Accepting it's over when I still want it more than anything

[souldistraught]

I don't know how to start this post, how to explain my predicament or what I want to hear from anyone kind enough to read my ramblings and reply.

I will start by saying I'm 5 days post partum so perhaps hormones are playing a part and I'm generally tired and confused.

I'm 44 years old. I have five children now, the youngest two with my partner. We've been together for 6 years now and in all honesty I've spent the last two years utterly miserable and bereft. I love this man so much, I adore him. He's my best friend and not only do I find him incredibly attractive and he makes me laugh out loud all the time, he's a great father and step-dad, he's smart, hard working, kind and caring. Every single day he goes out of his way to help me with day to day life and with his little acts of service, like breakfast in bed.

Things have been bad for well over a year now. Our sex life has become non-existent and we treat each other like house mates. I've expressed to him countless times that I'm unhappy and I need some physical contact and connection. It sees to fall on deaf ears. He has always maintained that he's desperate to keep the relationship going and continue as a family. He talks about things that are ten years in to our future and seems to think we will be together for the rest of our lives. But how? When he clearly doesn't want me in the same way that I want hiim.

I've said many times now that we have to accept it's over and draw a line under the relationship. He talks me round, telling me that I'm the problem. If only I could stop talking about leaving, if only I was kinder to him, if only I stopped pushing him away etc, everything would be good. But I'm so tired of trying now, I just can't see any rewards for my efforts. I try so hard to not complain and hope that he will reach out to me and show me some affection, but he doesn't. And so I just lose patience and resort to tears and saying I can't bear it and it's over.

Something was said this evening, something totally innocuous, but it brought it home to me how long it's been since I actually had any physical attention from him. I was brushing my teeth and I started to cry. When I came out of the bathroom he was snoring so I slipped in to bed and although I tried, I was silently crying next to him.
After a few minutes he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, don't worry. He kept asking me, and I said it's nothing you've done, go back to sleep. He pressed me, so I told him. His reply was 'oh right' and he turned over and went back to sleep.

I'm so done now. I'm so broken by his rejection. But I love him and I want him back the way he used to be.

It's not coming back, is it?

I'm also sitting here in similar situation. Can't sleep. Feel sick. Sending you a hug. Pls DM me if you need someone to talk to. I desperately do.

You had a baby 5 days ago? I'd say do your very best to put this on the back burner for now and get through the next few weeks. If everything you say about him is right then there is probably a way back. 5 kids is....a lot

I'm so sorry you are going through the same thing. It's the worst feeling when you absolutely love someone with every bone in your body and they claim to love you too, but seem incapable of physical connection. It's not even really about sex for me anymore, I have been existing on barely any for the last 18 months. I just want him to show me that he still finds me attractive. Anything. I'd take his crumbs.
I'm not unattractive. I take care of myself and get plenty of male attention. But I don't want it, I want his attention. It's heartbreaking.

You're right. But I've been getting through the next few weeks for such a long time now. Trying to hold it together, not complain, be happy and smiley, someone he wants to be around. I get nothing back with regards to physical contact. It's like he's repulsed by me. Yet if I talk to him about it he insists that he loves me and that I'm the problem.

Maybe he can't have sex not that he doesn't want to.
Also five children is a lot financially ect, stop trying so hard and it might get better or he might have a medical reason.
I can't imagine wanting to have sex five days after having a baby though.

Nor me.. seems strange to bring this up just after having your fifth child

No I don't want sex! God, no. I just want him to hold me and care when I cry.

Before baby was born, yes I wanted sex. I can't recall the last time though.

You are deliberately misunderstanding. I don't want to have sex now ffs. I am sad that he doesn't ever seem to want to touch me or have any sort of contact with me. I am frequently upset about this, now is no different.

Relationship can be very strange. My Stbxh and I had regular really good sex 3/ 4 times a week .Every night arms around each other as we slept ,but ( yes there is a bit but ) he had a mistress for yrs and I didn't have a clue , so even with all this physical touch it can still go wrong .. I don't know why my husband went elsewhere but he did .. It has destroyed 35 yrs of our relationship and I feel so lost at times .. I'm sorry to say but your husband doesn't seem capable of meeting your physical needs ..My heart breaks for you x

Congratulations on your baby.

I think you need to prioritise your physical wellbeing and baby's fourth trimester. Take a look at things when baby is six months to a year old. When you've had time to reflect.

Yes, I think you're right. As hard as it is to accept, we're just not sexually compatible. He's not meeting my physical or emotional needs.
I know that talking to him about it will result in him insisting we're fine, that it's in my head and that my bringing it up again 'isn't a turn on'. It's like he just doesn't see a problem, or he's refusing to see it. I'm not sure which.

I need to find my resolve and just end it. But it feels impossible when I love him so much and when he always convinces me that we can make it work. We can't. Not unless I'm prepared to accept what is essentially a platonic relationship.

Have I missed something? What happens when you go to hug him?

He'll hug me back. But it feels hollow, I can't explain. There's a huge gap between us in bed each night. We don't touch at all.

Having young kids (especially 5) is exhausting. I don't think it's unusual for couples to grow apart physically when in the thick of it with a young family. I get to the end of the day and feel touched out and knackered - and the last thing I want is any physical contact when trying to get some sleep- could he be feeling something similar?

Your emotions are going to be all over the place and you’re going to be exhausted.
im sorry you’re not getting the hugs and touches you need.

I think though you haven’t got much choice but to pull together with the new baby and focus on them and then in a few months see if he’ll go to joint counselling with you. Then you’ll know you tried everything.
If you take what he says at face value that he still wants to be in the relationship then he obviously doesn’t have the same need for physical touch so it’s whether you can work through that or not, but for now you have to focus on the baby and other kids i think, it’s not the right time to be making huge decisions.

I wouldn't make any decisions while you are still postpartum. In a couple of years re-evaluate. Having babies is exhausting, for the dad too - it just isn't the right time. He should be supporting you though this time, maybe frame it that way.

Just to add , after having his baby is when he should feel closest to you , he should be hugging you and making you feel loved .. One thing I use to notice when myself and my husband use to argue was if I ended up crying he would turn his back to me in bed and I just couldn't understand how he could do that as it would break my heart if he cried . He also had hugh empathy for our children but none for me ..Of course it was infidelity that ended our marriage but looking back now there were signs he was closed off from me emotionally even though we had lots of physical touch ..Like you I loved him soooo much and didn't want to live without him ,but I just couldn't move past his affair. Have you tried counselling together ? Perhaps a Councillor could get through to him what he needs to do .. I think he is emotionally closed off from you ..Talk is cheap! He can say he loves you to the moon and back but actions speaks alot louder than words ..Best of luck x

Well, it wasn’t a platonic relationship nine months ago, was it? With the greatest respect, your description of your partner doesn’t seem to outline that much of a problem compared to many posters on here, he seems to be kind, cares for you (breakfast in bed) ,….

When he does hug you, you feel it’s not enough , or not ‘right’. This sounds like a problem in your feelings, possibly ( probably) caused by stress ( four children and a baby!) , hormones and general anxiety.

Take a deep breath and try to get some sleep, OP. Is there anyone ( HCP, priest, but not a friend) you could talk to who could help you re frame your feelings.

i do hope you can reach a calmer place, the upheaval of breaking up at the moment would be pretty horrendous.

Congratulations on your new baby op 💐

I think you are being a little harsh on your DH who is demonstrating his love for you every day through acts of service. And you can't see it!

The thing is op, you can get in to a very negative cycle with emotionally distant men. In order for them to share, you have to be a safe receptacle and one who isn't frustrated and angry.

It's not easy when your love languages are different but you need to have a proper adult conversation when both of you are rested.

Wait until your hormones are stable before you say anything further.

It does seem that he loves you.

If you keep crying and pushing him it won't end well. Back off and get some counselling or support. Then have a conversation once your hormones have balanced themselves.

It could be that he's just feeling under pressure to provide for all these kids or something. Or struggles to maintain an erection and worries that holding hands or cuddling may mean you want more and he can't handle that...

Stop reading between the lines and enjoy your baby. Congratulations.

This OP, this is no time to make big decisions. You've got enough on your plate already. Focus on your newborn, and then consider counselling in a few months.

Doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid or right, but hormones are everywhere right now, you two are firefighting, you've already got a lot of kids that make it very hard to focus on eachother, you're getting bad sleep, etc. it's not a tine for major decisions.

If your default was, when not hugged when you first wanted to be, was to feel rejected, could you have been making it worse since by repeatedly bringing it up and crying about it? That's not really the way to go about it, men find it deeply off-putting when faced with neediness.
At the least you had sex 9 months ago, so it's not been going on that long.
Your instinct is to bail, despite having 5 DC's, which probably is due to an anxious attachment style. Do you push people away at perceived rejection by getting emotional? Has this happened before? Is this a familiar pattern perhaps?
There are steps you should take for the sake of your DC's before jumping to splitting, especially as he's still claiming there is nothing wrong. What is obvious by his reaction is that he is fed up about you crying over it. So upset and yet so keen to end it - which is rather odd.
Take steps, see what happens, they are the same as for in prep to leaving. Start by working on your independence of him, don't look to him for reassurance. Arrange to go out with friends while he looks after the DC's. Show him your strength within the relationship, act like you don't need him anymore essentially.
Either he will notice a shift and be more attracted by your independence, or at least you will develop the necessary independent skills that will help you when you split, if nothing changes. Heck you might even meet someone better along the way. You have nothing to lose and can take all the time you need on this.
Right now, you seem to want to rush to it being over when you don't need to. Disengage from him first and see if he comes to you, in a nutshell.

This is the thing...he says I make him feel stupid if he tries to kiss or hug me. I am pretty independent and can do everything for myself, I don't NEED him. I have my own money and would manage without him fine. I just happen to still want him, even though I know deep down that there's been a shift and it's not working.
I certainly don't cry all the time. I have my own life and the children keep me very busy anyway. It's just that every so often it becomes apparent that nothing is going to change. It's not going to go back to how it used to be.
I try for a few weeks/months to keep my feelings to myself and not rock the boat by expressing my disappointment in our lack of love and affection. Even though I feel sad every single day of my life, I know that I have to keep my mouth shut and be who he wants me to be - which is now the old me. I'm just not happy with my lot anymore.

Eventually I crack with the frustration of it all and say I can't carry on like this. He always talks me round. Before Christmas he suggested we have counselling, which I was all for, but then he back tracked. He keeps dangling this carrot, that things can be like they were, if only I behave like xyz. But when I behave like xyz fuck all changes.

Don't rush to make any decisions now OP. You have only just had your baby and as you know your hormones will be raging. If you are very emotional and tearful many men can't handle that and tend to ignore and avoid. Wait a while and reassess in a couple of months.
From what you've written your husband seems to show his love very differently to you by his acts of service. Many women would kill for that! Value his caring side and helpful qualities for now and if you need physical support just tell him you need a hand hold and a hug.
Not everyone is physically demonstrative and maybe he just struggles with that. At this stage try not to overthink, your new baby and other children need you and your husband to be a team. Perhaps seek couples counselling in a few months to help you both with your relationship.

Do you all work full time.