DDs dad refuses to take her to parties on his weekend

[FlyingFleetwood]

I'll start by saying he's a proven abuser after 5 years in the family court. He now has every other weekend contact of one night on Saturday to Sunday. DD is 6.

Naturally parties fall on weekends and her closest friends parents are very accommodating and some ask what weekends she's with me so they can plan accordingly.

Other parties, I tell the parent to liaise with him but they don't want to as he's abusive and is very difficult so I end up asking if he'll take her. It is always a no. He feign he has grand plans for DD with family and friends but when she returns she tells me she did nothing.

Is this something I just need to let go of and hope DD sees it in the future? She's so upset on a Monday morning when the kids are talking about parties she wasn't able to go to.

Anyone else have an ex like this?

His time is his time. If he chooses not to attend parties then thats his decision. DD may of course think otherwise.

You can do nothing. Let it go.

Yes let it go. It’s not like she’s going to miss loads of parties. Especially if you take her to the ones on your weekends and her friends are accommodating. I doubt there is a birthday party invite every weekend.

If he only sees her every second weekend I dont blame him. He probably wants to spend time with her, not ship her off to parties.
You can't dictate what he does during his time with her.

There's nothing you can do about it.

Sorry you are having to co-parent with an abusive shit-head. It sucks.

Is this something I just need to let go of and hope DD sees it in the future?

Yes. I don't think you want to go down the route of insisting that he does something of your choosing when he has her. If he's abusive, he can turn that around to try and control what you do with her.
I know the parties aren't your choosing and are for her, I just mean in the sense that it's you planning his time with her.

Leave it for now, as she gets older she will see him for what he is and resent that she has missed her friend's parties over the years. He is ruining his relationship with her slowly one day at a time. Once she's a teen he'll be moaning to you that she won't come to his or doesn't want to spend as much time etc etc.

If he only has her for one day a fortnight he probably doesn't want the time booked up with other things.

You can’t do anything, unfortunately, but it’ll come back to bite him.
My friend’s ex was like this with all activities, including team sports. It meant that their son got dropped from a team due to missing too many matches. Now that her children are late teens, they see that he didn’t have their best interests at heart (he also withheld maintenance payments when he felt like it) and guess what, her DD (19) barely sees him now and her DS (15) is also starting to pull away.

It’s upsetting for your DD, but he’s making his bed and will have to deal with the longterm consequences.

This is what happened with ds1's dad (he was also abusive). He always refused to take DS to parties but as time went on, ds started to pull away from him. Ds is now in his 30s and really don't have a good relationship. His dad is now the one missing out.

@lazarusb That’s the amazing thing, this type of selfish parent seems to have no idea that their behavior will affect their future relationship with their child.

My friend’s ex seems astonished that his young adult DD can’t be bothered with him nowadays. Duh, she saw her Mum struggle when you didn’t pay child maintenance and you didn’t make an effort during your time with her. The man has a PhD, but he’s sadly lacking in emotional intelligence!

My DH (who I live with, I love and is an active and engaged father) absolutely refuses to take our kids to birthday parties. So unless I'm prepared to take them, they don't go.

I'd say I take them to about 50% of ones we could attend because I also hate them.

I think you just leave it the fight for the important stuff.

@BruFord Totally agree! While it's 'his' time, what his dad wants to do during that time is also important. He might also get to know her friends and some of their parents too.

@Haveyouseenmyinsertitemhere I don’t think many of us really want to go to them, but it’s definitely a good way to get to know other parents-I made some good friends while standing by a ball pit. 😂

Once they’re older, they can be dropped off, thank goodness, so grit your teeth, it’ll be over soon!

He has only one night of contact for a reason. He's an abuser.

I get it however, this is not a hill I choose to die on. DD will see it herself as she gets older.

I fell into this situation when my ex and I split, I would try anything to ensure my children went. But he never took them or allowed me to. What it did do how ever was allowed him an avenue to continue abusing and manipulating me.
You honestly need to step away and have minimal contact with him, only commenting or concerning yourself with issues that amount to safeguarding concerns, everything else is out of bounds.

Its up to him. He doesn't have to take her in his time. This is one hill not to die on. Tell parents to ask him not you

Just another voice saying- my ExH does this for play dates/ parties/ school events etc. Refuses to take them and instead takes them to do exciting things like shop for new homeware for him 😬

The problem is, if you show kids who you are- they believe you. So none of them want to see him as to them it is a painful day of being ignored.

My eldest is refusing to go altogether and younger siblings need days of prep and persuasion to go. It's painful now for me, but I do think he's shooting himself in the foot and he'll not see them as soon as they have any choice in the matter.

The problem is, if you show kids who you are- they believe you.

So true, @mynamechangemyrules.

My ex did one birthday party it was at the nerf place he "voulenteer" at (basically he was being paid cash in hand so he didn't pay child support 😒) he promised them the world including a birthday party of their own this did not happen strangely the kids have nothing to do with him now the effects of his behaviour was devastating to his relationship with them

They don't want to talk to him.

Then you reply “me neither” laugh, and walk away.

Then they dont go. Its just the way it is. You need ti not get involved with this. You can't make him take her.

Read the OP properly would you. Nowhere in it am I trying to make him take her. I'm asking if anyone else has an ex like mine who doesn't take kids to parties and should I just accept it.

Maybe you didn't spot the bit where it says he's abusive also.

I did read it properly. You have to accept they wont go