SAHM. Lacking respect from partner

[FunnyFawn]

I took a career break to be a SAHM to 2 children 1 and 3. Dog and livestock. My husband works weekdays, off weekends and goes to the gym 3-4 mornings mid week. My day starts at 5.30 am (husbands usually already gone to the gym) he gets home at 5 30pm takes a shower eats his tea and plays with the kids until i instigate bed time. Then he wants to spend time together.

I do 100% of childcare including weekends. He enjoys spending time with our children and the weekends are our family fun days however, I deal with all the kids needs at the weekend also, getting dressed teeth brushed breakfast dinners teas drinks nappy changes baths getting ready for bed etc..

I do all household chores cleaning and responsibilities food shops & admin clothes shoes renewals cars etc .. husband helps to take out the trash from time to time washes dishes after tea.

I walk and feed our dog.

I asked him to help me with big chores more as looking after the kids the constant clean up pre school drop off and pick ups walking the dog caring for our other animals giving my time to our children to play and nurture is hard work and deep cleaning and bigger jobs often get missed. We have an allotment that I upkeep aswell. He has started to help out with this more this past week in a morning watering the garden and sorting live stock ( seems to have triggered an outburst that he now thinks he does too much and i take advantage)

His attitude is that I should do it all as he works. He expects me to be grateful Im at home and the least i can do is make sure everything is in order. I cook us all a freshly cooked meal for tea every single evening but because its on the table 30-40 mins after he gets home it's not good enough as it should be on the table on arrival so he can enjoy the kids. He doesn't want to see my folded laundry when he gets in as its supposed to be put away.

His opinion is I'm totally disorganised and do not project manage our home or kids properly. He has a knack for making me feel like a failure. His mum was a sahm and i get the feeling he is trying to bully me into being just like her ( he has a terrible relationship with his mum ) he accuses me of disrespecting him as I don't appreciate his level of expected cleanliness.

He's said he will help with some chores now because he's had a meltdown that the house isn't up to scratch. He huffs and puffs has tantrums storms out the house etc etc. He's agreed to help me deep clean the bathroom once a week but it has to be a set day. He wants me to make set days for everything I do cleaning related and not doing this shows how disorganised and stupid I am. I clean as I go as things get messy... quick.

Am I wrong in thinking we should be a team and this is not an example of team work? I've tried and tried to explain to him that he doesn't help much but he thinks he does more than he should.... am I out of order for expecting support from him with 2 little ones?

I know this is appalling disrespectful behaviour and i don't need validating as such, but is this standard for sahm??

Thanks

Go back to work. Being economically dependent, especially on someone like your husband, is a bad idea.

Is this the way you pictured a marriage to be?

Did you ever discuss with him what your marriage would look like once children came along?

Is he the kind of man who wants no part of the day-to-day drudge and responsibilities of what it takes to run a house and raise children?

Is his life more important than yours?

You might need to seriously consider these questions and think about what your future looks like. Do you want to return to your career? In which case you might want to crack on with that sooner rather than later.

Imagine if you were to swap roles with him for a month. How would he cope with that?

It sounds like he has dehumanised you into a domestic servant while elevating himself into boss-of-everyone (particularly you).

The house being up to scratch is a silly point. It should be habitable. but to be perfect is a tall order with small children living there.

But, and I may be vilified for this, sahp is a job, childcare, housekeeping, shopping, errands, maybe paying bills, gardening, maintenance . It is your job and he should respect it, to do otherwise is outrageous. You should be doing all of it though, unless there are parts of it that he wants/likes to do.

That's absolutely horrific, I'm the same as you minus the livestock. Husband shares everything except during his working hours. I spend the working day completely focused on kids so no other jobs are done, we do then together after.. our leisure time is completely equal aswell, what I get he gets.. right now he's gone with one child to do the food shop, I'm at home with the other one prepping dinner and tidying up..

I totally disagree with previous poster, my job is 100% minding the kids and being engaged with them..
If they were older and at school then definitely I would be doing everything around the house but not at the ages they're at, they need me more..
That's a mute point though as I'll be back at work then..
The way we see it is if we bad someone else minding the kids what would we want them to do and the answer is be completely focused on the kids, no doing housework so that's what I do

Sorry to be harsh. You signed up to be a SAHM. He's your 'boss' because he pays for you. You have to do what he wants. However, just like any other job, you can negotiate for better terms and conditions (and better pay). Or you find another job elsewhere.

Not all SAHM have all their money from their husband. If you are independently wealthy, I'm sure he won't treat you like this. Because you can tell him to f**k off.

Oh I'm not saying he's not a terrible husband. But he holds all the power in the relationship and he's a terrible boss.

The issue with men like your husband is even if you did work also he'd still expect you to be responsible for everything and it'd just be some other excuse not to do a fair share of parenting/domestic duties.

He has a terrible relationship with his mother because he doesn't respect her or you unfortunately:women appear to domestic appliances to him and he doesn't like it when his domestic appliance starts making noises about being on the edge of burning out through overuse.

I'm betting he moved out of his mums house and in with you and that pre kids he still didn't do his fair share of domestic duties either.

I also think the clue is in the title, to me a stay at home parenting is full time parenting either kids that don't go to school or those with additional needs.. I'd feel I was a housewife if my kids were in school as the working day wouldn't be filled with parenting, just looking after the house

Agree you should go back to work. It matters more that your husband has the power here than it does whether he's right. There are some people that it's simply not a good idea to be a SAHP with.

Go back to work and remind him that he'll be doing half of everything from now on. And make sure you always have access to your own money.

Get childcare for the kids and go back to work.
Honestly.
Dont let yourself be dependent on him

I could have written this about my husband OP. Nothing was ever good enough, done to his "standard." Apparently, I was struggling and needed to ask for help (from my mother and not him)
You know what I did: I got a part-time job that took me away from the house/kids/chores on an evening and weekend for a few hours.

Now I can see what he does when I'm not there, and it is sweet f*ck all. But, the moaning has stopped as he realises it's not as easy as it looks.

Best thing I ever did was to go back to work.

I'd go back to work and he's then be responsible for 50% of everything

I grew up with parents who had a similar relationship to yours. It's a miserable existence for the whole family. In your shoes I'd be getting a job asap. You can then either split chores evenly when you are not at work, or more likely split up when he still expects you to do everything.

1. Go back to work
2. Divorce - all this says something fundamental about his character and respect for women in general and you in particular, regardless of whether you go back to work or not.

Go back to work. One person being a SAHP only works if the other partner fully respects and values their contribution. Your partner is being a dickhead and he's unlikely to change as this reflects his core values

DH is out of order - whilst much of the home stuff falls to you, as a SAHP, you have 2 young children to look after and they are your priority. (FWIW, I was a SAHP and had a cleaner when my children were that age!)
If he wants a petty level of cleanliness then he needs to pay for someone to do it or do it himself. His demands about certain things done on certain days (and food at a set time) are unreasonable with young children. Plus the animals!
Going to the gym so often is something of a luxury for him - plenty of things he could presumably be doing at home (that are good exercise!) instead. Or go for a run with children in a buggy, so he exercises and you have some non child time. Do you get that sort of time off to yourself?!

I would get a job asap

So he works 9-5 and you work 24-7 and he thinks thats ok. He doesnt seem to have any respect for you and what you do.

Go back to work and then divorce him. He will not change.

Oh dear OP, I feel for you 😞

I would love so much to be a stay at home mum to little kids, with animals and an allotment. It sounds so idyllic.

But then your post reminded exactly why I'm not- and it's the men who are the problem as usual.

Your post sounds sooo much like my experience I can't believe it. My ex sounds exactly like your husband. He wasn't impressed with my ability to manage the house. Went ballistic when I hired cleaners, and didn't value at all how much care and attention I was pouring into his children. He would have been so much happier if they were completely neglected but the house and garden were pristine.
He also had a terrible relationship with his mother- and his mother also thought I was a complete failure as a housewife.

It's such a shame!!! As the kids could have had an absolutely wonderful life- if he wasn't so awful. Even if he just butted out, left me to it and didn't criticise.

So we got divorced and now I see the kids 50% of the time- which I'll never be ok with.

So when you were saying you do 100% of childcare even at weekends I'd cherish that no matter what.

From my long experience 'managing' or trying to manage men. Yes he sounds awful, but don't give up just yet. Try printing out a bullet point list - or really clear schedule he can see.

Don't feel you need to put too much on your list- just the bare minimum- and really spell out and break down the childcare tasks you do. But he'll see at a glance what he's got to do each day. He will feel comforted there is a plan. And see if that helps you both somehow.

Good luck with it all!

Go back to work

Only go back to work if you want to OP. You are supposed to be a team and not all contributions need to be financial.

Make a "job description" of everything you do, including the time it takes and what it would cost to outsource it if you did go back to work. You'll probably both be surprised by how many hours you are doing and how much money you are saving your family by doing them.

If your husband is still unsupportive, ask him how he plans to juggle 50:50 childcare and all the other stuff plus full time work when you divorce him.

Thanks everyone ❤️