DDs dad refuses to take her to parties on his weekend

[FlyingFleetwood]

I'll start by saying he's a proven abuser after 5 years in the family court. He now has every other weekend contact of one night on Saturday to Sunday. DD is 6.

Naturally parties fall on weekends and her closest friends parents are very accommodating and some ask what weekends she's with me so they can plan accordingly.

Other parties, I tell the parent to liaise with him but they don't want to as he's abusive and is very difficult so I end up asking if he'll take her. It is always a no. He feign he has grand plans for DD with family and friends but when she returns she tells me she did nothing.

Is this something I just need to let go of and hope DD sees it in the future? She's so upset on a Monday morning when the kids are talking about parties she wasn't able to go to.

Anyone else have an ex like this?

In reality he would probably love to drop her off for a couple of hours but gets more pleasure out of causing upset to op. Upset the child, upset the good parent, that's a win for an abuser

He's an asshole and she will hate him in a few years.

I had this out with my ex in mediation. The mediation officer said that as he was local he should accommodate the children's events. Luckily he decided to stop seeing the dcs which solved the problem.

But he's an abusive fuck head!

Op takes dd to parties. Why do you hold an abuser to such low standards?

Yeah he sounds like a doting dad doesn’t he. So sweet and loving that other parents refuse to talk to him directly because he’s abusive.

In all honesty, people I've mentioned it to have all said DD will see it herself. He will cause his own rejection of her instead.. of course he'll blame me! He very much clung onto the parental alienation accusation when it was determined he was an abuser.

DD doesn't like staying over, she comes back and tells me she misses me too much and that he says horrible things about me. He forbids her from talking about me and when she does she's reprimanded.

I had this, dc missed the parties. We ended up stopping dance classes as alternate weeks they fell on his weekend.

Ultimately it's his choice of what he does with dc on his time.

But it did mean my dc saw less of their dad as teens as mates took priority. Now my dc are very close to me and see their dad a few times a year

Psssstt.... kids birthday parties aren't for the adults. You take them so they can have fun, not you.

It's shit, hang in there and it will all come out in the wash. Focus on being the best mum you can be when you've got her, change what you can. She's got the dad she's got, you can't change that, that's her story.

This is the hardest bit to be fair, when they're older they can decide if they're going or not, the bit you're in sucks, I hear you. She's got a loving mum who listens and empathises by the sounds of it, she'll work it out in the end. Hang in there.

Just wanted to say my ex is like this. He has even refused to take DS2 to his football match because he claimed he couldn't afford the petrol (a whole other story). I don't even mention parties to him now - think he took him to one and then refused after that. I just have to make sure I take him to as much as I can and that he doesn't miss out when with me. Children remember these things so he's not doing himself any favours. Thankfully as kids get older they will go to less parties too.

My DS and DD are now in their twenties but their Dad was exactly the same. He only had them every other weekend (his choice, he tried once during the week but couldn't be bothered with the homework, packed lunches and other responsibilities).

There were lots of tears over the years when they missed parties and days outs. I let it go, I told him about the invitations and which ones they wanted you to go to but he was adamant he wasn't putting himself out. Fast forward 15/20 years and they love him but also see his overall selfishness and lack of involvement in their parenting and lives. I'm their go to parent. I think he resents this but is completely unaware it's all of his own making.

Don't get suckered into being a go between. Reply to emails cc him saying "thanks for invite but DD is with Dad that weekend so I'll leave him to respond"

Reply to messages by creating a new group chat with the same message

My partner has the same situation with his ex. She is a proven abuser and won’t undertake any extra curricular activities or parties etc with their son. We used to
offer to take him ourselves but things have broken down to such a point where that isn’t possible anymore.

ultimately we have to accept that her time with their son is her time. Hopefully the kids will eventually see how much the other parent cares for them and tries to do things in their best interest.

Just an observation but this has been in family court for 5 years so presumably you separated within about a year of the child being born?

You talk about the other parents not wanting to communicate with Dad but in the circumstances outlined how would they know what he's like aside from what you've told them?

He's not been allowed to come to the school until recently. He's shown himself up a few times at school also by arguing with the schools receptionist. I also have some very strong and close parent friendships so they naturally believe me when I have mentioned how difficult he can be. Its a small school so the parents of my DDs friends know me very well. Some have asked about him also and I've just told as much truth as I feel comfortable too.

The man has a long history of stalking, harassment, domestic abuse, assault and various other things.. its natural to not want to talk to someone like that.

This, one night a fortnight, so if that was me I would want to have as much time as possible with her. Maybe if he had more access he may not be as precious with time. We are 50/50 but both of us have said no to things as we need to fit stuff into a limited time with kids.

Would there be any kind of compromise, for example if there's an hour long party on his weekend he takes her, but that he gets the time back by, say, picking her up an hour earlier than usual for the contact, so he doesn't actually lose an hour?

Even if not feasible for this guy maybe it would work for other families if this situation comes up?

Did you not even read the ops post directly above you? What about this man makes it sound like he’s motivated by being a doting dad, rather than by a combination of selfishness and wanting to hurt the op? Is it the stalking? The harassment? Was it the domestic abuse or was it really the assault that says he just cherishes the time with his daughter? (perhaps it was the school haven’t allowed him on the grounds until recently?)