Am I misinterpreting texts from my coworker?

[DearSwan]

this isn’t about a romantic relationship I just didn’t know what topic to put it under!

so my coworker who is older than me and married with kids, has recently started adding kisses and 🥰 emojis in our WhatsApp messages (for reference we whatsapp only about work projects as we’re in different departments and he doesn’t use email, we don’t WhatsApp about our personal lives etc).

I’ve worked with him for 3 years but only in the last couple of weeks he’s started doing this. In person he acts totally normal, no different to how he was before, he’s a really nice guy, never made any inappropriate comments etc. At first I wondered if these additions to his messages were some sort of attempt at being flirty? But then I was in his office the other day and he mentioned his wife which to me is a very “I’m taken and I’m making you aware of that” thing, like if he was trying to flirt with me on text wouldn’t your wife be the last thing you’d bring up in any convo?

im just a bit confused as to where this new WhatsApp vibe has come from and I can’t tell if he’s just being overly friendly or if he’s trying to be flirtatious and it’s too awkward to ask him obviously. I know I definitely don’t send my coworkers 🥰 emojis and kisses. Am I overthinking this?

I'm far more worried about the GDPR implications of you two using something other than work-provisioned communication tools to discuss work. Are you discussing other people in these WhatsApp messages? Colleagues? Clients?

I am also questioning how the situation came about where this person just 'doesn't' use email. I don't know what field you're in obviously but email is a pretty basic requirement for professional communication in most workplaces. Heck, even my uni and my kids childcare lay out really clearly that students are expected to have & use email... and we're the ones paying them 😆
Do others in your workplace use email? So you (& others) have to specifically resend things on whatsapp to keep him in the loop? How does he contribute to group discussions or stay up-to-date on training, organisational stuff, etc? I guess what I am saying is - is he pulling his weight, and not creating extra work for others?
Private messaging apps like whatsapp would be considered completely inappropriate in my workplace - not only does the organisation not have an electronic 'paper trail' like they would on their own email system, they would also be trusting that app with the security of any sensitive or confidential information. It would not be ok at all.

Just adding, OP... I know it's awkward if this is the situation that's been established, but if he is allowed to just not use email, you are surely allowed to just not use whatsapp. I would just have a big clear-out of apps on my phone and just let him know you're not doing whatsapp any more.

If you have a good relationship I would just respond “dude you have to stop using the 🥰 emojis it’s not appropriate, you are married and we don’t have that kind of relationship” but I’m blunt. I know it’s not for everyone

My middle aged mum uses 😂 for crying and 😏 for 'oh no'. I had to explain that 🍆 and 🍑 don't usually refer to aubergines and peaches, which she thought was ridiculous.
You won't know until you ask.

I’d speak to him directly. ‘Do you know that it’s inappropriate to put emojis like that on messages? You can’t do that. Can you be sure not to do it again, thanks.’

@Catoo I really like this advice, thanks!

I wish all men and women in relationship would do "grey rock and cut dead" to all other men and women.

Sigh!

I don't think this is innocent. He's in his forties - not 90. He mentions his wife and starts with these inappropriate messages. I agree that he's testing you out to see how receptive you are. When I was a young thing, middle aged men with wives and children actually thought I fancied them and they were in with a chance! What would I want with somebody's unfaithful middleaged husband with a couple of no doubt resentful small children in tow. I just felt sorry for their wives. I never gave them the slightest encouragement and they soon got the message.

You've mentioned he has a wife. I wonder how his wife would react if her husband was doing this.

People have different boundaries.

If you are uncomfortable with the emojis then you need to say so and tell him don't send the heart empji anymore please. It makes me feeel uncomfortable about our work relationships.

It might be all innocent texting ... it might not be ... what if he started sending flirty messages or worse photos of himself.

Nip it in the bud now.

For me personally who has worked decades with all ages and types, I think it is no big deal. I wouldn’t even think about it as an issue. I get hearts and kisses from so many staff members and I love it. It doesn’t seem like a come on (but you should say something to him or your manager if you don’t feel comfortable).

Begining of pushing boundries for sure.
He sends them to male collegues as pp asked?
Ask whats the emotcions for?!

I would just ignore it. The suggested replies on here seem to be blowing things out of proportion to me. Just focus on work, and keep your own messages businesslike. If he ever oversteps in word or deed, that would be the time for a firm redirection.

Who doesn't do email? Are you sure he doesn't?

I feel like he's trying to create a bond between you two beyond work stuff. I'd look out for what's Apping out of work hours and bringing personal lives into conversation.

I think I'd nip it in the bud now. -
"John I'm not really a fan of emojis and don't think they have a place in a work conversation. Thanks"

See how he responds.

You could start using the vomit emoji 🤮 or just ask if he uses the 🥰 emoji with his male colleagues. I bet he doesn’t. Men his age aren’t usually that clueless about emojis.

People tend to use WhatsApp at my work when they want to be a bit more private and less professional. I am sure he is aware of that (look at our MPs of the same age).

My first thought was that he's definitely being flirty but then in my own workplace (mostly women) we use the various heart emojis all the time to each other. My boss has started using emojis all of a sudden but none of the 'love' ones.

It could be that another colleague is using hearts in her messages to him and he's thinking that must be your normal texting culture and he's trying to fit in.

Either way I would just respond to messages minus the cutsey hearts, I wouldn't embarrass him by saying anything.

I was on a work WhatsApp group and someone asked what everyone was doing at the weekend. The usual boring replies except one older person (maybe late 50s) who put this

💦💦🍆

It turned out she was going wild swimming and then eating an aubergine curry that she'd made! She didn't know that emoji carried specific meanings. And she CERTAINLY didn't know that it meant "rainshower greengrocers" ( which is what it really means).

I don't think it's a flirty emoji. Maybe a thanks or appreciation.

@MauveOrPossiblyTaupe

Did that really happen though?

Do this please. You can keep it light and holy to save his face in case it was nothing but mark his cards you don’t accept any setting the scene for intimacy.

id say it’s not innocent.

Holy? Jokey!

Why use WhatsApp for business purposes anyway? Stick to emails…..

Yes, some women almost see it as positive, like it's an extra accomplishment to persuade someone to stray from their marriage.

I had a friend like that. She started bragging to me about it so I ended our friendship. She liked the thrill of married men.

Same. Back in my twenties I had quite a number who clearly were trying to see if I was interested. I stayed very cold and professional and they soon got the hint.

It's 2024 and he doesn't email?? So company info is going by WhatsApp? That doesn't sound great from a security perspective, let alone the dodgy emoji!