So recently I've had a light bulb moment and come to the realisation that my mother is a narcissist and a bully, and has done a number on my MH and self-confidence
Theres so many examples I could give
• putting whatever man she was seeing above DB and I
• lying to everyone about being a lonely downtrodden single mum for many years before she met DSD (she was single for 2.5 years and we may as well have had a revolving front door for all the men she entertained)
• lying to everyone about the fact that when her and my DF were together, she was just as drunk and vile as he was
• verbally abusing DB and I for years about "Dont I deserve some happiness after what YOUR daddy did to me!?"
• when I was SA'd aged 16 and just wanted my mum to give me a hug and say it would all be ok, she instead screamed in my face that she was sick of me trying to drag her into my problems and if I went to the police she'd tell them I was lying. Then years later, gaslighting me and insisting it never even happened.
• kicking me out on the streets with DD1 11 months when I was 17, to spend nights in alleyways or sneaking into hospital waiting rooms for warmth. Then years later, gaslighting and saying that never happened and I'm making things up to make people feel sorry for me
• when I gave birth to DD2 two years ago, a creepy man hanging around the ward kept opening the curtain when I was trying to breastfeed, I got upset and complained to the midwives, and she went bananas at me for "Making things uncomfortable for all the other people on the ward!"
• Whenever I've had stress or illness (I had PND following the above) she fakes concern for just long enough for me to work up the courage to open up and start talking, then drops me like "Ha! Made ya look!" and leaves me feeling 100x worse.
There are so many more examples and red flags, but I'm aware this threads getting way too long!
Pretty stunned its taken till my early 40s to actually see her for what she is. I've wasted my whole life chasing her love and wondering what I can do to make her like me the way other mums seem to like their daughters. And it was never going to happen, she's not capable of it. I feel like such an idiot!
I've got my own little family now (two DDs and a lovely DP). I just want to let go of all the disappointment and sadness, stop clinging on to this pathetic dream of having a normal relationship with my mum, and just be happy
How do I even begin to make my way through this mess and move on?