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Original poster

SAHM. Lacking respect from partner

51 replies

FunnyFawn · 25/06/2024 16:17

I took a career break to be a SAHM to 2 children 1 and 3. Dog and livestock. My husband works weekdays, off weekends and goes to the gym 3-4 mornings mid week. My day starts at 5.30 am (husbands usually already gone to the gym) he gets home at 5 30pm takes a shower eats his tea and plays with the kids until i instigate bed time. Then he wants to spend time together.

I do 100% of childcare including weekends. He enjoys spending time with our children and the weekends are our family fun days however, I deal with all the kids needs at the weekend also, getting dressed teeth brushed breakfast dinners teas drinks nappy changes baths getting ready for bed etc..

I do all household chores cleaning and responsibilities food shops & admin clothes shoes renewals cars etc .. husband helps to take out the trash from time to time washes dishes after tea.

I walk and feed our dog.

I asked him to help me with big chores more as looking after the kids the constant clean up pre school drop off and pick ups walking the dog caring for our other animals giving my time to our children to play and nurture is hard work and deep cleaning and bigger jobs often get missed. We have an allotment that I upkeep aswell. He has started to help out with this more this past week in a morning watering the garden and sorting live stock ( seems to have triggered an outburst that he now thinks he does too much and i take advantage)

His attitude is that I should do it all as he works. He expects me to be grateful Im at home and the least i can do is make sure everything is in order. I cook us all a freshly cooked meal for tea every single evening but because its on the table 30-40 mins after he gets home it's not good enough as it should be on the table on arrival so he can enjoy the kids. He doesn't want to see my folded laundry when he gets in as its supposed to be put away.

His opinion is I'm totally disorganised and do not project manage our home or kids properly. He has a knack for making me feel like a failure. His mum was a sahm and i get the feeling he is trying to bully me into being just like her ( he has a terrible relationship with his mum ) he accuses me of disrespecting him as I don't appreciate his level of expected cleanliness.

He's said he will help with some chores now because he's had a meltdown that the house isn't up to scratch. He huffs and puffs has tantrums storms out the house etc etc. He's agreed to help me deep clean the bathroom once a week but it has to be a set day. He wants me to make set days for everything I do cleaning related and not doing this shows how disorganised and stupid I am. I clean as I go as things get messy... quick.

Am I wrong in thinking we should be a team and this is not an example of team work? I've tried and tried to explain to him that he doesn't help much but he thinks he does more than he should.... am I out of order for expecting support from him with 2 little ones?

I know this is appalling disrespectful behaviour and i don't need validating as such, but is this standard for sahm??

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnyFawn · 25/06/2024 17:29

Blending123 · 25/06/2024 17:17

Oh dear OP, I feel for you 😞

I would love so much to be a stay at home mum to little kids, with animals and an allotment. It sounds so idyllic.

But then your post reminded exactly why I'm not- and it's the men who are the problem as usual.

Your post sounds sooo much like my experience I can't believe it. My ex sounds exactly like your husband. He wasn't impressed with my ability to manage the house. Went ballistic when I hired cleaners, and didn't value at all how much care and attention I was pouring into his children. He would have been so much happier if they were completely neglected but the house and garden were pristine.
He also had a terrible relationship with his mother- and his mother also thought I was a complete failure as a housewife.

It's such a shame!!! As the kids could have had an absolutely wonderful life- if he wasn't so awful. Even if he just butted out, left me to it and didn't criticise.

So we got divorced and now I see the kids 50% of the time- which I'll never be ok with.

So when you were saying you do 100% of childcare even at weekends I'd cherish that no matter what.

From my long experience 'managing' or trying to manage men. Yes he sounds awful, but don't give up just yet. Try printing out a bullet point list - or really clear schedule he can see.

Don't feel you need to put too much on your list- just the bare minimum- and really spell out and break down the childcare tasks you do. But he'll see at a glance what he's got to do each day. He will feel comforted there is a plan. And see if that helps you both somehow.

Good luck with it all!

I can't thank you enough for this 💗

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnyFawn · 25/06/2024 17:30

TwigTheWonderKid · 25/06/2024 17:26

Only go back to work if you want to OP. You are supposed to be a team and not all contributions need to be financial.

Make a "job description" of everything you do, including the time it takes and what it would cost to outsource it if you did go back to work. You'll probably both be surprised by how many hours you are doing and how much money you are saving your family by doing them.

If your husband is still unsupportive, ask him how he plans to juggle 50:50 childcare and all the other stuff plus full time work when you divorce him.

Thank you for this 💗

OP posts:
Sicario · 25/06/2024 17:38

My view is that writing a list of what you do is pointless. He isn't interested.

What's more effective is to leave him to it, with the kids, for a few days. Or go on strike completely.

Actions speak louder than words and he clearly doesn't want to hear anything you have to say on the matter.

Tilandsia · 25/06/2024 17:46

If you’re on FB, follow a page called Bridging the Gap Community - it’s specifically aimed at helping women name and address these sorts of gaps or inequalities. It really opens your eyes to the systemic issue of men taking advantage of women’s free labour. I’ll warn you now though, success stories are vanishingly rare.

Ohnobackagain · 25/06/2024 17:54

@FunnyFawn this was probably what he saw at home as a child. If you don’t want your kids to turn out like him I think you may need to end this relationship. Being a parent at home may mean one person does the bulk of household stuff during the week but shouldn’t be as you describe. Back in the 70s when my Dad was working 6 days he still did Saturday tea for us all and used to do a fair share: He would never have treated my Mum that way, they were partners. Your partner sounds horrific with these ‘set days’ and everything. Set days is fine if it is what you want, not up to him though?

StrawberryWater · 25/06/2024 18:19

Go back to work.

It’s the only way he’ll pay attention. 50/50 from then on out.

TwigTheWonderKid · 25/06/2024 18:25

@Sicario that's possible but not inevitable. He probably has no real idea of what the OP does, or how much it would cost to outsource all the stuff he doesn't want to do. And I bet if he stepped in for a week he'd find it a doddle and the OP would have totally shot herself in the foot.

haveatye · 25/06/2024 18:31

How much leisure do you each have in an average week? Work it out, then get him to explain why it's fair.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 25/06/2024 18:46

Get a job asap.
He sounds like a sexist twat expecting you to serve him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/06/2024 19:46

The only chores you have time for with a one year old is cleaning up the food they have thrown on the floor and washing their bottles and clothes while they nap. Then they wake up before you've even sat down. I know as I have one!

To throw a three year old that doesn't nap into the mix is impossible.

Please show him this message OR have him book a weeks annual leave and do what he expects you to do while you go out each day from 5-5 expecting a hot nutritious dinner. I'm angry on your behalf this would annoy me more than my single mum status!

I strongly suggest you book yourself a long weekend away and leave him to it. If he complains do a whole week next time.

If you can't do this as he controls the finances then sorry but you have got to divorce him or go back to work.

rookiemere · 25/06/2024 20:06

I think you have had some good advice on the emotional side of this, on a practical note I wonder if there is anything you can do to reduce the overall workload.
So an allotment is a lovely idea in theory, but sounds like one you don't have time for right now. What is the menagerie of animals and whilst of course a dog is for life, if it's say chickens could you find them a new home ?

Newhere5 · 25/06/2024 20:11

coldcallerbaiter · 25/06/2024 16:34

The house being up to scratch is a silly point. It should be habitable. but to be perfect is a tall order with small children living there.

But, and I may be vilified for this, sahp is a job, childcare, housekeeping, shopping, errands, maybe paying bills, gardening, maintenance . It is your job and he should respect it, to do otherwise is outrageous. You should be doing all of it though, unless there are parts of it that he wants/likes to do.

Sorry but this is nonsense.
She looks after kids/house whilst he works.
Afterwards they share responsibilities/housework etc.
You know - like partners would do.
She is a SAHM, not a slave

WhichEllie · 25/06/2024 20:36

As a horsewoman myself, I have to admit that the vagueness made my ears prick up. Be honest: is the “livestock” your horses?

If so, it’s unreasonable for you to expect him to care for them if he’s not interested. I’ve always been careful not to expect non-equestrian partners to muck in too much with my lifestyle choice because I’ve seen the resentment it can cause in relationships. I have seen a lot of divorces amongst friends and acquaintances over the years that largely came down to the horses.

It does sound like the garden/animals may need to be downsized while the children are small. If it’s not horses, it is easy enough to sell off or rehome chickens/goats/whatever. If it is horses, it may be time to consider leasing/loaning them out for a year or two while the children are young and full-on.

blueshoes · 25/06/2024 20:54

Yes, what is "livestock". Also, is the allotment necessary?

If it is too much for both of you to handle, then it is worth looking into streamlining your chores whilst the dcs are young/pre-school and require a lot of your time and input.

However, your dh is treating you like a domestic appliance and there is no excuse for it. He does not sound like he is respectful of women or value your contribution if he does not have a good relationship with his mother and now with you.

Assuming you want to stay with him, I would prioritise his paying for a cleaner or your going back to work.

Whose decision was it for you to take a career break? I assume it is joint but if he only went along, he might be guilting you into going back to work. If he was the driver for your SAHM and now is treating you like an employee, then by all means go back to work.

Original poster
FunnyFawn · 25/06/2024 21:33

rookiemere · 25/06/2024 20:06

I think you have had some good advice on the emotional side of this, on a practical note I wonder if there is anything you can do to reduce the overall workload.
So an allotment is a lovely idea in theory, but sounds like one you don't have time for right now. What is the menagerie of animals and whilst of course a dog is for life, if it's say chickens could you find them a new home ?

Its on our garden, and i totally agree. Thanks a lot 🩷

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnyFawn · 25/06/2024 21:35

blueshoes · 25/06/2024 20:54

Yes, what is "livestock". Also, is the allotment necessary?

If it is too much for both of you to handle, then it is worth looking into streamlining your chores whilst the dcs are young/pre-school and require a lot of your time and input.

However, your dh is treating you like a domestic appliance and there is no excuse for it. He does not sound like he is respectful of women or value your contribution if he does not have a good relationship with his mother and now with you.

Assuming you want to stay with him, I would prioritise his paying for a cleaner or your going back to work.

Whose decision was it for you to take a career break? I assume it is joint but if he only went along, he might be guilting you into going back to work. If he was the driver for your SAHM and now is treating you like an employee, then by all means go back to work.

Chickens. Thanks for this its very much appreciated 💗

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 27/06/2024 06:11

SummerBarbecues · 25/06/2024 16:39

Sorry to be harsh. You signed up to be a SAHM. He's your 'boss' because he pays for you. You have to do what he wants. However, just like any other job, you can negotiate for better terms and conditions (and better pay). Or you find another job elsewhere.

Not all SAHM have all their money from their husband. If you are independently wealthy, I'm sure he won't treat you like this. Because you can tell him to f**k off.

What a vile post!

BananaLambo · 27/06/2024 06:35

He’s not going to change so you need to work out what you’re going to do about it. Here are your options:

  1. Leave him
  2. Get a job
  3. 1 and 2
  4. simplify your life so you have more time to do the essentials - do you need allotments/horses/chickens/whatever?
  5. Sit him down and tell him you’re exhausted and that you need more help. I do agree that being a SAHP is a full time job and you should be picking up the bulk of the workload, but he also does sound like a prick.
Darhon · 27/06/2024 06:41

AlliumLake · 25/06/2024 16:24

Go back to work. Being economically dependent, especially on someone like your husband, is a bad idea.

This. Do not get into this situation. When he has to cook half the week as well, and do some child drops and pick ups, he’ll realise how nice it is to come home and have your tea ready. Also, if you’re preparing tea, what’s to stop him spend g 30mins with the children?

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 27/06/2024 06:57

He is abusing you and treating you as a slave.

You need to really, really fight your corner here. Or leave. Or go back to work.

I’m sorry he’s such a horrible, horrible twat.

Doughnut100 · 08/12/2024 12:46

Genuine question for those who are suggesting the OP gets a job. Even if her husband magically turns into the most wonderful man in the world and splits everything 50/50, how does it work with having a job AND having to do everything in the house plus spend time with the children only in the evenings and weekends? I am a SAHM and it takes me every minute I have to keep the house ok, laundry, food, housekeeping, family admin, constantly guilty about not playing enough with the kids - and I have a cleaner! I am actually mystified about how people manage to make this work. Really interested to hear.

Babbahabba · 08/12/2024 12:51

When he's at work, yes your role is to look after the kids & house etc. But you should both have access to equal gym/hobby/social time and when you're both at home, chores/childcare should be split 50/50. You're not a skivvy or a slave, you're his bloody equal- his partner- his team mate.

Babbahabba · 08/12/2024 12:54

@Doughnut100 what do you think working lone parents do or families where both parents work? If you're on your own, you do it at all when you're not at work, and if you both work, you split it down the bloody middle. I've always worked full time (more or less) but I think the OP is being treated appallingly. She's his equal! And her being a SAHP helps them both.

EvelynBeatrice · 08/12/2024 12:55

He sounds like your boss, not your partner.

Doughnut100 · 08/12/2024 13:08

Babbahabba · 08/12/2024 12:54

@Doughnut100 what do you think working lone parents do or families where both parents work? If you're on your own, you do it at all when you're not at work, and if you both work, you split it down the bloody middle. I've always worked full time (more or less) but I think the OP is being treated appallingly. She's his equal! And her being a SAHP helps them both.

I'm not disagreeing with you at all! I agree! And I intend to go back to work myself. I'm just interested in how people make it work and if they feel that it's overall better.