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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I always get lumbered with this type of friend

30 replies

PenelopeHofstadter · 26/06/2024 23:23

By this type of friend I mean ones that put me down whilst going on about how amazing they are, and seem to view me as beneath them.

I had a uni friend who was like it, years ago. She used to say things like she thought I was ugly but 'had a nice personality' but that it was hard for her having 'both looks and a great personality'. She seemed to pick up on my low esteem and any weaknesses I had and then make me feel rubbish about myself. She would always say that men were looking at her, and say that she understood how hard it must be for me being friends with someone as attractive and attention grabbing as her.

I then ended up with a 'mum friend' like this when the kids were younger, and I had to fall out with her in the end to get rid of her.

Now I'm lumbered with a 'work friend' who thinks she's amazing at the job and tries to put me down and make out I'm useless. She even recently said I was 'very average' at the job we do, when I know I am really good at it. She also constantly offers constant 'constructive criticism' on my work, all totally unasked for and calls me sensitive if I don't like it.

Why do I always end up stuck with this kind of friend?

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 01/07/2024 13:54

BananaLambo · 27/06/2024 03:52

You’re letting people bully you and you need to fight fire with fire. It’s the only way to get them to back off. They’re not friends and you don’t owe them anything. A couple of stock phrases should do the trick.

‘Did you mean to insult me? It makes you look very insecure when you do that.’

’I don’t understand why you would say that out loud. It’s very rude’.

’Why do you think it’s appropriate to talk about/to other people like that?’

’Did you mean to say that out loud?’

’I don’t understand. Can you explain to me what you mean by that?’

Look up Jefferson Fisher on YouTube. He has excellent ways of turning situations like this to your advantages

All if this!

1989whome · 02/07/2024 08:09

Id be straight out asking, why do you think you are better? Explain it to me. People do this to others who are already down on themselves or play themselves down for others. If they tell you, you are overreacting tell them this is how I feel and you need to move the hell away from me now. Big girl pants are needed!

GreyCarpet · 02/07/2024 08:12

WrongSortOfPoster · 26/06/2024 23:25

Because you let them do it.

Exactly this.

You choose to get lumbered, stuck with, end up with people like this because you don't get rid of them like everyone else does.

Vestigial · 02/07/2024 08:17

TwigTheWonderKid · 26/06/2024 23:52

I am confused by your concept of "friend".

Friends are people we like and value and who like and value us in return. We are happy to have them in our lives and vice versa.

What you are describing are merely people that you know, who are clearly not very nice. I don't really understand why you would choose to spend time with them and certainly don't understand why you consider them friends?

Exactly this. It’s puzzling that you consider people you (understandably) dislike, and who behave badly to you, ‘friends’.

And if this keeps happening in your life, you need to take some responsibility. No one forces you to have ‘friends’ who criticise and publicly mock you. You are choosing this. Therapy would help.

cheezncrackers · 02/07/2024 08:24

Dictionary definition of friend: a person with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically one exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Can you say that about any of these people OP? No? Then they aren't your friends - they're unpleasant people who are looking for someone they can talk down to in order to make themselves feel better. Don't socialise with people like this, don't even speak to them, they aren't your friends. Find people with whom you have stuff in common, people you like, people who make you feel good, listen to you, share things with you. Those people will be your friends.

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