Over-Reactive Boyfriend

[xTheLoudLeaderx]

My partner is an addict. He blames me for a lot doesn’t offer me much support or a romantic connection. He’s got a short temper and often shouts at me and raises his voice - even leaves me red in the face because I’m that embarrassed. Then he gives me a dressing down of how he’s got deep rooted anxiety of arguing in public due to his parents and how he was brought up, yet he’s doing the same to ! And worse !

You're a sucker for the chemistry, its hard not to be, but with experience you'll learn there is so much more to consider. But if you make it all about the physical attraction, ignoring the rest, you'll always be settling for shit.
He treats you as his skivvy, but that's OK if you rate his his sex appeal? Wrong, long term it will make you miserable.
Decide what you want as a whole package. If an alpha male to you is just someone who is well turned out on a night out and cocky, that's a low bar if it's enough, when the majority of the time he's not working, providing, or caring for you.
Revise your idea of what an alpha male is, because it isn't a man who get their partner to do everything while not lifting a finger themselves. What is he addicted to, and wtf are you even bothering with an addict, that's a flat no for a start, even if they look like God's gift.

Thanks for the replies, the helpful ones !

It’s good to talk, even on here.

Don’t ever question someone’s reason for asking for help. Let’s all look out for each other x

Good advice thank you. I really do need to reset myself on what I want. Thing is I always think I’ve found it, then they almost see they can live off me and turn into the same person. A sponge. I don’t know how I can vet that !

I’ve never been interested in a “flash gordon” but at the same time I’ve been always into hard workers, and they always have been - they’ve just all changed when they met me. Always had a history of being the provider for their ex’s so I don’t understand how they’ve all turned out the same ! Baffled !!!!

Not your problem. He'll just have to get off his arse and sort himself out.

He sounds awful…his addiction is a big problem,but not one you can solve.suggest he gets support and leave him..the lifestyle ye share is not working well for either of you.

I do believe some people just attract a certain kind of person

I think this is a very passive point of view. You have agency in choosing who to date. If you feel you keep attracting the same type of men, go for different men! It's like that saying, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

If you find that men keep eventually sponging off you, simply don't let them! They can't do it if you don't provide for them. It might be worth reflecting on how this has happened in your current and past relationships. Also, if you typically go for alpha male types, you do realise they may have just lied about providing for their exes to big themselves up?

I agree with @Opentooffers that you seem to place a LOT of value on physical attraction and sexual chemistry. It seems like the only positive attribute this current guy has is that he's attractive, but honestly, how can you even still find him attractive given his behaviour? That would turn me right off. Obviously physical attraction is important but it really isn't enough on it's own. Perhaps you should start placing more emphasis on attributes such as being kind, attentive, a good listener, emotionally intelligent, etc.

Op bluntly are you that desperate for a shag?. He sounds grim.
Raise your bar woman!!

Get rid of him ,he's only going to get worse,no job and living off you,he shouts and berates you in public ,do you really want to waste your life on this man?I'm sure your friends and family have noticed his behaviour or will do eventually, get rid before your deeper in it.
Personally I'd give him a few binliners and tell him to get his stuff packed and gtf!

Thing is I always think I’ve found it, then they almost see they can live off me and turn into the same person. A sponge. I don’t know how I can vet that !

They aren't turning, you're just being hopelessly optimistic at the start. By your own words:

When I met him he was everything I wanted, the “alpha male” of his group,

It's not normal to think that being the "alpha male" is a good sign for a relationship. It means someone is trying to project a certain image to everyone, making them the centre of attention. It isn't always a bad thing, but is not normally perceived as an indicator of trustworthiness and reliability!

told me he’s always been the provider in his last relationship, gave his first ex 30k and last ex 10k

"Told you" is really important here. How many guys really give tens of thousands to their exes? Now filter out the ones who are discreet about it, and instead think about the ones who tell their new girlfriend about how much money they gave to their ex? Still perceiving trustworthiness and reliability?

All his mates know and can see what’s happening but don’t say nothing.

Unless you've known them for ages, his mates are his mates, not yours. Why on earth would you expect that to speak up on your behalf?

yet still manages to look good and be “that guy” when it comes to going out.

Again, projecting that "alpha male" image really obviously to other people. It absolutely isn't a strong indicator of a good reliable bet. At best, available for a shag.

I don't want to blame you for shit boyfriends, but from your own words this guy did not look like a good bet right from the start. Do you have a friend you can trust to give an early opinion? Can you write yourself a checklist to review for the next one??

I don't get how an unemployed/underemployed, homeless addict is an alpha male to be honest. He's a major loser and treating you shoddily. Give him a week or two to find a rented place and stick to it.

Hes really attractive but to live around, he spits everywhere, coughs all over, isn’t tidy, sneezes like someone with an addiction and constantly blowing his nose… YACK

What in the name of fuck is attractive about that? he sounds gross.

There’s absolutely nothing alpha about a bullying short tempered unemployed druggie loser who thinks abusing a woman is normal.

He's a low rent freeloading cocklodging skank who needs to grow the fuck up.

Nothing attractive at all about a man approaching middle aged who lives like this.

Get rid and stay single while you work on why you keep being attracted to twats

Get rid of him op. He's a bloody loser. How on earth you don't have the ick I don't know!

Also please do a freedom course to understand why you keep going for similar men so that hopefully you don't make more mistakes going forward.

Being an arsehole is no substitute for being attractive.

And why is it that these men who decide to live off their girlfriends are always the ones who have given £££s to previous partners - bullshit I reckon

You start by finding out what they do for a living and assessing if its a stable job and how long they've been doing it. Then, do they own their own home as you do? - equal footing, and if they have a mortgage to pay, they are going to have incentive to work.
You probably only needed 1 basic rule to stop a repeat, it's not hard, just nobody who doesn't own their own home. That way, they won't be pressing to move in with you. Which is the next rule - never move a man in with you. You buy new together in the future if it progresses to that. This is obvious, so why have you not done it? Start from now on after removal of this lump.

How long were you together when he moved in? was it his idea?
Ask yourself this, if you had put your foot down and told him no living together for at least 4 years would he have respected this because he loves you and really wants to be with you or would he have been out looking for another woman to sponge off when he realised he wasn't about to get free board and lodgings.

How do you know these men used to support their partners?

Sounds like a lie that a cock lodger would make up to fool you into thinking he wasn't one.

Get rid.

Kick him out.

It's not your responsibility to sort his housing issue out, tough shit for him, if he's not got anywhere to go he'll have to go back to his parents house

Tell him to pack up and get the fuck out TODAY.

If he refuses ring the Police. He has absolutely NO RIGHT TO REMAIN.

Tell the Police that he's an addict and has started shouting and abusing you verbally in public which is why your ending the relationship and kicking him out of YOUR home.

Do it today without fail.

If he's an Alpha Type he can move out and provide for himself.

If he can't provide for himself, he's a bullshitter and a beta type and he can move out.

Either way he doesn't deserve to be in your life and in your home, he sounds like a complete dickhead.

Your standards are so low they're dragging on the ground 🙄
Are you that desperate?

No. Some people aren't as quick as others to get rid when someone starts treating them like shit.

Personally, I would consider being an 'alpha male' to he a red flag. You are choosing this type. And, if its happened three times, I'd suggest you change your priorities. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

You need to drop him, before he destroys you. He's treating you like dirt.

It's emotional abuse and the longer it goes on, the longer it will be for you to heal and recover.

He sounds like an Absolute nightmare.

Thanks for all the positive words.

Some people don’t get it and shouldn’t post a reply. He obviously wasn’t like this when we met. He was out going and adventurous and pulled his own weight, then as times passed got lazy and realised he’s with someone who can pull all the weight then an addiction has started, it’s not happened over night - I’m not desperate. But thanks for your input, NOT !

I guess I’ve let things slip now it’s got to a point where I’m just fed up with all the crap. And I’ve been hanging onto a hope that he we change back to his old self.

Also we haven’t been intimate in months, like more than 6 months or so. So whoever said was I that desperate for a shag, no I’m not.