will be hard but dont let him treat you this way.

If he wanted to be with you, he would be.

Stop letting him string you along. It's ultimatum time for him.