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Original poster

Can I rebuild my relationship with DH and stop resenting him, if so how?

35 replies

Oldbiddy24 · 25/06/2024 23:09

Really the title explains it. Don't want to bore you with all the reasons but no infidelity, but the man I thought I married many years ago has not turned out as I thought.
We are at a stage where I feel lonely in our marriage, he works late or is out in the evening or asleep on the sofa. Have tried talking about it with him but it falls on deaf ears. If I know something he doesn't, he doesn't believe I am right, so googled it, really annoying. Everything has to be at his pace and according to his priorities
I wanted more than this from a marriage and don't want to give up on it. I can't seem to get past feeling critical of him or positive about him, which makes me feel I am destroying our relationship

Any tips on how can get my feelings across to him better and help us become closer? Has anyone else come back from feeling like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Oldbiddy24 · 26/06/2024 23:19

I would not be surprised if he has ADHd or ASD

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 26/06/2024 23:42

You are holding onto resentment for past upsets, this is a choice. Rather than harking back to the past, focus on the now. You seem to be quite reliant on him for company and want him to 'prioritise' you - how about you prioritise yourself? Make arrangements with friends, take up a new hobby, go out to the gym or a run or a yoga class. When your DH sees that you are busy and happy, he will feel less pressured and will spend time with you because he wants to, not because you are complaining to him!

Original poster
Oldbiddy24 · 27/06/2024 07:43

I am holding onto resentment from the past and present. That really was the point of my original OP, seeking advice on how to communicate better and see if there's a way to move forward. I do need to prioritise me but I am looking for ways to feel happier in each other's company when we are together. It is not about me expecting him to keep me company 24/7.

OP posts:
Headingtowardsdivorce · 27/06/2024 09:32

It's doesn't matter how you communicate it to him, he's not listening is he? You've told him how you feel, and unless you were speaking a foreign language he will have understood, but he's chosen to ignore what you're saying.

unlikelychump · 27/06/2024 22:41

Our relationship counsellor just said that resentment kills intimacy. Of course it does, but I am interested if DH took that in.

Mumof3dogs · 29/06/2024 08:15

I could have written the exact same post about the shit state of my relationship with DH .
We nearly split in 2021 but he sucked me back in ..
And here we are again with his shitty selfish attitude making me question our relationship.

I'm nearly 60 and embracing life , he is a bitter grumpy old man at 62

Send wine ..

ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat · 29/06/2024 08:43

There doesn't seem to be anything left to rebuild to be honest. There's no relationship, just a lot of resentment , feeling let down and two people getting on with their lives separately.

I'm some ways like your DH, OH is also like him in some ways. We both fucked up in various ways during the relationship.We still work because despite all that, there's still laughter,respect,care,intimacy and being there for each other and that is something you can work with.

If that's all gone (and it seems like it is) then you're flogging a dead horse.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 29/06/2024 08:51

Oldbiddy24 · 27/06/2024 07:43

I am holding onto resentment from the past and present. That really was the point of my original OP, seeking advice on how to communicate better and see if there's a way to move forward. I do need to prioritise me but I am looking for ways to feel happier in each other's company when we are together. It is not about me expecting him to keep me company 24/7.

Im not surprised you're holding on to the resentment. It sounds like you have had an awful marriage with an angry selfish man and your children have suffered.

Have tried talking about it with him but it falls on deaf ears.
It isnt what you are saying it is that he isnt interested in hearing it. He does what he wants so change impacts him. Why would a selfish man want to change to better someone else?

If I know something he doesn't, he doesn't believe I am right, so googled it, really annoying
he is an arsehole.

Everything has to be at his pace and according to his priorities
he is selfish.

Any tips on how can get my feelings across to him better and help us become closer?
Mariage counselling. Do you think a selfish man will go and listen and want to change? It wont be throwing money away as you might then see that you cannot change people‘s personalities.

I… don't want to give up on it.
Then you are choosing this. People dont change. He wont suddenly not be a selfish arsehole. Do you actually find him attractive?

Original poster
Oldbiddy24 · 29/06/2024 09:02

@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled , thanks for that. I do still find him physically attractive but I am not attracted to him emotionally any more unfortunately. A lot of his behaviours seem child like and he puts on a childish voice with me, which is really off putting. Marriage counselling or me accessing counselling is the next step really

OP posts:
Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 29/06/2024 12:12

Oldbiddy24 · 29/06/2024 09:02

@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled , thanks for that. I do still find him physically attractive but I am not attracted to him emotionally any more unfortunately. A lot of his behaviours seem child like and he puts on a childish voice with me, which is really off putting. Marriage counselling or me accessing counselling is the next step really

Oh. I’d leave. Do you really want to stay with this guy??

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