I always get lumbered with this type of friend

[PenelopeHofstadter]

By this type of friend I mean ones that put me down whilst going on about how amazing they are, and seem to view me as beneath them.

I had a uni friend who was like it, years ago. She used to say things like she thought I was ugly but 'had a nice personality' but that it was hard for her having 'both looks and a great personality'. She seemed to pick up on my low esteem and any weaknesses I had and then make me feel rubbish about myself. She would always say that men were looking at her, and say that she understood how hard it must be for me being friends with someone as attractive and attention grabbing as her.

I then ended up with a 'mum friend' like this when the kids were younger, and I had to fall out with her in the end to get rid of her.

Now I'm lumbered with a 'work friend' who thinks she's amazing at the job and tries to put me down and make out I'm useless. She even recently said I was 'very average' at the job we do, when I know I am really good at it. She also constantly offers constant 'constructive criticism' on my work, all totally unasked for and calls me sensitive if I don't like it.

Why do I always end up stuck with this kind of friend?

Because you let them do it.

Why would you bother with someone like that? Ignore them from now on

They’re not friends, though. That’s not what real friends do. I hope you have other, nicer people in your life as well.

Avoid these people. Or stand up for yourself. I had one friend like this at uni. She was nuts. At the time I put up with it. Never again.

Whenever I've stuck up for myself with these types of people they just think I'm in the wrong and being over sensitive.

The Uni friend thought it was hilarious to call me 'Spanner' and everyone would laugh and if I objected she'd say I was too uptight and I'd never find a boyfriend if I was like that. And then she'd act all hurt that I didn't see the funny side and make me feel that there was something wrong with me for objecting.

Why are you calling these people 'friends'?

I am confused by your concept of "friend".

Friends are people we like and value and who like and value us in return. We are happy to have them in our lives and vice versa.

What you are describing are merely people that you know, who are clearly not very nice. I don't really understand why you would choose to spend time with them and certainly don't understand why you consider them friends?

You may have low self esteem but they do too,
A person who is confident in their looks, ability etc doesn’t put others down.

When work friend overs unwarranted advice tell her you’ll ask if you need it. And ignore. You need to be assertive.

Firstly regarding the uni friend, it’s so damaging to your self esteem to have a so called “friend” in your life.
I have an arms length policy, which basically means I adopted the less is more approach.
I let them rattle on and on and on and when they notice my eyes have glazed over and stop for breath, I say nothing for at least 20 seconds and say “ I’ve got to get on I’m busy.”
It works a treat, the message is clear if they come back again then you do the arms length technique again.

Those people don't have any concept of friends, just rivals/victims/people they suck up to because they have to. Sack them off and don't be surprised if they play the victim afterwards, it's all part of the same act.

Because you keep this type as a friend as it seems familiar. People like this exist for the rest of us, but in that case we don't class them as friends. Just don't be friends with these types.

You need to learn to distance yourself very quickly when you see first signs of this behaviour. That’s the answer

Op if someone treats you badly it’s because you let them. I’m sorry. The reason most of us don’t deal with this, is because it would take once and we’d walk away, or we would put the person in their place immediately. They’d not get to do it a second time.

they do it as you let them. You need to have boundaries, and to learn to walk away, or to put someone in their place immediately.

You listen and this is rare. You may have a high level of empathy. This isn’t a weakness. People with huge egos are attracted to someone that listens and they will take advantage by talking themselves up. You can stay in the same pattern and wonder, why me, or make a change and stand the hell up for yourself.

Whenever I've stuck up for myself with these types of people they just think I'm in the wrong and being over sensitive.

And is that not a cue for you to immediately stop hanging out with them or giving them any further attention?

You need to learn to say “Fuck OFFFFF!!!”
Also recognise that these people are absolutely not friends but vampires who use your reticence to say anything to leverage themselves.

Exactly.

The reason that other people aren’t lumbered with these assholes is that the first time they say something like, “It must be hard having a friend like me who gets so much attention while you don’t seem to get any” or “It’s kind of impressive you’ve managed to reach this role given that your work is really fairly average”, other people say “What the actual fuck? Did you mean to be that rude?” And then they shift the asshole into the Do Not Interact If Possible category in their own mind.

The minute she starts with the constructive criticism tell her to mind her own business and concentrate on her own job. Is she any good at her job?

I did work with two men once who fell into a habit of putting me down or teasing me about my work performance. I got both of them together and told them their behaviour was not okay with me playing the stooge in their joking. To be fair, they said they realised things had got out of hand and they stopped the behaviour. But it sounds like your colleague is far worse than these two ever were.

These are not friends. Friends look out for you and stick up for you, bigging you up whether you think they should or not.

You’re letting people bully you and you need to fight fire with fire. It’s the only way to get them to back off. They’re not friends and you don’t owe them anything. A couple of stock phrases should do the trick.

‘Did you mean to insult me? It makes you look very insecure when you do that.’

’I don’t understand why you would say that out loud. It’s very rude’.

’Why do you think it’s appropriate to talk about/to other people like that?’

’Did you mean to say that out loud?’

’I don’t understand. Can you explain to me what you mean by that?’

Look up Jefferson Fisher on YouTube. He has excellent ways of turning situations like this to your advantages

These women are not your friends. Real Friends don’t put you down constantly. A very good true friend might directly tell you something they are worried about but do it with care/love/support.

You are choosing these people!

I saw a quote recently that’s absolutely true here….

’It’s better to be alone than wish you were alone’. It applies to so many OPs on here! Be brave, walk away!

And it's at that point that you keep sticking up for yourself. You say: it's not funny, it's cruel. I don't like it. If you are actually my friend, listen to what I have just told you and respect it. If I am just a sidekick to make you feel better about yourself, move on and find another one.

I read a similar one recently that I thought was wise:

I'd rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I'm not.

OP, it's empowering to be yourself, let people judge and dislike and reject you for it, and still stand your ground. That way, you start to attract people who like you for who you are.

These aren’t friends but bullies. Speak to HR about the work colleague