My relationship with myself.

[Theneverendingcycle]

Hi all
I'm so lost. So so lost. I was a mum with my own house car and job at a young age my sons now a teen and I had my daughter 6 years ago I am 32 now and I am so lost within myself.

Like most of us I've had some shite relationships with men who have confused abused and destroyed me in all senses and now I'm left feeling so lost. Who am I? What do I want? When will I find love? Why am I so lonely but have no energy to go out? What TV do I like? What is my favourite colour? It's ridiculous I am so so so lost!!!!

How do I find myself? With 2 kids on my own with no support and no down time....who am I?!

Just to reassure you, I think we all go through phases like this even in older life.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Look for opportunities to just be yourself and not someone’s mother or worker/colleague/partner if you become one.

Try to do stuff just for you.
It’ll pass, so don’t stress or ruminate on it. I would say it happens to us all from time to time.
Hand hold on its way …

@PashaMinaMio oh gosh...so I'm going have to feel like this again at another point....jeeze it's hard work isn't it?

I'm going to embrace everything as you've suggested..thank you... and thank you for the handhold

And breathe.

The answers to all your questions will come but they do not have to come today. Take the pressure of yourself first and slow down the mental activity. Your mental well being should be your first priority. Followed by healthy nutrition and physical well being.
The path through trouble is always a step at a time and a day at a time.
Start to create a life that you don't need a vacation from.
Happiness means feeling you are on the right path in every moment. You don't have t arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.

Ooh, OP, I felt like you at 37 when marriage broke down and I had two children.

I can tell you what I did, which really helped tp find 'me' again.

I started a list and as I thought of things, I added them to it. I included things I wanted to be and wrote them in the present tense as though they described me - even though some didn't. Everything was phrased positively so, eg, rather than "I want to lose weight" I wrote "I am a healthy weight" "I exercise" even though neither were true at the time!

Then I colour coded everything - green was stuff I could change immediately like "I have well kept nails" and "I eat healthily". Orange was stuff that was mid term like "I have a job I enjoy" (and I started looking immediately). Red were longer term plans "I am in a loving relationship".

I tried out new hobbies - BMF, yoga, choir, swing dance classes, joined a band etc. Some stuck and others didn't.

I remembered all the things I was and did before I had children and decided which of those still resonated with me (eg music).

I wrote down everything - the food I liked, the films I liked, my political leanings, my friends. Everything.

I asked people I trusted to give me three reasons they liked me (that was an interesting revelation!) I asked a mix of men/women; people I'd known for longer, people I'd only recently met. Didn't make it a big deal just told them it was an exercise I was doing for therapy and left it as that. I only asked people I thought would participate in the spirit of it, and that's why I asked people I trusted.

It gave me a really holistic view of myself. I remembered things about myself I'd long lost or forgotten. Nobody thought it was strange.

That was 12 years ago. I'm in a job I love in the career I trained for when I often wondered if I'd made a mistake before. I have a partner I love and who loves me. My children are thriving.

That's what I did and it worked for me.

I didn't do all of this overnight!

I added to the list over time.

Green stuff I changed immediately but the rest sort of evolved over the next month to 5 years.

And breathe.

The answers to all your questions will come but they do not have to come today. Take the pressure of yourself first and slow down the mental activity. Your mental well being should be your first priority. Followed by healthy nutrition and physical well being.
The path through trouble is always a step at a time and a day at a time.
Start to create a life that you don't need a vacation from.
Happiness means feeling you are on the right path in every moment. You don't have t arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.

One more thing, my son was a teenager when my daughter was 6.

Once a week, he would babysit so that I could do a hobby. They're now 25 and 18 and couldn't he closer.

It's hard and it's unfair but you can turn all of this round. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself to do it all now.

As PP said, it happens to almost all of us at some time. Feels so horrible to be in it.

Here's a fun challenge - it got me out of a similar identity crisis/low energy/low motivation rut.

Do something you have never done before every day for a year. get a nice notebook or open a private blog or file on your laptop or phone to record your experiment.

Start small if you want - different foods, soaps, drinks, routes to school, work, home etc. Play artists/songs/music styles you don't know on Youtube or Spotify; tune into a radio station you have never listened to before, do an online yoga/tai chi/HIIT/bodyweight workout. Build up to easy but slightly more challenging stuff - maybe visit a local landmark or beauty spot, gallery or museum; try a new physical activity like kayaking, paddle-boarding, wild swimming, jive dance, rock climbing etc.

You might want to do easy things during the week and harder things at weekends. Record each activity with a note about what you felt about the new things during and afterwards. Anything you like, try to incorporate it into your life, or try other similar things.

Another helpful thing to try is to divide life into 9 categories: Home, Family, Finance/Work, Fitness & Health; Community/Society; Friends; Fun; Spirituality; Education, Romance etc. You choose your categories - the only one that has to be included is Community/Society. Then you do one thing each week to improve that thing in your current life. Home could be tidy or declutter or redecorate or reorganise; Family could be taking child to park for picnic after school or going to visit a relative you like. Community is contributing in some way to the wider world - through charity or activist group or church etc.

The theory is, as you develop each of these areas, your life becomes stronger and more rewarding in every way. Then if one aspect of life, or even two or three, all collapse at once, the other aspects are thriving and help you through. Again, you just keep a record in a notebook or online file on what you do each week. After a few weeks, you start to feel better.

@GreyCarpet That is a great post. I love it.

I wish 9d done the whole dividing life in to categories! I did loosely but that sounds like a great idea!

@Mysticguru Thank you - my mental activity is CRAZY i have so much in my mental head space constantly, the mental load is a lot and i'm trying my best to slow it right down however I do struggle with this, mental load of 2 children coupled with house, job, dog, rabbit, car ,child arrangement court going on with DD's dad who I have a restraining order against (the worst abuser ever) my head is full fast and crammed all the time! My kids are disabled so that makes everything that bit harder! I can't even get past the first step with slowing my mental activity 😥

@GreyCarpet I absolutely love this idea - love love love. And i am so glad you did that and it helped you, im going to do that too! I am so happy you found happiness and love and your children are thriving too this gives me so much hope - I'm off to find my notebook and my highlighters!!!!!

@GreyCarpet we have children with the same age gap :) thats a good idea regarding babysitting and your DS - ill consider that. At the moment my sons having a mental health break down so not right now but I will in the future 100%

5 years is not a long time considering how long we could potentially live right - id say you did that very well and quickly! I was with a man (my ex dp) who i thought was my forever, thought we would get married and this was it - until last year (almost exactly) it ended, horribly and he was not the man i thought he was since then I have been more lost than ever and this really gave me the boost i needed and something to try so thank you

@Meadowwild Gosh it sucks doesn't it!

I am totally down for this challenge too...

I LOVE a new notebook and i love the idea of this - im going to do this aswell - even if on the mad days its just a small thing like different route to the shop or whatever!

"Another helpful thing to try is to divide life into 9 categories: Home, Family, Finance/Work, Fitness & Health; Community/Society; Friends; Fun; Spirituality; Education, Romance etc. You choose your categories - the only one that has to be included is Community/Society. Then you do one thing each week to improve that thing in your current life. Home could be tidy or declutter or redecorate or reorganise; Family could be taking child to park for picnic after school or going to visit a relative you like. Community is contributing in some way to the wider world - through charity or activist group or church etc" this is amazing and can also help alongside what @GreyCarpet said too i guess - writing it all positive in my green orange and red....i love both ideas and i love the theory behind them

Thank you - i am going to do this :)

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Well I've been a work in progress for 12 years and I still am! But every little step is progress isn't it? I hate the feeling of stagnating and becoming 'stodgy' mentally.

As a pp said - one foot in front of the other.

The best thing about it is that, you feel stronger in yourself just by starting the process. Every step is a positive step that you are taking and making. Some things get abandoned but that's OK because they aren't your thing but you gave it a go.

That's what I used to tell myself. I couldn't fail. Eg I did BMF for 12 months and decided I didn't want to continue it because I didn't want to get up for an exercise class at 7am on a Saturday because I realised I really enjoyed going to the pub on a Friday to see a live band and have a couple of beers. And there was my answer. Rather than feeling like I'd failed, i realised that 8am exercise classes weren't for me; live music was.

Paperblanks do some really nice notebooks and they have little envelopes/pockets at the back to store Important Things in. Like tickets and mementos of things you've done along the way.

(I also love a notebook...)

@GreyCarpet I think everyone is a work in progress right - good on you! I feel the same when my brain turns into a bowl of pasta and carbs basically haha it makes me feel like a slug.

I reckon Id be the same as you - at the live music loving life! Eventually - when i escape from the kids that is! But yes, hearing some things get abanonded is exactly what i needed to hear too or else id of beaten myself up until I realised it myself, but knowing me, i wouldn't of trusted myself with the realisation so I am going to write that down on my front page!

Thank you OP and i am so happy you smashed this x

@GreyCarpet bye bye money hello paperblanks - how have i never heard of this before?
I am actually excited for this now :) Thank you so very much x

Yeah, I deliberately didn't mention the money part... 😁

I've a small collection of them now because they're my little treat - mostly empty!

Good luck!

That's why I loved doing a new thing every day. You don't have to sign up for a whole term of anything. I tried loads of things once and then just stuck with things I liked without feeling guilt for not keeping going to things that didn't make me happier.

They don't have pockets, but Peter Pauper notebooks (available on Amazon) are just as beautiful as paperblanks but way cheaper I have a massive notebook problem so usually go for the Peter Pauper ones.

Notebooks have arrived. Money has left the bank and now we eat beans for a week..haha no only joking. Peter pauper ones are amazing too!

OK...let's do this! This is a great idea thank you all

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Good luck on refinding you!

And it would be lovely to hear how you're getting on 😉

I'm sure you'll always find support if you wobble x

As an aside . To clear your mind learn how to practice mindfulness. It really works and only takes a few minutes. Have a free trial of the Headspace app. Some great ideas on here . Good luck x

Let us know how you get on!