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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My relationship with myself.

29 replies

Theneverendingcycle · 26/06/2024 12:35

Hi all
I'm so lost. So so lost. I was a mum with my own house car and job at a young age my sons now a teen and I had my daughter 6 years ago I am 32 now and I am so lost within myself.

Like most of us I've had some shite relationships with men who have confused abused and destroyed me in all senses and now I'm left feeling so lost. Who am I? What do I want? When will I find love? Why am I so lonely but have no energy to go out? What TV do I like? What is my favourite colour? It's ridiculous I am so so so lost!!!!

How do I find myself? With 2 kids on my own with no support and no down time....who am I?!

OP posts:
Wellthatsit · 28/06/2024 09:16

What a wonderful thread with some amazing ideas!
OP, have you listened to the final episode of Michael Mosley's (RIP) BBC radio show Just One Thing? It's an interview with a professor discussing ways to lead a better and more contented life and it is really inspiring. It's on BBC Sounds.

Mmhmmn · 28/06/2024 09:16

Meadowwild · 26/06/2024 18:32

As PP said, it happens to almost all of us at some time. Feels so horrible to be in it.

Here's a fun challenge - it got me out of a similar identity crisis/low energy/low motivation rut.

Do something you have never done before every day for a year. get a nice notebook or open a private blog or file on your laptop or phone to record your experiment.

Start small if you want - different foods, soaps, drinks, routes to school, work, home etc. Play artists/songs/music styles you don't know on Youtube or Spotify; tune into a radio station you have never listened to before, do an online yoga/tai chi/HIIT/bodyweight workout. Build up to easy but slightly more challenging stuff - maybe visit a local landmark or beauty spot, gallery or museum; try a new physical activity like kayaking, paddle-boarding, wild swimming, jive dance, rock climbing etc.

You might want to do easy things during the week and harder things at weekends. Record each activity with a note about what you felt about the new things during and afterwards. Anything you like, try to incorporate it into your life, or try other similar things.

Another helpful thing to try is to divide life into 9 categories: Home, Family, Finance/Work, Fitness & Health; Community/Society; Friends; Fun; Spirituality; Education, Romance etc. You choose your categories - the only one that has to be included is Community/Society. Then you do one thing each week to improve that thing in your current life. Home could be tidy or declutter or redecorate or reorganise; Family could be taking child to park for picnic after school or going to visit a relative you like. Community is contributing in some way to the wider world - through charity or activist group or church etc.

The theory is, as you develop each of these areas, your life becomes stronger and more rewarding in every way. Then if one aspect of life, or even two or three, all collapse at once, the other aspects are thriving and help you through. Again, you just keep a record in a notebook or online file on what you do each week. After a few weeks, you start to feel better.

This is really good the 9 categories thing. Might do this myself!

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 28/06/2024 09:40

I would save up to book some sessions in with a good therapist. Think of it as self investment. All of the questions you listed can only be answered by you ... you just need help unknotting your mental space and a good therapist will help draw all of those answers out. In the mean time try and think of the positives. You have 2 healthy children and at 32 time is still on your side. By the time you reach 40 the bulk of your parenting years will be behind you and you will have a lot more time for yourself. If you do the work now you will be on top of the world for the 2nd half of life.

Beechview · 28/06/2024 09:49

Start off small op.

Can you get out for a walk in nature? Go walk and think about all this. Your mind is swirling at the moment but when you walk and think, the swirling has momentum and is more forward looking and solutions will come up.
You'll also find it calming.

Find a show on Netflix or iplayer or whatever you have that you'll think you'll enjoy and just find a time slot to commit to it.

Start there and see how you get on.

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