What is wrong with DH…

[anicecuppateaa]

I couldn’t think of another title but essentially i’m fed up of his mood swings every couple of months.

He transforms into a different person and brings up things from the past to insult me, ranging in severity but including reminding me how I struggled to cope with late dd when she was alive, which hurts me to my very core and he knows it. He is obsessed with the idea he gets no time to himself and I control his life. The latest episode was caused by me complaining that after getting older dc to bed I was frustrated that rather than put baby dc to bed, he’d given him an ipad (so I had to put him to bed) so he could watch the football. He was livid I didn’t watch football with him when he watches the ‘shit’ I want to watch all the time.

I want to be supportive but I completely disagree with how he feels and can’t imagine coming back from this. Life is hectic and we’ve been under a lot of pressure due to a bereavement (my side) and lack of family support. He doesn’t seem to recognise the time he has to himself. he went to a cycling event on Saturday morning, I then took dc out for 3 hours so he could have a break. He went for a run on Monday eve. He usually has dc on Mondays but needed to work so I swapped non working days with him. I left work early yesterday and took 2 tubes, the train and a bus to do nursery pick up so he didnt have to do a 15 min drive with older dc. But none of this matters when he gets into this state and its like a black cloud descends and his judgement is altered.

When he is not being like this, he absolutely pulls his weight at home and is fun to be around. He makes packed lunches every day and does most of the cooking.

I feel like he’s convinced himself I am a controlling monster and he absolutely despises me. He behaves and believes he is a victim in our relationship. No amount of gently pointing out the stuff above helps. I want to get back to where things were a couple of days ago, but equally wondering if he will ever really be happy. Every time this happens he claims he’s not actually been happy and putting on a front.

I’ll diagnose him for you, he’s an arsehole and is abusing you while neglecting your child.

Leave. You and your child deserve FAR better! Seriously, don’t keep inflicting him on your child!

"The script" Whether or not there's someone else on his mind, he's rewriting his own narrative to make you the bad guy in his eyes.
What a child he is.

Here is is
Scroll down to cheersmedea's post

This is how it feels. I did wonder if I was overreacting so thanks for validating my concerns, everyone else (my parents included) think he is amazing and would think I am unhinged if I leave.

We used to be so happy, I don’t know why this has happened.

Your parents do not live with him though, you do and you know the truth re him. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world. Abuse also thrives on secrecy and I would have a conversation with Women’s Aid to begin with.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

My DH was convinced I was also a controlling monster because after 20 years I got tired of him only being interested in work and going away by himself. Meanwhile he showed no interest in doing anything together, even so much as nipping out for a cup of tea. Frankly it has taken serious threats of divorce on my part for him to even acknowledge how unreasonable he was being, and the toxic effect it's had on our marriage.

Most of the time he is fine. On the rare occasions we go out together alone, we have a nice time. He is also a good dad who more than does his share but this keeps coming up.

I have an active social life with lots of friends made through mat leaves and volunteering (virtually) on a couple of committees. He has no local friends which seems to be my fault. I organised one dc’s birthday last year and invited the families rather than just the mums I know, to try to help him meet some friends. Of course nothing came of it.

Is it worth trying to get him to recognise this behaviour (again) and see if things can be rescued?

Is it worth trying to get him to recognise this behaviour (again) and see if things can be rescued?

You can try but it won’t work.

Has this started happening since you lost your daughter (so sorry to hear that) or did it happen before? Could it be depression or similar linked to the bereavement?

I mean - he might be an arsehole or maybe there is more to it? He’s dealing with his feelings in a horrible way if that is what is going on.

I understand the comments about distorting the narrative, and the 'script'; But I would see things slightly differently.
This is - in my experience - not done deliberately. It's a reaction to being unhappy, in a rut where something needs to change.
For example, if each person has certain jobs they 'always' do, it can be easy to perceive that you are doing more, especially if what the other does is when you're not around to see it.
You're only going to change that by changing that routine, that particular rut.
You need to plan to make proper quality time for each other and not be subsumed by the day to day.
It's a good thing that he gets out to do cycling events - the same as it would be good for you to get out for girls' spa days etc. Everyone needs space to do things the other half won't enjoy, but every couple needs time together that isn't about chores and kids, too.
If not, time together means 'dull daily grind' so resentment will build.
I think that's where you are.

@Comtesse its an interesting point. He was never like this before. I have also changed and I am triggered by things which I know isn’t easy to live with. He was fantastic with dd and held everything together when I couldn’t whilst she was alive, during the last few hours and in the weeks after her death. He doesn’t have the same support network I do and I think that plays into this. I had a lot of therapy and he hasn’t.

@Bittenonce I think you are spot on.

I don’t know how we can squeeze these things in, but maybe we have to.

I used to be your DH. You have to.

Does any of this resonate, OP?

In my experience of the loss of a child, both parents can grieve on very different time scales. There is a chance that he is now going through a grief stage that you have already gone through and he (and you) isnt recognizing it. I

would suggest that he separately and then the two of you together both need therapy from someone who is very experienced in helping people with grief from loosing a child.

How long ago did you lose your DD? TBH it sounds like he is struggling - he's raging at the world and you are bearing the brunt of it. If he hasn't had any therapy it maybe worth looking at.

He sounds very much like my ex @anicecuppateaa , I could bore you with matching examples but I won't. It is very narcissistic/abusive behaviour.

Your support network and therapy will have him feeling vulnerable, that will certainly trigger some of his behaviour.

Is it worth trying to get him to recognise this behaviour (again) and see if things can be rescued?

You've tried before, what would be different now? IME pointing out their bad behaviour will lead to you being punished, again, whether immediately or later down the line.

You really can't win with these people. It's exhausting. Your mind is on them all of the time, that's intentional of their part. They want your head filled with so much confusion and 'what can I do to fix this?' you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. The good times are there to keep you hoping the bad times will disappear, confuse you and they can claim victimhood because 'good times'.

I agree with PP, speaking to Women's Aid is a good idea to help you at least straighten things out in your head, if nothing else.

Was your DD his DD too? I am so sorry to hear that she died.

It reads like maybe he was her stepdad.

Perhaps I wrote it badly. He is very much the dad (and not stepdad). It was a 5 years ago so I am surprised but I guess this has been coming up over time….

I'd suggest talking to a professional, together.

Sounds like there is lots of resentment on his side, maybe stemming from your dd death or just life in general. He could be bored and taking it out on you, or simply an arse hole.

To me this sounds like unresolved grief. As you will know, there is no right or wrong way to deal with grief and it will hit you when you least expect it and it does not have a timeframe. Would he be amenable to talking to someone else about it?

My mother lost ny three yr old sister from TB in the 1940s, she was never really spoken about, but I was born 15 yrs later and the only time I remember my mother being really upset was at a GP app't. Our doctor was a family friend and asked my date of birth, she said a date three days after mine, I said, that's wrong and she said, "yes it was another little girl," and burst into tears... so I know that grief is no respector of time.

If he will not see the GP initially, perhaps you could start the ball rolling and he might come on board...

I agree with @OrlandointheWilderness
I think it might be worth exploring grief counselling. Even if you had counselling after you lost your daughter the grief process develops iyswim.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

I suspect 5 years is nothing against unresolved grief. Do you talk about it as a couple?

Thanks everyone. We had 2 sessions at the hospital and one with Cruise afterwards, but I didn’t click with the therapists. I distinctly remember one asking where dd’s body was (there was a post mortem, so the honest answer was, a f*cking freezer, why are you asking). But it was selfish of me to stop things and DH should have carried on. I then had separate therapy through work.

Interesting questions on do we talk about grief, and I realise my feelings/ thoughts/ triggers start and dominate any discussion. I have no idea how he feels or where he is with this.

There is definitely unresolved resentment at the way I behaved. He looked after all of us whilst I was suicidal at many points during dd’s life and afterwards. He was always positive and there for her when I couldn’t cope and ran (literally).

I feel terrible that I didn’t see this but will talk to him tomorrow. He’s a qualified mental health first aider so hopefully will be open to counselling.

I picked up on this too.
I lost my son when he was little and I have also lost my sister when she was 21. After my Dsis passed, my parents' marriage broke down. They separated and are both much happier now. DH and I are still together and have become stronger from going through it. In my experience it's 50/50 and neither is better or worse than the other. Losing a child is something nobody can ever imagine until it happens to them. It changes you fundamentally as a person.
If he's struggling with depression or ptsd following her death (or if you are yourself), you can put the steps in motion to reach out for support. While the NHS counselling wait lists are shocking at the moment, charities like cruse bereavement care can offer brilliant help.
As I said, there is no shame if things break down after the loss of a child. Looking back my mum and dad weren't great for a long time and my sis was ill for a long time so I think ultimately the stress got too much for them.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter and what you're going through now xx