Accepting it's over when I still want it more than anything

[souldistraught]

I don't know how to start this post, how to explain my predicament or what I want to hear from anyone kind enough to read my ramblings and reply.

I will start by saying I'm 5 days post partum so perhaps hormones are playing a part and I'm generally tired and confused.

I'm 44 years old. I have five children now, the youngest two with my partner. We've been together for 6 years now and in all honesty I've spent the last two years utterly miserable and bereft. I love this man so much, I adore him. He's my best friend and not only do I find him incredibly attractive and he makes me laugh out loud all the time, he's a great father and step-dad, he's smart, hard working, kind and caring. Every single day he goes out of his way to help me with day to day life and with his little acts of service, like breakfast in bed.

Things have been bad for well over a year now. Our sex life has become non-existent and we treat each other like house mates. I've expressed to him countless times that I'm unhappy and I need some physical contact and connection. It sees to fall on deaf ears. He has always maintained that he's desperate to keep the relationship going and continue as a family. He talks about things that are ten years in to our future and seems to think we will be together for the rest of our lives. But how? When he clearly doesn't want me in the same way that I want hiim.

I've said many times now that we have to accept it's over and draw a line under the relationship. He talks me round, telling me that I'm the problem. If only I could stop talking about leaving, if only I was kinder to him, if only I stopped pushing him away etc, everything would be good. But I'm so tired of trying now, I just can't see any rewards for my efforts. I try so hard to not complain and hope that he will reach out to me and show me some affection, but he doesn't. And so I just lose patience and resort to tears and saying I can't bear it and it's over.

Something was said this evening, something totally innocuous, but it brought it home to me how long it's been since I actually had any physical attention from him. I was brushing my teeth and I started to cry. When I came out of the bathroom he was snoring so I slipped in to bed and although I tried, I was silently crying next to him.
After a few minutes he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, don't worry. He kept asking me, and I said it's nothing you've done, go back to sleep. He pressed me, so I told him. His reply was 'oh right' and he turned over and went back to sleep.

I'm so done now. I'm so broken by his rejection. But I love him and I want him back the way he used to be.

It's not coming back, is it?

Hmm. I see where you are coming from - I am a really tactile, physically affectionate person. My DP is not. It bothered me sometimes at first, then I realised that him not wanting to hug me isn't anything to do with his attraction or love - and now if I want a hug I hug him. If I'm in bed and I want spooning, I'll say 'scootch over here and give me a quick cuddle'! He is more than happy to reciprocate as he knows its important, it just doesn't occur to him as he doesn't feel the need for it like I do. He will automatically hug me when he gets in though as he knows I like it! He is the most devoted, loving and kind person, he is an act of service man and I think that can get a little lost.
Maybe write down every tiny little thing he does for you over a week and see...
I suspect it's become this massive big deal now. If you want it to work, and he is kind and decent, maybe try resetting? Tell him you recognise that he is different in how he shows love and you want to try afresh - maybe ask if you can do a coming home hug as standard and when you want a cuddle, go cuddle him. Take the pressure off and see what happens.

And I would say that love from someone who isn't physically affectionate isn't 'less'. They are showing you in a way that means a huge amount to them. In my DPs case it is removing massive spiders even before I have seen them so I don't have to ask, and picking up what I like from the shop. It's popping a hot water bottle in my bag for the office when my back was sore without me even thinking of it and being 100%, absolutely faultlessly supportive over every career decision I might make even if it impacts family life. That is the stuff that matters to him, and by doing it for me he is showing me how much he loves me. I don't think small acts of service are noticed like they should be sometimes as they aren't flashy or big, but they are actually the demonstration of love I most appreciate.

I am not a tactile person, prolonged hugs and kissing makes me feel quite smothered.
my DH is much more physical. When he wants more contact I notice I withdraw because it feels too much.
I rarely approach him to hug or kiss because then he will respond in a way that is too intense for me.
however, we did talk about this, and it’s better now. I’ve found that I can jokily say get off me now, anns that’s really helpful for me. And I give him more affection now cos I know he wants it, then will say that’s your lot, again jokingly but it holds a boundary.
it’s really hard on both sides when physical wants don’t match up, but for me the more the pressure the less I can give.

Congratulations on your baby!

What has changed in the last year when you say it has been bad for the last year?

Are there other things to be considered here could he be struggling with ED, worry generally and/or stress at work?