Children of narcs -how do you move forwards?

[Oneeighty]

So recently I've had a light bulb moment and come to the realisation that my mother is a narcissist and a bully, and has done a number on my MH and self-confidence

Theres so many examples I could give

• putting whatever man she was seeing above DB and I

• lying to everyone about being a lonely downtrodden single mum for many years before she met DSD (she was single for 2.5 years and we may as well have had a revolving front door for all the men she entertained)

• lying to everyone about the fact that when her and my DF were together, she was just as drunk and vile as he was

• verbally abusing DB and I for years about "Dont I deserve some happiness after what YOUR daddy did to me!?"

• when I was SA'd aged 16 and just wanted my mum to give me a hug and say it would all be ok, she instead screamed in my face that she was sick of me trying to drag her into my problems and if I went to the police she'd tell them I was lying. Then years later, gaslighting me and insisting it never even happened.

• kicking me out on the streets with DD1 11 months when I was 17, to spend nights in alleyways or sneaking into hospital waiting rooms for warmth. Then years later, gaslighting and saying that never happened and I'm making things up to make people feel sorry for me

• when I gave birth to DD2 two years ago, a creepy man hanging around the ward kept opening the curtain when I was trying to breastfeed, I got upset and complained to the midwives, and she went bananas at me for "Making things uncomfortable for all the other people on the ward!"

• Whenever I've had stress or illness (I had PND following the above) she fakes concern for just long enough for me to work up the courage to open up and start talking, then drops me like "Ha! Made ya look!" and leaves me feeling 100x worse.

There are so many more examples and red flags, but I'm aware this threads getting way too long!

Pretty stunned its taken till my early 40s to actually see her for what she is. I've wasted my whole life chasing her love and wondering what I can do to make her like me the way other mums seem to like their daughters. And it was never going to happen, she's not capable of it. I feel like such an idiot!

I've got my own little family now (two DDs and a lovely DP). I just want to let go of all the disappointment and sadness, stop clinging on to this pathetic dream of having a normal relationship with my mum, and just be happy

How do I even begin to make my way through this mess and move on?

If you move this post to Relationships there are people there who have been through what you have.

You did not deserve it and it is not your fault.💐

I just wanted to send my love as my husband and I over the past couple of months have come to the same conclusion about his dad and step mum - we're in the process of cutting them out but they keep crawling back. It's hard and horrible. Hope you're okay xxx

@MonteStory thank you so much! I'm new to MN, how do I ask for the post to be moved?

Been here, you cut contact - or reduce it so it's on your terms. I see my mum once or twice a year, at a neutral place (usually the park or beach) so she can see my kids (as she claims to adore them) but It's never more than an hour or 2 and we never go to hers/her to mine.

someone said something to me once which has always stuck - be the parent you needed when you were young.

"be the parent you needed when you were young."

Indeed - and that includes to yourself. We have to learn to parent ourselves when we experience destructive parents like this.

Show compassion for yourself which might mean, as others have said, keeping your own tight boundaries around the relationship.

Be realistic about what you can expect from your mother. (Don't expect her to come around)

Find a way to mourn the loss of not having a loving parent, with friends and trusted others - but don't expect support from either parent(s) or siblings - if you have them, they may be a good ally but equally, might be struggling with their own damaging experiences.

Good luck (from an adult child of narcissistic parents who lives a fulfilling adult life)

@SuzieBishop thank you. I'm ok, if anything this light bulb moment of realisation has made me feel a lot lighter already xx

@QforCucumber thank you. I hope one day I'll be in the same place you are; free 💐

In my own way I've already been doing that, I just didn't realise. Even before I realised my mothers a horrible person I always knew I'd hate for either of my DDs to feel the way I did growing up. DD1 is now in her 20s and says its made me overprotective if anything. But I'd rather that, than my kids feeling like they're all alone in the world with their problems.

You realise that they probably have their own mental health issues and make a decisionf or them not to affect you any more

I think you report your OP, click on Other and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

I'm sorry you've had such a shit mother but glad you can see her for what she is now. Dr Ramani on YouTube has many videos that will resonate with you and hopefully help you

@TwoThousandAcresofBlueSkyThinking done - thank you!

Just found Dr Ramani on youtube, will start watching omw home from work, thanks for the tip x

My mum always saw me as responsible for her problems and happiness. She saw me as there to make her happy and fix her problems.

She didn't care what I needed or wanted as long as she got her way. She caused so many problems when I was a child and used to tell me all about them to get me to help.

She revolved her social life around me. My problems I was blamed for or she didn't want to know or shouted at me.

She's dead now. I miss her.

You still will. Dunno what to suggest.

@HowIrresponsible im so sorry 💐

We only get one mum, horrible or nice, it's still your mum isnt it

Hope you're ok

Adult child of alcoholic narcissist mother here. They are selfish, demanding, drama driven, batshit, messes.
I ended up loathing my mum and stopped all contact. She died last year, I felt nothing but relief.
They never change in fact my mum got worse the older she got. The only way to deal with narcs is to stay away from them. Their selfish needs will always come first, you can't have a relationship with a narcissist.

I really miss my mother even though she was unkind to me when she was alive. Difficult situation to be in unfortunately, I even miss her horrible phone calls! You don't get to choose your parents.

My mum was exactly the same self centred, more interested in her relationships than us . Left me to look after 2 younger brothers and went out all the time partying. Married an idiot who sexually assaulted me.
Just remember she is the one with the issues not you. Don't let it ruin your life.

I’m the parent of a child whose father is one and I worry all the time what impact this will have.

As someone who was abused by him so experienced this abuse all I can suggest is counselling and one you understand about them more you can make sense of things a lot of the confusion will lift you’ll stop blaming yourself.

If you have relationship with her I’d cut her out.

I also have a narc parent and an enabler. It took me well into my 40s to go non contact.
I've found support from the Stately Homes threads, would recommend you drop by and have a look.

So you have to grieve for it. Honestly therapy for years changed my life as did meeting a lovely normal partner.

I tried to put boundaries in and no let them control my children and they didn’t like that I haven’t spoken to them for 4 years. Much easier now.

The holistic psychologist on IG is really helpful on this kind of stuff. It’s certainly helped me understand my own emotional responses to things given my parents’ issues. https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist?igsh=MXA3Nnpjdjg5eHl3dA==

And also very good therapy!

Follow amanda Smith trauma therapist on Instagram,
Op so sorry your going through this, I could of written this myself, only in the last few years have made peace with myself and my traumas, years of picking away as to why!! If only's!! Found this lady above and how she changed my thought process, she too had same similar trauma experiences and has become a therapist, still struggles, really describes me, loads of situations, am 60 now and wow what a light bulb moment, makes sense of feeling of loss , talks about, flying monkeys, hadn't heard this term before, other family members, honestly worth a follow, stay strong you have your little family, stay true, good luck hun x

Therapy is the way forward.
Acceptance that you will never have a mother like people.
Loving the little you that did not have the unconditional love and care she deserved, and looking after her yourself.
For me, extremely low contact, because after a while it just stopped hurting so much with distance.
You might get to the stage where you can accept her life shaped her, and her childhood etc created this narcissist.
To see what she has lost, I doubt she has many or any meaningful relationships at all. I am sure you do.
Loving those around and being glad for what you have now as an adult, following your dreams, nursing your childhood dreams.
Let go. You are an adult now and you have got this.

Please read the passive aggressive covert narcissist by Debbie Mirza. It'll help loads. You need to cut all ties. Xx

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It really means so much. Been looking up some of your recommendations and found a lot of helpful info

Think I opened up a can of worms in my own head with this, so many horrible memories that had been buried for years all came back at once. I got so upset and angry, had to take a few days off and just shut the world out.

What upsets me most is there will never be closure for DB and I; DM never admits shes wrong, never apologises, never owns it.
"I screwed up and I'm sorry" would be so easy to say, and give us so much in terms of closure / healing / peace, but it'll never ever happen in a million years

I love her but have absolutely no respect for her as a mother a woman or as a human being.
Decided I'm aiming for NC but gradually to avoid drama; had enough rows with that woman to last several lifetimes!

As pp have said I know I need therapy, just wish I could skip that bit and get straight on to the letting go / moving on stage..If only!

On the plus side, I'm finally angry at her and not myself for never being good enough. Guess thats progress. Baby steps..!

Thank you again so much everyone 💐

I can totally relate, it hurts so much doesn’t it..
my therapist has helped a lot, I’m still a work in progress. You are beautiful and loveable you are not the problem. Be free my friend xx