Can I rebuild my relationship with DH and stop resenting him, if so how?

[Oldbiddy24]

Really the title explains it. Don't want to bore you with all the reasons but no infidelity, but the man I thought I married many years ago has not turned out as I thought.
We are at a stage where I feel lonely in our marriage, he works late or is out in the evening or asleep on the sofa. Have tried talking about it with him but it falls on deaf ears. If I know something he doesn't, he doesn't believe I am right, so googled it, really annoying. Everything has to be at his pace and according to his priorities
I wanted more than this from a marriage and don't want to give up on it. I can't seem to get past feeling critical of him or positive about him, which makes me feel I am destroying our relationship

Any tips on how can get my feelings across to him better and help us become closer? Has anyone else come back from feeling like this?

You both have to want it to work does your DH want things to improve? It has to be a joint effort and that’s coming from someone who was on the brink of divorce or not far off! We are now happier than ever but it takes time, commitment and work from both sides.

Placemarking as I feel very similar to you, OP😓

Farmerwifefarmlife, thanks for your response. DH wants to stay married but does not seem to understand why I feel distant from him, plus thinks I should forget about things in the past. I don't think he takes on board why I am feeling negative toward him, when I raise things (like him falling asleep every evening) he thinks it's funny. Generally I think he feels I am nagging and dismisses things I ask about changing. I want to find a way of communicating to get my point across without him feeling I am just being negative about him and avoiding him being defensive. Previous attempts have lead to arguments or him just denying that he has upset me, then leads to him checking I still like him 2have calmed down now, which is worse for than an argument.
Can I ask how you worked on things Farmerwifefarmlife? Good that things have improved for you

*"have I calmed down now" , that is meant to say

You can't change him. You can only change yourself. Work on your own life and happiness, follow his selfish example.

Do you both work? Is the housework fivided fairly between you? If not, he may be keen to hold onto the marriage simply because it's convenient for him. He certainly doesn't sound as though he's fussed about making an effort at having a good and enjoyable relationship with you.

@Oldbiddy24 - coming back on because I feel like I'm in a really similar position to you. I've been with DH a long time, we have 4 kids...

Nothing has gone catastrophically wrong in our relationship but a couple of things I can't seem to get past - namely 1) he's made some pretty shit financial and career decisions which has meant we are really not where I expected we'd be in our late 40s in terms of security and our future. 2) he's pretty grumpy and irritable a lot of the time - and I am bored of it. 3) not really his fault - but my in-laws are a toxic headache and we have zero extended family support.

I am trying hard to focus on the positives but I cannot seem to move on from the feelings of resentment. I want to but it's hard.

@Farmwifefarmlife - I'd also be curious to hear how you recovered your relationship.

Long term marriage is hard

Things improved for me when I let go of my expectations a bit and started being selfish

The way he always has been, and many men are, always thinking about their own needs first

For example, I have just been on a holiday to a destination DH was keen to go to too. But he never takes on any mental load stuff, so it would be up to me to sort travel arrangements, hire car, insurance, dog sitter, checking DS (young adult with MH problems is ok) and FIL care is set up ok etc etc

So I just booked the trip for myself and said: I'd love for you to join me, you'll just have to do the logistics yourself (he has been on solo trips many times btw!)

Same with hobbies and going out. I love going out, he finds it an effort. So I go out with friends, sometimes two times a week. He can do a bit of sad face about wanting to watch tv together, but I find watching tv boring.

Being more selfish (if it even is that) has made me feel happier and DH is taking me a lot less for granted.

I have basically figured out I can't expect DH to be everything to me, if I want fun and happiness I need to make it happen myself.

If he wants in, he can join me

If he's moody, I'll go out without him.

When we are together he's nicer to me, and me to him. Win win

@RamonaRamirez I think you have absolutely nailed it with your post.

OP put yourself first, he will either step up to meet you on a better footing or you will find you are perfectly able and happy to enjoy life on your own and you don’t need him after all. Either way is a win.

Either he doesn't realise how unhappy you are, or he doesn't care, and assumes you will carry on putting up with him.

He won't change unless you make it real for him that his marriage is at risk.

Thanks for all your responses and advice. I must make myself more of a priority I know and do my own thing more.
I would like to be able to find a way to communicate my feelings and why I resent him, without it being a character assassination of him and leading to arguments. I want to find a way to have a more positive relationship. Any tips?
Thanks

Go to counselling on your own, you need to be able to talk in a calm safe environment. I think you can communicate to him more than adequately actually, it’s he who dismisses you. I do not think you’d ever find the supposed right combination of words because such men really do not want to believe that they are or can ever be at fault.

Read “too good to leave too bad to stay” by Mira Kirshenbaum

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours is he meeting here?. I can see why he wants to stay married to you, you probably do most if not all the scut work whilst he swans about.

How would you feel if his health deteriorated so that you became his carer?

He has to want to rebuild things as well as you but sadly he seems quite happy as he is. These types of men do not change and you can only change how you react to him.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat , that is really helpful, will look into counselling and that book.
He helps around the house much more than previously, but on his own terms. History of him previously being very bad tempered but now on antidepressant, which has made him more chilled, but I can't move forward from resenting him for what he put me and children through, how he was not there for me at times etc
Thank you

If you are looking for a conversation about why you resent him then stop looking. You won’t get his consent, or his assent, to being (as he will see it) attacked for the ways he has let you down in the past. Its too late to “have your say.”

If you can’t find anything you love about him now the marriage is over, or should be. Everything else is just indecision speaking.

I think it is in one of the books recommended to you: think of yourself as a doctor, not a lawyer. The marriage is a body, not a legal case on trial. You are not marshaling arguments and driving your opponent into a corner to win at all costs. You are looking sympathetically at a patient who is ailing snd trying to figure out what this unhealthy body needs.

I am really appreciating the comments on this thread.

I'm in a similar position and have started to be more selfish, make more independent plans and am trying to force myself to make independent decisions (which is hard, but I hope will get easier).

You need to start going out at night.
Hobby, pub with friends.
Be sure to put on some lippy and perfume.

Let him know that you’re going to enjoy life with or without him.

I'm in this position too. I am trapped by my kids so limited in what I can do by and for myself.

I'm so disappointed, I didn't sign up for this.

Glad this post is helping others that feel like I am. I just feel sad and wish I could change it

I know you’re quite pleased with this but the point at which I decided to be selfish and score points off my DH is when I’d call it a day.

Hey Bob, I’ve decided to take golf lessons. Do you fancy joining me? No? I’ll book one evening in the week then and leave you snoring on the sofa.

You don’t need to be selfish, you don’t need to make yourself a priority, you don’t need to score points off him. You can just live the life you want quite harmoniously with a partner who doesn’t want to do the same thing. Having your own time and space within a relationship is healthy. Just don’t do it in a way that punishes him for being who he is. You can’t expect anyone to be your everything.

Also, if he is depressed, even if on antidepressants, it can make you tired and lethargic. That may be part of the reason why he’s falling asleep early. It could be worth speaking to his GP/psychiatrist.

Thanks @StormingNorman . His medication is really to help his high anxiety. For many years prior to starting it, I encouraged him to see is GP for help with his anxiety and mood, he refused saying it was just the way he was and I should accept it. Since going on medication he is much happier and calmer, his temper has improved. He went to GP a few months ago on my encouragement due to tiredness, blood tests were normal. I think a lot of the tiredness comes down to his time management. He gets up early as it takes him 1.5 to 2 hours to get ready for work. He falls asleep on sofa in the evenings but will wake around 10-11pm, then stay up for another couple of hours. When not asleep on sofa, he is on his phone, out at exercise group, hobbies or work socials. I don't expect him to not have a social life or go out without me, just that he will sometimes prioritise my company and when with me make more of an effort. Trying to communicate this seems to lead to tension or him being miserable for hours.
It will be a good idea for me to plan things I want to do and he can join me if he wants, rather than me constantly trying to fit in with him.
I want to find a way to improve our communication and restore feeling closer, but struggling with how

I don’t see what PP described as scoring points, it’s more just not waiting around for someone or taking on all the work necessary for things to happen

“I went on holiday to a place he really wanted to visit”. Not a place we both wanted to visit.

sounds like point scoring to me. It was more important that he wanted to visit than she did.

It does sound like the tiredness is his own fault! Could he be ADHD or ASD?

ETA: ignore the adhd comment. I was getting confused with a similar thread.

There’s a great Instagram account called Thesecurerelationship