38 single and childless- Feel like Bridget Jones

[MV86]

Hi All,

Id love some insight on this:

I am 38, single and childless. I split up from my long-term partner of 10 years during Covid and moved away and started a new life. I met someone who I fell deeply in love with but the relationship unfortunately didnt work out (complex reasons which are too deep to get into)
I have really tried to work on myself the past 2 years- mentally and physically and on one hand I am really enjoying being able to be independent and self-sufficient, however if I am really honest I yearn for a relationship and the closeness that comes with it- plus I want my own family.

I am getting unsolicited advice off some of my married friends with babies ie “you will find someone- you need to be happy in yourself” - which I find patronising in all honesty as these kind of advice also seem to come off people who didnt spend time alone ever or have been single in their late 30is.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Grateful for any insight :) thanks

I had a child at 42. I met my partner at 36 but neither of us was ready to commit to marriage for about 3 years, then we dithered about having kids then (predictably) we needed IVF. I was in the pits of despair throughout my thirties having had a LTR end when I was 30 and having years of really awful dating. Looking back I’m not sure why I didn’t push DH to get more serious sooner, I guess I was a bit insecure, plus he is almost 5 years younger than me. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and are very happy.

What I am trying to say is that you still have a bit of a window. I’d actually recommend having only 1 child, even though it was more by circumstance than choice that I did.

I met DH by moving continents for work and finding myself in an expat community.a huge shake up was what I needed. It was hard though as the stark reality is that most people in their thirties are in LTRs that will go the course.

Best of luck.

Your dog is gorgeous!

You need to date date date. Set things up for several nights a week for six months. It's a numbers game. That's the only thing to do if you want to meet someone.

Time is not on your side. I bet when you look back at prior relationships you think that some of them should of ended sooner, or maybe never started at all.
It's easy to slip into being with the wrong person for too long, let's face it, if they were right for you, you'd be with them now. So the best you can do now is not waste time with people who are not ticking the necessary boxes. Make sure you have a clear idea of the qualities you would like in a person, and do not overcompromise on their attributes. Do not let yourself fall for a person who fits your life as it is, and will do for now, when you you need someone who is on the same page with your future plans. Also, it doesn't have to be complicated, if it is there's likely too much compromising going on to try and accommodate a relationship.
Then, when you are clear what you want, you need to be proactive, they don't fall into your lap, you need to put yourself out there, join clubs etc. Good lock.

sorry - no advice to give but just wanted to say im 41 and found out i couldnt have kids a few years ago after a difficult break up. Its tough to feel like to "choice" or decision is out of your control, so i totally understand the whirlwind of emotions you are feeling
but i can say that my life is full, soulmates dont have to be romantic partners and actually there are so many other way to build the life you want. A future partner might have kids? you could adopt? or foster? you could choose to get a sperm donor? you could do none of these.
Dont beat yourself up about the "coulda shoulda woulda"s, just try and build the life that you want and that makes you happy :) Even if it doesnt necessarily look like you thought it would

marriage and children aren’t achievements

Sorry, I have to disagree with you there.

I was in the same situation OP, happy in my home, career, life in general but had a series of boyfriends who proved to be deceitful, commitment-phobic or generally bad news. The standard of men out there is woeful.

In the end I gave up on the whole find-a-life-partner malarkey and had ds after becoming pregnant by the last one.

Problem solved. I have ds, our home, my career, friends. Was with ds's dad until ds was two, then circumstances ended the relationship.

Since then 13 years of me & ds, both happy & settled. Joyful. There's been one more boyfriend along the way who proved to be light-fingered, despite me having known him for 20 years. 🙄

I miss having an intimate trusting relationship, but I don't miss the negotiating and the nasty surprises, the lying and let-downs.

For me it's been the best decision I've made. I have more than one married friend who regards me with envy.

I’m an older mum. I had DD at 40. I was with DH for almost 20 years. The first year with baby was the most stressful time. We almost divorced from fighting so much. We both aged fast and got many wrinkles. We will never have the vibrancy that we used to have pre-baby. It changed us physically and mentally. My point is, even if you are with someone when having a baby, it changes so much you won’t be able to guarantee it’ll be a perfect scenario where you’ll stay together. DH and I won’t be having another one. We love our DD so much and I love being a mum but I can’t go through the emotional roller coaster of that first year again.

You sound like a lovely person and wishing you the best x

OP, @Somerandomgirl hit the nail on the head. This is EXACTLY how it is.
i think part of the issue is the British culture of “keep calm and carry on” and showing that everything is ok. If each one of your friends had the courage to open up maybe your jaw would drop…

Not the point but Bridget Jones married and had a child

I am in my later fifties and have amongst my friends all aged 45 to 62 every single permutation of success and misery when it comes to men and children.

If you look at them as individuals and rated them for all manner of categories which I know MN disapproves of there is no correlation or magic formula. The possible reason for the successful marriages is those women knew their own minds and also when young dumped men very quickly that were not up to scratch.

I think it’s important to try to take a longer term perspective. Having children is a wonderful, wonderful thing but they do grow up remarkably quickly. It is a wonderful phase of life, but a phase all the same. As for relationships…reading Mumsnet for a day will tell you everything that you need to know!

I’m in a very long marriage with an adored teenage DC. But my marriage has been very rocky along the way (despite my best efforts) and I am not sure what the future holds. My career has ground to a halt and I’m pretty restricted in what jobs I can go for due to my DC, who has some additional needs and has now reached a crucial stage of their education. I love them totally, but didn’t foresee this situation.

Will my marriage last to retirement? I honestly don’t know. I look into my future and, despite the decades I’ve given to being a wife, there is a good chance that it involves living alone in modest accommodation, perhaps with a pet for company!

My advice to you would be to seriously consider becoming a solo mum, at this point in your life.

Perhaps explore the process a little? Buy a test from a pharmacy to see if you are ovulating. See what kind of fertility services are available in your area. No commitment, just a bit of research.

I dunno. It's hard.

The way I see it, you have two options.

A) Live life to the full - do hobbies, join groups, be your own best friend, travel. Ie live a full life and if you meet someone, it's a happy bonus.

B) Try to find a likeminded male. Treat it like a full time job. Join dating sites etc, be up front about what you are looking for. Treat it like a numbers game, the more men you meet, the more chance of finding a compatible one.

I think there are a lot of women in your situation, but there are also men in their 30s/40s who just want to get married and have kids too.

Just because you have children it doesn’t mean life turns out a fairly tale. And having children also can be hard unless you are financially well off and are very supported. IME as many doors close as open and for some the struggles are almost overwhelming. There are many different ways of living a happy, fulfilling life. You can choose to find a way to do that being single and child free. 39 is young from where I stand. It’s an age that can be the cusp of change.

OP

I've been where you are and all I wanted was my own family. At 30ish I met and later married who I thought was the man of my dreams and we had 2 kids.

He left me for someone younger out the blue and 3 years on we still aren't divorced and the solicitors bills are costing more than the wedding! I now co-parent with someone with a personality disorder.

My children are gorgeous- of course - but both SEN and my life is very hard a lot of the time.

If I could go back in time I wouldn't have chosen the same path probably.

Approx half of marriages end in divorce. We don't talk about this enough. My story is not that unusual sadly!!

If you really want a child you should consider going it alone. It won't put the right man off in future and that way you won't be stuck coparenting with an arsehole forever more!!

What do you want the most/fear the most?

1. Is it that you do desperately want children (no shame there BTW. Lots of women do) and you are aware your biological clock is ticking. You would be absolutely devastated if you reached an age where it was no longer possible
2. Is it that you do like children, but mostly you feel left out amongst your friends/that you don't have common interests with them anymore. That you haven't achieved an important stage in life, and are scared of being left behind (again no shame. It is really difficult if your social group shrinks because everyone is tapping out to have children and hang with other parents)
3. Is it that you really miss being in a proper loving relationship with a decent man and want someone to grow old with (also no shame. Its perfectly normal to want this)
4. Arre you happy in yourself, but worry that from an external perspective you have failed to achieve something you should have achieved. People might think you are a loser/feel sorry for poor sad spinster you.

But whatever the main reasons for your worries are matters, because that affects what you actually do about it.

The first one in particular - if you feel desperate to have children I know that other people saying "oh its not all fun and games you know, count yourself lucky" can really sting. So I wouldn't want to say that even if its true if that was the case

Im 38 this year and im child free not childless im an empty nester feels great tbh i love it.
Im single never married and wouldnt change it.
Life is about finding you finding what makes you happy.

Thank you for all the insightful responses.

Id consider myself pretty pragmatic when it comes to love and children- of course I dream of the fairytale ending but I am acutely aware how difficult relationships can be. This is why I waited a fair bit to have children if I am honest- I wanted to be mentally and financially stable and not just have a child with “anyone” cos I was desperate to have one.
I am genuinely happy alone, I learned to be myself when I first started living on my own 4 years ago- before that I was always in relationships from the age of 19. It felt extremely liberating and exciting to be able to do whatever I please in my own four walls without someone else bugging me- however (!) there comes a time where loneliness hits you real hard.
My parents live abroad so the familial support is not there if needed - ie you are really ill and need someone to bring you groceries or meds - you got to do it yourself.
The reality is that not a lot of people talk about how difficult it is to maintain friendships at a certain age. I really enjoy spending time by myself and being proactive however it is hard when you want to do things and most of your friends are occupied with their own lives and partners and kids. I am completely understanding of that- when you got your own little bubble you want to stay in there.
I know some of you mentioned to try to be a solo mum but this is something I wouldnt be pursuing- a) cos of the financial aspect, b) cos I want to share this experience with a partner and c) my parents arent living in this country as mentioned above so that kind of help that I would need wouldnt be here either.

I sympathise OP. I am 41 and single. I always wanted children and a relationship but it just never happened. I understand the comments from some basically saying it's not the be all and end all but if that is something you really wanted it is devastating if it never happens. I also find it really lonely. All my friends are married with children and it can be very isolating to not have that.

@MV86 The friendship thing might get better. The early years are absolutely overwhelming and you can lose touch, but once the children are more independent a lot of women get a second wind and want to get out of the house again. I know I did!

@biscuitandcake I hope so.🤞

It's easy to say kids aren't the be all and end all.

However- my mum just died. My dad died many years ago. I don't get on with sister and the behaviour during my mums illness and death means I've cut her off.

I have a partner but in my 40s I've conceded kids won't happen.

I feel so alone now my mum is gone. What would avoid me being in this situation without blood relatives- that's right - kids of my own. No one will mourn my death the way I've mourned my mothers etc

It's so easy to say it's fine to be without kids if you already have them and aren't faced with this.

Or "you'll find someone when you stop looking" 😂😂 That advice about being happy in yourself is total rubbish- I know so many maladapted people who haven't been single since their teens. A lot of it is luck, timing and circumstance.

@HowIrresponsible I don't think you can judge how other people will mourn their parents dying. Mine are both dead and I have kids but no partner and feel incredibly alone. I look after and protect my kids- not the other way around. A (good) partner is a source of mutual support, protection, reliance etc. There simply no one I can turn to in the same way that parents and a partner can provide love and support. I'm not saying I have it worse but everyone's grief is very different.

I had a different problem to you in that I had children before any of my main friends. By the time my child was older and I had more free time, they were suddenly having babies and I didn't have anyone to spend time with. My thoughts are:

1. If you are keeping in touch/still friends then probably the friendship will last long term and pick up when they have more free time. Its different if you had been dropped by your friends but it doesn't sound like it. You just sound out of sinc.
2. I started volunteering - especially with organising "community" type activities. These are heavily female dominated - in my experience there is a wide age range of women involved in different stages of life. It took a while but I have people who will come round to help chop trees in my garden when I need it and stuff as well as people I can socialise with/have fun with. I need those friendships because even though have very close lifelong friends from school we live in different places. Its important to have people in my immediate neighbourhood who are friends too. Church can also be good if you are religious or the Women's Institute even. But find something social you enjoy to fill your time.
3. When the children are older you can be the cool aunt. This is an important role.