What is wrong with DH…

[anicecuppateaa]

I couldn’t think of another title but essentially i’m fed up of his mood swings every couple of months.

He transforms into a different person and brings up things from the past to insult me, ranging in severity but including reminding me how I struggled to cope with late dd when she was alive, which hurts me to my very core and he knows it. He is obsessed with the idea he gets no time to himself and I control his life. The latest episode was caused by me complaining that after getting older dc to bed I was frustrated that rather than put baby dc to bed, he’d given him an ipad (so I had to put him to bed) so he could watch the football. He was livid I didn’t watch football with him when he watches the ‘shit’ I want to watch all the time.

I want to be supportive but I completely disagree with how he feels and can’t imagine coming back from this. Life is hectic and we’ve been under a lot of pressure due to a bereavement (my side) and lack of family support. He doesn’t seem to recognise the time he has to himself. he went to a cycling event on Saturday morning, I then took dc out for 3 hours so he could have a break. He went for a run on Monday eve. He usually has dc on Mondays but needed to work so I swapped non working days with him. I left work early yesterday and took 2 tubes, the train and a bus to do nursery pick up so he didnt have to do a 15 min drive with older dc. But none of this matters when he gets into this state and its like a black cloud descends and his judgement is altered.

When he is not being like this, he absolutely pulls his weight at home and is fun to be around. He makes packed lunches every day and does most of the cooking.

I feel like he’s convinced himself I am a controlling monster and he absolutely despises me. He behaves and believes he is a victim in our relationship. No amount of gently pointing out the stuff above helps. I want to get back to where things were a couple of days ago, but equally wondering if he will ever really be happy. Every time this happens he claims he’s not actually been happy and putting on a front.

Sorry I can see you've already updated about counselling, sorry to over it again on my reply.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. It sounds as though your child's death was as horrific as most of us imagine it would be.

I am usually very LTB. But I do think that your remarkable self-awareness has allowed you to describe how very difficult his own experience was - and that he probably does have unresolved pain/anger and possibly PTSD as a result of his role being that of 'keeping it all together'.

I think it's really worth trying to work through this. The most important thing I've learned during a very difficult and long period (not as awful as yours but involving possible loss) is that things which can sometimes seem in contradiction to one another can be true at the same time.

Sounds like depression, this site may help!: www.tapatalk.com/groups/depressionfalloutmessageboard

My good friends lost their DD. The wife grieved hard and fast and the husband held it together to get her through, he lost it about 5 years later with random inexplicable actions that hurt her massively, but were all tied back to his DD death and ‘not being needed anymore’ as his wife was coming out the other side of her grief. I would suggest some therapy for DH separately and you both as a couple with very good grief counsellors, and dont be afraid to try a few until you find someone that clicks.